The Creepiest Guy on Television

I got rid of cable recently.

(I pause to interrupt myself. In this fun life of mine, where time flies because it's like riding the Matterhorn over and over and over and over, I often lose track of time...it's actually been a couple of months since I got rid of cable, which I suppose is recent in terms of World War I, or the Triassic Period, but seems a lot closer to today than it actually was).

Anyway, let me start over. I got rid of cable television recently. Mainly because I wasn't at home enough to warrant paying what I was for the television I was getting. I hooked the old Television de Tommy up to one of those newfangled digital antennas and I get enough channels of crap to keep me happy for weeks.

Add to that, 99% of what I want to watch is on the old interweb, anyway, and I'm good to go. I say all that, because most of what I watch, I'm able to zoop past commercials, or not be labored with them at all.

Which is why it's particularly jarring when I'm watching something live, and there are commercials to be dealt with. Especially, when you run across something like this:


THE CREEPIEST GUY ON TV

The commercial is for gum. Trident Layers, specifically. I learned the brand, because I do not want at all to be sucked into the zombielike state these people seem to exist in. As such, I do not want to buy the gum. More specifically, I don't want to be stuck in a world where Parcel Delivery Men are staring in people's windows, seeing what kind of gum they're chewing.

Questions:

1.) Is this a normal course of action in the world? Do Parcel Delivery Men stare in people's windows as a habit? Or was he drawn by the delightfulness of the bubble gum? I need to know. I don't want to accidentally buy this gum, and then have every UPS and FedEx man in the tri-county area wandering their way to peep in my windows. Or, do I need to install some manner of anti-parcel-person-peeping deterrent at my house? I envision this to be a series of shotguns attached to light receptors at each windows, which fire when light is blocked via a shadow (a shadow made by a peeping parcel person) and buckshot is fired into the person peeping in the window at my bubblegum.

2.) We aren't moving to a system where we're being paid in gum, are we? I'm not necessarily opposed, I guess. Will my taxes be taken out in gum? Will last night's health care initiative be likewise paid for in gum?

3.) I don't chew a lot of gum. Is this gum that good? I can't imagine anything tasting so good that it causes a zombie-like devotion to it. The only possible exception is Famous Amos Chocolate Chip & Pecan cookies. Those little bastards are good. Only problem? Chocolate makes me break out, and gives me nightmares, if I eat too much.

4.) What is up with that guy's teeth? I think that's the spookiest part for me. He's all chomper. He looks like that episode of Simpsons, where Bart steals Grandpa Simpson's dentures, and uses them to ride the ceiling fan. I bet the guy in that commercial could bite through the barrel of a shotgun, if need be. Which throws into turmoil my Package Peeper Deterrent System.

5.) So, I was a little put off that I'm more worried by the Parcel Peeper than I am the fact that a man pops his head out of the chimney. I mean, the chimney sweep is now in the house. Seems like he's the bigger threat. But then I decided, in the short term, the chimney sweep is not the bigger threat, because he's still the most vulnerable. If somebody poked their head into the fireplace from above, you'd still have ample time to whomp him about the head and shoulders with that ash shovel before he could get out of the chimney to steal all your gum. Plus, the family in question probably knew that the chimney sweep was coming, and working (though one might question the wisdom of leaving him to work while the babysitter is watching the kids). You know the chimney sweep is working, but you have no idea that SuperChomp Parcel Peeper is coming. His chief weapon is surprise.

And fear.

Here's the entire commercial.