Open Letters about Self-Checkout Lanes.

There are two letters.

First, to the retailers.

Fellers:

The self-checkout lanes are an alternative to having a living, breathing checker check you out. Not a replacement.

Why were there no checkers at the other lanes? And this wasn't for a minute while somebody was on break. This was like 10 minutes, as I walked to different parts of the store to pick up different things. Never once did I see a checker.

That was my loaf of bread, dish soap and a pear that you found in a basket on the floor. I stood there for about five minutes before leaving. No living, breathing checkers were anywhere to be seen. There was one guy at the self-check lanes frantically trying to explain to people how the things work. People were trying to take cartloads of stuff through the self-check lanes. Ideally, these are for express orders. There's no excuse for this.

You did not get my money today.

Also, a specific note to Ingle's Markets: there's no need to have a person at the counter to O.K. everything that's scanned across. That's counter-productive. It ends up taking longer.

Love,
Big Stupid Tommy

Now, to my fellow customers.

Folks:

This self-checkout thing is not so hard. You know that bunch of straight lines in a box at the bottom of EVERYTHING? The one that's been there for nigh on 30 years now? That's how the machine knows what your cereal costs.

Ma'am....If you were 89, you would have an excuse for not understanding the futuristic scanners. But you're in your 30's, and you should know this. And don't get testy with the guy who's trying to help you. It shouldn't take you twelve minutes to buy Cap'n Crunch and a jar of olives. Who the Hell buys Olives? Are you needing them for martinis? If you're drunk, you need to stay home. If you're stupid, marry smart and get him to come to the store with you.

The circumstances above not withstanding, you should never take a large load of groceries through the self check lane. No matter how stupid you think checkers are and how much of a waste of time they are. Because then you become the waste of time.

Yours Truly,
Big Stupid Tommy

I'm trying hard to calm down about the little things in life. I thought I was going to have a coronary the one day I got behind a lady trying to scan lip gloss at the Wal-Mart self-check lane, and she couldn't quite get the knack of it.

Today just about drove me crazy. I went from calm and serene happy daisies to stark raving lunatic in the space of five minutes.

But that mess where they didn't have any checking lanes open? That was bullshit.

I really wanted to eat that pear, too.

p.s. The checkout lanes at Ingle's drive my Dad bonkers, too.