Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Sports Czar

I want to be Sports Czar.

I want to be the final authority on all questions sports.

Used to be, their commissioners were enough.

Now?  I want to be that body to appeal to, when a Commissioner hands down a decision.

All sports would be able to appeal to me.  Professional or Amateur.

For this, I ask only a small stipend.  Roughly $1500 week.

Also, a cloak to wear.  For I don't want people to know my identity.  I'd like a hooded cloak.  So I might be shrouded in mystery.

Also, I want a huge mission control type room where I might watch all these sports.

And I want the right of one arbitrary murder a year.  You piss me off?  I point at you, and say "Dead."  And then government agents would wisk you off and destroy you.  Or, if I'm driving, and some asshole cuts me off?  I call a number, and attack helicopters swoop in and destroy the offending party.

I wouldn't use it often.  Just enough to for it to be effective.  And I'll give some back...if I don't use my arbitrary murder in a calendar year, there are no rollovers.  I don't use it, I lose it.  I would recommend that the year run from birthday to birthday...because that would be a hella cool birthday gift.  It would also make that corridor from Christmas to my birthday a tricky one to navigate, if you're prone to pissing me off, and I haven't used up that murder yet.

Yep.  Sports Czar.  That's me.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

In which he should stay off the social media until he's had his coffee

I wake up.  I sit there on the edge of the bed.  I look at the text message I received at 2 in the morning from a co-worker.  I then go scrolling through Facebooke.

It turns out, I'd never done the math on the propensity for my friends named Rachel to marry guys named Matt.  I've got three sets of Rachel and Matt among my friends.

Just two of those sets are are on social media, but it was the third that I was getting confused.

One set had a baby.

It was the set is made of my friend Rachel, whom I used to see often, but then stopped seeing as much when I got transferred up to the Loudon, and then we just never hooked back up as often, after that.  She married a fellow named Matt, who's a pretty cool dude.

However, my sleep-addled brain didn't grasp that it was that Rachel, as she posts infrequently on the Facebook.  Without saying too much myself, she didn't mention the pregnancy much due to the personal risks.  I read this, and understood, though in my mind, I had the complete wrong Rachel in mind saying this.  the one I had in mind was one I see somewhat often, if irregularly, as she shops in my store from time to time.  The thought running through my mind:  I had no idea she was pregnant.  She didn't look pregnant.

I got up.  Took a pee.  Made a cup of coffee.

Sat down at my computer, and wanted to read the post again.  I typed in Rachel, and the first that pops up is a friend from my home town, that I went to school and church with.  She had no posts about being pregnant, and I was again confused for a couple seconds.

Anyway.  This long and boring post was made possible by a cup of coffee.  I've sorted my Rachel/Matt combos out.  Congrats to the one with a new daughter.  Congrats to all of them for being married to Matts.  I like to think that somewhere up on the astral plane, there's a chortle about this.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

A note from the ether....

Spray tan, son.  Someday, you'll understand that you didn't dodge a bullet so much as had the Crazy Train pass you by on the station.