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Big Stupid Tommy: Jamming French Fries Into Your Mind since 2002



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"Those who shun the whimsy of things will experience rigor mortis before death."
--Tom Robbins



The Reads

Real People that I've Met

Baboon Pirates
Bad Bad Juju
Back Home Again
Bill's Rant Sheet
Blog d'Elisson
Boudicca's Voice
The Briar Patch
Dax Montana
Down in Lucky Town
Drunken Wisdom
Erica's Blog
Grouchy Old Cripple
John Cox
Look, a Baby Wolf! Oddybobo
One For the Road
Parkway Rest Stop
Redneck Ramblings
Southern Martyr
Straight White Guy
Technicalities

People I can only assume are real


15 Minute Lunch
10,000 Monkeys and a Camera
Angry Pharmacist
Bigfoot Diaries
Boing Boing
Busy Mom
Cake in the Rain
Cherie Priest
Covered in Beez
Cowboy Blob
Craven's World
The FFOT
Good Ol' J.R.
Groanin' Jock
Hacking Netflix
Holder of
Useless Knowledge
Inn of the Last Home
It's All Relative
KeesKennis
Kung Fu Monkey
A Large Regular
Mental Multivitamin
Misc, Etc.
Missives Anonymous
Naked Villainy
Newscoma
No Silence Here
Obscurorant
Orbitcast
Perfectly Cromulent
The Real Cherilyn
Russ McBee
Sergio Leone & the Infield Fly Rule
Sheila Variations
Smoking Toaster
Snotty Dog
Stephen Silver
Strange Maps
Stupid Sports Blog
Tits List
Warren Ellis
Watching and Listening
Write Lightning


Defunct Blogamaroll Acme of Foolishness
Dark Bilious Vapors
Tainted Bill
Uncouth Sloth


Writers I Read

Harlan Ellison
Carl Hiaasen
Stephen King
Joe R. Lansdale
Christopher Moore
Cherie Priest

Archives
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Why My Army of Giraffes Failed

Hindsight being what it is, it should have been an easy decision to make. The money, manpower, effort and irreplaceable time put into this project could well have been spent toward something more worthwhile. But, I am young, yet. A spry 32. There is time, and there is time. Every lesson I've ever learned, I've learned by making a mistake (i.e. wear underwear to all job interviews and check the zipper twice).

Here now, are a few thoughts on why the effort was utter folly:

• There is little capacity for abstract thought within the above-average giraffe, let alone the average giraffe. I will not mention the below average giraffes, as they are quite haughty about such things.
• Giraffes are tremendously proud, even haughty beasts, considering their inability to think in any form other than what God gave them in the form of instinct. They will not do as told.
  
• Even after all these years, I am not sure they understand what I'm saying to them. I admit that I may have mistaken indifference for wise stoicism.
• The social structure, bred into them by God his own self, is prohibitive when it comes to creating a large scale army. Generally speaking, the giraffe will stick to a herd not much larger than 10 or 12. Our efforts at organiziation into companies and platoons was semi-successful at best.
  
• The females were the more easily organized of the two sexes.
• We severely underestimated gestation time for a pregnant giraffe. While our plans for reinforcement were always along the lines of "buy more giraffes," it would have been helpful if our armies were at least 50% self-sustaining. A giraffe will carry a calf for nearly 16 months. Not only is this prohibitive in terms of having part of your army on the shelf for gestation...these beasts are horribly ill-tempered when pregnant.
• Giraffe spit is truly disgusting. Viscous, would be a good word. We learned this the hard way, in our dealings with pregnant giraffes.
  
• Giraffe spit is truly disgusting, but an ineffective weapon. In three different large scale tests, it tends simply to antagonize those it is directed toward. It is a shame we are no longer allowed in Virginia.
  
• Giraffes are particularly ineffective fighting ninjas, pirates and highlanders.
• Giraffes, generally, cannot navigate power lines effectively.
• Giraffes eat a ridiculous amount. It is important to note that the closure of deepdiscountoatmeal.com has been very much a key factor in our decision to end Project: Death Giraffe. That said, the cost of brown sugar alone should have been a mitigating factor.
  
• Giraffes drink a ridiculous amount. Efforts of stealth become difficult when having to house an army of herbivores near a large, clean body of water. The number of local residents we've had to dispatch, and the sheer number of personal watercraft and pontoon boats confiscated off the Hiwassee River have simply become too difficult to explain in a satisfactory matter.
• Generally speaking, people are surprised, but unsatisfied with receiving personal watercraft and pontoon boats as Christmas presents, especially those living in urban environments.
• Giraffes will not drink beer or soda. Initially this was seen as an advantage, but as the aforementioned stealth factored into the equation, it became necessary to find alternate means of hydration.
  
• Giraffes will drink Gatorade in moderation. Giraffes especially enjoyed the Fierce Flavors (not grape). The relative inability to find Fierce Melon Gatorade became an issue of morale and personal safety in late 2007.
• Giraffes are terribly stubborn, for a beast born without the capacity for thought.
• Giraffes are ineffective for long term use as a battering ram.
• Giraffe urine is horrible, but again, tended simply to antagonize enemies, rather than incapacitating them. Plus, the cost of rain coats for human staff was difficult to accept.
• Giraffe uniforms, even with capes, are unwieldy.
• Giraffes do not like wearing clothes.
• Giraffes do not like wearing capes.
• Giraffes do not like wearing socks.
• Giraffes do not like wearing boots.
• Giraffes do not like wearing tennis shoes.
• Giraffes were not averse to wearing shoes with open toes and lifts. I believe there is merit to the stiletto heel idea, but in practice, there were entirely too many broken giraffe ankles to justify the cost of buying an entire Filipino plant to clothe.
• Warehousing costs for thousands of pallets of giraffe high-heels will continue to be a concern for years to to come.
• Giraffes cannot read directions.
• Giraffes do not require much sleep, which was at first seen as an advantage. But unless there are commanders there to direct the efforts of a giraffe army, the amount of infomercial-hawked merchandise delivered to headquarters becomes very much a liability.
• Giraffes are easily swayed by sales pitches. We have still not ascertained exactly what giraffes will do with Ron Popeil's chicken rotissiere, or with several thousand copies of Girls Gone Wild.
• Warehousing of Girls Gone Wild DVD's will continue to be a concern for years to come.
• Giraffes, in the words colloquial, cannot carry a tune in a bucket. I consider the Giraffe Army Chorus and Marching Band to be the most glaring and abject failure of my life.
• The warehousing of various woodwind and brass instruments modified to fit the necks of the giraffes will be a concern for years to come.
• Giraffes cannot handle firearms, in any shape form or fashion. To say their dislike of the noise is understatement of the most extreme kind. I am afraid the result of our demonstration of mortar capabilities will be the talk of legend, in this area of the world, for years to come.
• Operation Earplug/Machine gun turret was unsuccessful.
  
• Giraffes did not hold well to our attempts to modify their hide & fur into a traditional camouflage pattern.
• Camouflage Tarpaulins were marginally successful, but we found that the bungee cords holding them in place would often get on tree limb, sign posts, hooks of bungee cords on other giraffes.

posted by Tommy at 21:39

 
You Full Moon People Suck....

Working retail, without even looking up at the sky, I can judge when we're close to a full moon. If only for all the gobshites that get restless, and feel like they need to wander out into the cold December night to hit the store for asparagus, panty hose and Little Debble Strawberry Shortcake rolls some two minutes before we're supposed to close.
posted by Tommy at 00:52

 
I Love This Commercial...

They may screw a lot of things up, but ESPN still gets the commercials right. Ever since they started running this one early in the season, I'd stop what I was doing to watch. It's just beautiful...



Never, though, will it surpass the greatness of this one....


posted by Tommy at 20:42

 
No Luck in Swordfishing

This post serves no purpose, except for the possible exorcism of a song from my head, where it's been bouncing flubberously for three days.



May it travel with you, and travel well. I blame society.
posted by Tommy at 21:37

 
Thanks....

A brief (and entirely incomplete) list of things I'm thankful for, this November 26, 2009, as I watch the Macy's Parade....:

• Coffee. Have you had this stuff? It's awesome.
• Gravy. Entirely underrated.
• Chicken. The world's most perfect animal to eat.
• Coke Zero. When they find that whatever's in it is causing brain cancer in lab rats, I'll still be drinking it. Coke Zero is the Tab of this generation. I'll be the one guy buying the junk in 2032.
• The Sweetwater Brewing Company. 420 is moving quickly to the top of my favorite beers. I'm not saying it's going to supplant the fine products of Rogue or Dogfish Head....but it's a whole hell of a lot more affordable.
• The fine folks at Rogue Breweries and Dogfish Head.
• I'm thankful for having beer snob friends, too.
• I'm thankful that there are not large, feral, ferocious apes running around North America.
• Yet.
• I'm thankful that said large, feral, ferocious apes have not acquired a taste for human liver.
• Yet.
• I am thankful that I am not Matt Lauer or Meredith Vieira. Because this morning, I do not have to sit with Al Roker this morning in Manhattan, watching giant balloons get walked down the street. Because Al Roker seems to really be into this shit.
• I'm thankful that I don't have to work with Al Roker in general. He seems kinda creepy since he lost all the weight, to be honest. Grasping at any thread of happiness. Some folks are meant to be heavy (said the guy who started his list with 17 foods he's thankful for).
• I'm thankful for having friends who tolerate my bullshit.
• I'm thankful even more for having friends who like me because of my bullshit.
• I'm thankful for my folks. They're good people. And they've put up with each other for, like, 32 years. They can't be all bad.
• I'm thankful for my sister and brother-in-law, who are some of my best friends in the world.
• I am thankful that I will never lose my sense of excitement if I see one of the following vehicles out in public: The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile, The General Lee, A De Lorean like the one Doc Brown used to disrupt the space time continuum, or the A-Team Van.
• I am thankful for that thing where a girl puts her pony tail through the back of a baseball cap. I dig that a lot.
• Scrubs, as well. I like a girl in scrubs. Which strikes some as odd. But, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chamber of the human heart. I'm thankful for both girls in scrubs, and that saying.
  
• I'm thankful for O Brother Where Art Thou?, though the nearly ten years since it came out is bothersome.
  
• I am thankful that I cannot understand why Carly Simon is singing that song from Working Girl while Care Bears ice skate. Surely, to know what that shit's all about is madness.
• I am thankful that I live in America, where I am allowed to spread my opinions without thought of being quashed by the hegemony.
  
• Yet.
• I am thankful for the following comedians: Jimmy Norton, Patton Oswalt, Patrice Oneal, Louis C.K., Mike Birbiglia, David Cross, Tim Wilson, Ron White, Doug Stanhope, and the late George Carlin....
• I am thankful for the following writers: Cherie Priest, Joe R. Lansdale, Joe Hill, Neil Gaiman, Dennis Lehane, Carl Hiassen and Stephen King
• I'm thankful for all the folks who keep coming back this way, and I honestly appreciate you all. (Even Gunny).
• I'm thankful for hamburgers. Forgot that one. Burgers rock. Especially burgers with thick pepper bacon and bleu cheese distributed liberally within. Those are good.
• My friend Robbie's pumpkin roll. And while it's probably a million billion calories in one treat that pretty much disappeared in three days, it's what God eats up in heaven.
• I'm thankful for working with people who make me laugh, when the job gets a little stressful.
• I'm thankful that I'm not walking up and down the streets looking for work. I'd like a little more free time, but am thankful for what I have.
• I am thankful that I do not fight in the UFC for a living. Because all my beliefs to the contrary, I am most likely not a badass. I would hate to have the word see me cry after Brock Lesnar beat me into bloody pudding.
  
• Having a writing project again. I'm pleased with where it's going so far. I'm thankful for not having to look at a blank page, and walk away frustrated with not erasing enough of it.....
• Regular bowels. I cannot stress how thankful I am for those enough. Twice a day (morning, and then after the drive home). It's the little things in life....
• Comfortable Shoes. God bless those folks at Wolverine boots and New Balance shoes, equally.
• Damn, Al Roker is creepy. Sooooo thankful I do not work with him.
• Batman. I'm thankful for Batman.
• Thankful that I do not have to lip-synch anything I do.

That's all I got right now. Running out to go see the folks. Y'all take it easy, and have a great Thanksgiving....
posted by Tommy at 11:17

 
Top 50 of the decade...

Played this game recently with a few people. After seeing it over at Sheila's blog, I figured I'd put mine on paper. Or computer screen, as it were.

Simply, these are my favorite movies from the year 2000 until the current day. This is a list that came largely off the top of my head, with some help from the Internet Movie Database to differentiate this decade from the last...surprising the number of movies I dig that came out in the year 1999...

There are a few things of note....I didn't put up A Serious Man, which I saw late last week. I'm still mulling that one. It's definitely high enough caliber to end up on this list, but I'm putting it into the same category (for now) as flicks like Hotel Rwanda or There Will Be Blood: I recognize that these are great flicks, each an achievement in the medium. But, I'm never going to sit down to watch those movies on my own, again. That can change (as an example, a strong performance, such as Daniel Day Lewis in There Will be Blood could bring that flick back into the fold of flicks I'll watch again and again.

Also: I'm way friggin' behind on my flicks. There are dozens of notable flicks from this year and last that I still haven't caught, owing to a work schedule that eats a lot of that thing men call spare time. Even more, there are a couple (The Road, The Fantastic Mr. Fox and the Robert Downey Sherlock Holmes flick) that I want to see.

There are countless others that nearly made the list, but will fall forever to the land of conversation....

Anyway. There may be later discussion, but, in alphabetical order, my Top 50 of 2000-2009:

40-Year Old Virgin (2005)
Amelie (2001)
Batman Begins (2005)
The Bourne Identity (2002)
The Bourne Supremacy (2004)
Coraline (2009)
Cloverfield (2008)
Dark Knight (2008)
The Departed (2006)
Dodgeball (2004)
Elf (2003)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
The Foot Fist Way (2006)
Gangs of New York (2002)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
The Incredibles (2004)
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Iron Man (2008)
Kill Bill, volume 1 (2003)
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Lost in Translation (2003)
Mean Girls (2004)
Memento (2000)
Miracle (2004)
The Mist (2007)
Mystic River (2003)
No Country for Old Men (2007)
O Brother Where Art Thou? (2000)
Ocean’s Eleven (2001)
Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
Rachel Getting Married (2008)
The Ring (2002)
Rocky Balboa (2006)
The Rookie (2002)
The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Sin City (2005)
Snatch (2000)
Spirited Away (2001)
Stardust (2007)
Stranger than Fiction (2006)
Super Troopers (2001)
Unbreakable (2000)
Walk the Line (2005)
Watchmen (2009)
Welcome to Collinwood (2002)
Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
The Wrestler (2008)
Zach and Miri Make a Porno (2008)
Zombieland (2009)


(Ones that Almost Made the Cut: The Prestige, Apocalypto, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, The Bourne Ultimatum, Ghost Town, Invention of Lying, The Others, Birthday Girl, Little Miss Sunshine, 28 Days Later, Club Dread, Best in Show, A Mighty Wind, the Station Agent, Gone Baby Gone, The Specials, Paranormal Activity and The Simpsons Movie)....
posted by Tommy at 22:07

 
Smarter Than the Devil or, Something You Don't And Shouldn't Care About

Some days, all it takes to tick the needle over into the "It's a Good Day" category, is to be the only person in my NFL pick'em league to pick a winner in a particular game.

In this case, it was Kansas City, which won over Pittsburgh in overtime earlier this afternoon.

That's right.

Hey. It's Thanksgiving week. It's gonna be a helluva week for this grocery guy. Sometimes, you gotta take the victories where you can....
posted by Tommy at 17:24

 
2012

Went and saw me some disaster porn today.

And Disaster Porn, 2012 is nothing but.

Maybe it's a flaw in my character (though I know I'm not alone), but the only thing you need to do to get me to see your movie is include two shots in the movie's trailer:

1.) A major landmark (be it manmade or natural) being destroyed

2.) People running the hell from it.

Seriously. If The Bridges of Madison County had featured a bridge getting demolished by a meteor, I'd have paid to see the movie. Twice.

There may be another post in me, after I've digested my thoughts mainly concerning Roland Emmerich. It should suffice to say right now that my thoughts on Emmerich took an odd turn during this movie, and I left the movie today thinking that should Roland Emmerich and I ever have occasion to hang out, I tend to think that he and I would likely have very similar sensibilities, as it concerns people in general, and very likely, similar senses of humor. I'm going to have to hammer that particular line of thought out, but there are a couple key points in the flick that made me (and no one else in the theater, that I could tell) laugh out loud.

Mainly, there's the whole bit where the final bit of dialogue, paraphrased, is along the lines of: "By the way, I'm no longer peeing in my bed..."

Should I have thrown a Spoiler Alert up there?

As an aside and bit of non-sequitur: if there were ever a movie that would have me sitting at the back of a theater, laughing my ass off Max Cady style, it would be this one.

But anyway. I dug the movie. It is everything that you would think it would be. Vapid, barely-two-dimensional characters surviving horrible disasters in manners illogical in both terms of character's logic and feasibility in general. In short, everything that you've probably ever come to love and/or hate from Roland Emmerich's flicks....
posted by Tommy at 22:01

 
VII

Just wanted to note, early this morning, that today marks the Seventh birthday of this little blogamathing. Cool, right?

Today is like many days, here lately. It's a busy sonuvagun. Heading out there door by 6:10, and with plans after work, probably won't wander back this way until 11 or so tonight.

Did want to take a moment to say thanks for reading, those of you who've been here for a while, and those who've recently picked up the habit. I appreciate you all.

Except for Gunny. Gunny is merely tolerated.
posted by Tommy at 05:58

 
Salute....

I want to quote a couple plethora of lines from Monday, November 9's front page of the Daily Post Athenian, which I would link to, but they're moving to (if they aren't already there) subscriber-only.

I would however like to take a minute to quote from Jeremy Belk's front page story from that November 9, 2009, edition of the Daily Post Athenian, entitled: Napping in Ditch Sends Man to Jail.

A man who fell asleep in a ditch with suspected moonshine, marijuana, a machete and a loaded rifle ending [sic] up sleeping it off in the McMinn County Justice Center.

Ricky Butler, 31....was charged Sunday by the Sheriff's Department with public intoxication, posession of schedule VI drugs and unlawful possession of a weapon after he was found lying asleep on his back in a ditch with a rifle on his chest and a jar of "white lightning" in the bib of his overalls.

Deputies Clay Moore and Charles Berrong responded to County Road 100 near the Meigs County line on a report of a man lying in a ditch with a "shotgun." The shotgun turned out to be a loaded .22 rifle, the deputies later discovered. Butler also had a black machete at his side.

According to Moore's report, when the deputies arrived they found Butlerlying partially near a driveway but off the roadway. He was on his back with the barrel sticking up in the air.

.....

According to the reports, the deputies told Butler...10 times to put his hands up....

Wen asked by Moore, Butler said he did not know where he was. ....Butler's speech was slow and slurred and he allegedly smelled of alcohol. When Butler asked how much he'd had to drink that night....he nodded his head and looked into the bib of his overalls.

When officers patted Butler down, they discovered a Mason jar of a clear liquid. The jar was only a quarter-full when seized. When asked if the liquid was moonshine, Butler allegedly replied that it was.

The report goes on to note that while Butler appeared very intoxicated, he registered .08 when administered a blood-alcohol test.

Was I the only one disappointed by that number? Jeez. Seems to me that the icing on the cake could have been the County Physician saying "This man should have been dead, by all accounts..."

But, anyway. Stay far from the moonshine, kids. I mean, I get the machete. Who DOESN'T take a machete out with them when they're drinking? But the firearms? A bit much, I think.

I wonder about where, precisely, Butler was going with his full gear in tow. That'd have been a fine sight to see, driving down Highway 30 on Saturday, the man with a rifle, a machete and a mason jar full of courage hiking toward town (the story doesn't make it clear. I wonder if he was headed toward Athens or Decatur...the county line is closer to Decatur....)
posted by Tommy at 15:44

 
Highlighting Yet Another Difference Between Big Stupid Tommy and President Barack Obama

Today, because I am a man, and the world is my toilet, I took a piss out in the yard. Seemed the most convenient and least time-consuming way to go about things. And trust me, with all the scent-washing rain we've had the past day or so (thanks, Ida), I needed these trees to know just whom they belonged to.

President Obama, on the other hand, could not pee out in the yard without (literally, most likely) a federal case being made out of it.

If you're keeping score, it's:

Tommy 3
Obama 1
posted by Tommy at 15:40

 
Milestones....

Two milestones, actually.

It pleases me very much, here on the eve of the eve of the eve of this blogamathing's seventh anniversary, that Big Stupid Tommy currently sits at #6 on Google, if you were to search out Channel 9's weatherlady Allison Chinchar.

Spent the morning writing. I've got a small writing project going. It's a little goofy, and I'm pleased that I've been able to corral the goofy energy now for 33,000 words. More quickly than I'd imagined, it's reaching an endpoint. That's actually a good thing. I've got more than a handful of projects that wander to absurd wordcounts, never to find a good finish. For me to be able to start and finish a rough draft in a couple of weeks, that's a step in the right direction.

Honest moment? I'm 32, and I'm starting to get scared with the whole writing thing. Needing to make myself do a bit more, to make a little more come of it. There's a twin demon of laziness and uncertainty, and it's a daily battle to say "fuck you both..."

But, it's going good right now.

Current goal is to have this draft done by next Monday. Reasons being, the end point is relatively quick to get to (For once, I think I know where this story's supposed to go), and for two, our busy season at work is kicking into high gear. As it is, I had to come back from vacation, and knock it up into third pretty much as soon as I hit the door. Made me a crabby sumbitch, to be honest, but we'll deal....

Anyway. Just a marker or two. Y'all take it easy.
posted by Tommy at 11:27

 
Burn Me Deadly

Just want to take a second to give a shout for a buddy of mine. I'm writing without coffee in me, so I'm not particularly verbose this morning. Suffice it to say, a friend is having continued success, and this is a post simply to say I'm proud of the man.

I've known Alex Bledsoe for a decade now. He headed up a writing group I joined in college. He's a funny guy with an easy laugh. He tells a hell of a story. He's a cool dude, and he's worked hard toward these goals for years now.

It's not hard to believe that he's got ANOTHER book coming out Tuesday. Alex is a great guy who's earned his continued success. I'm proud to call him friend.

Burn Me Deadly is coming out tomorrow, and you can order it from Amazon here:



Edit:

You can read an interview with Alex about Burn Me Deadly here....

Further edit:

Corrected the link...had one too many http's in there....
posted by Tommy at 07:52

 
Cromwell...

Synchronicity, y'all.



and


posted by Tommy at 21:47

 
Highlighting Another Difference Between Me and President Obama

Today, I can name three four people in my acquaintance who've prayed to the porcelain gods.

So far as I know, President Obama cannot say the same.
posted by Tommy at 21:18