Democrats

And now, a few thoughts on the Democratic Presidential Candidates:

Howard Dean: Condescending, fake smile. Don't say on an interview show that you aren't sure if the viewers will know what you're talking about. That only makes me ill, dude.

Al Sharpton: Witty, even funny. Possibly insane. I think he may actually be Tracy Morgan in disguise.

Joe Lieberman: I look at him, and I think both Evil Henchman and Evil Overlord. He reminds me so much of Wormtongue from the Two Towers that it's scary. Plus, I'd say he wrings his hands a lot and moans a lot like Pat, in those old SNL skits. But he looks so much like Senator, and later, Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars that I think we should be on the lookout for any Sith Lords he may have accompanying him.

Richard Gephardt: He's a Dick.

Carol Moseley Braun: Seems nice, but is she serious? I mean, does she honestly think she's got a chance? I mean, I realize that you have to do something, but this all seems like a tremendous waste of time.

Wesley Clark: It would be great if he just shot people at a debate. In the middle of answering question, stops, looks at his feet, and says under his breath: "Screw It." Then he pulls out a pearl-handled revolver and just starts taking the other candidates out.

John Kerry: Could headbutt you into oblivion. Seriously. Look at that dome. He could put Jimmy Snuka down with that melon.

Dennis Kucinich: Who? Don't know you, chief. But you'll never win the Presidency with a last name like that.

John Edwards: Looks like a game show host, or a car salesman. Or a TV preacher. None of which instills me with a great deal of confidence. I trust his smile even less than I do Howard Dean's.