Insomnia

It all started with my friend Julie, who e-mailed me to say that she's never had trouble sleeping in her life, until very recently, when her brain has decided to think about any and everything at 2 AM. I haven't heard if last night went any better for her.

I'd been sleeping nicely, thank you, for about a week and a half, and figured I was in for another three or four week trip of nice sleepy days. But Nooooooooo. Actually, yesterday wasn't so bad. I just couldn't get to sleep when I laid down, even though I felt ridiculously tired. I still managed to get the six that I need, so I ain't bitchin'. Just had to read a while to finally get to sleep.

But then, I went to work, and a co-worker blames me for his not being able to sleep that day. I told him it was because the kids were home from school because of the snow....which I was informed was also my fault (I couldn't follow the reasoning, but I've been blamed for bigger stuff more non-sensically, so I just let it go). But it was my talking about not being able to sleep a while back that got him to thinking about it, and there he was, all day, lying awake.

AND THEN, this morning, I get an e-mail from another buddy of mine who's not been sleeping well. And he decided last night, at 2:45 AM, on his fifth day of no sleepy, that his insomnia was my fault, and that he'd be driving from Virginia to cut me up with a hatchet. And then he would be able to sleep.

AND THEN, I read Gooseneck's lament on the effect of the years....as they related to the sleepless nights.

AND THEN, the Sloth got on board the night train last night. He calls us freaks.

I have bouts of insomnia. They come and go. Sometimes I'll go months without being bothered by it. Sometimes, it'll seem like it's been months since I slept. It's not a bother, really. The biggest effect is that I'll just be cranky at work, that's all. I mean, really, at least I'll have a reason this time around.

I don't take sleeping pills. They seem to take forever to wash out of my system. I still feel groggy when I have to get up the next day, and I feel like I'm moving a speed setting slower than the rest of the world.

NyQuil works, if I'm looking to abuse over the counter medication. I don't take it just to sleep. But if I've got a cold or sinus problem, and that's what's keeping me up, a double shot of NyQuil will clear me up and knock me out. The side effects, though, include its taste (It tastes like what I'd imagine rotten licorice stored in Roseanne Barr's armpit would taste like) and the fact that Nyquil gives me really messed up dreams. Nothing scary or intense, or even trippy. Under the influence of NyQuil, I'll have super-realistic dreams about the mundane goings on of my life....basically, I'll dream I'm awake, and doing something extremely ordinary like tying my shoes or sitting in a chair. All night.

Generally, if I can't sleep, I read. I do that every night (day) before I go to sleep anyway. Sometimes, I just get more read. (I finished The Restaurant at the End of the Universe yesterday, and just started the next book in the Hitchhiker series).

It's the same if I wake up in the middle of the night, and can't get back to sleep. I'll just read a while.

Or I'll write. Either on a notepad, or I'll get up and write on the computer. Usually stories, or character outlines, but sometimes on here, too. There've been a few Ass End of the Night (or Day) Insomniac posts on this blog.

I don't watch TV too much, though my friend Adam (Brother in Insomnia) swears by Headline News or ESPNews. After once through the repitition, he'll start nodding off. But the light keeps me from going to sleep, so I don't do the TV.

A glass of milk helps. Tomato or Chicken Soup work better. I'm not a big night-time solid food eater, though I remember an aunt telling me once that she kept turkey in the house, and she'd eat some if she couldn't sleep. Whether it was psychological or turkey, she didn't know, but she swore by it. If I eat too much in the middle of the night, it sits on my stomach.

My boss at my old job never drank, she said, but if she was having trouble sleeping, she'd take a shot of whiskey. Whatever works.

There are other methods, which work with varying degrees of success.

But my favorite, which I never really believed 100%, but which makes for a good story, is the story of how my buddy Matt dealt with his insomnia.

Matt made an enemy of a teacher in his high school. Matt says it came about by Matt's being smarter than the teacher, even as a teenager. Basically, the teacher's relationship with Matt was completely antagonistic...the guy was a bully, and Matt was just a quiet guy going about his business. The teacher, one afternoon, told Matt in front of a class that Matt would never amount to anything. That he'd end up a bum in a go nowhere job and stay there, forever.

Shortly after Matt graduated high school, this teacher was made to resign over an impropriety with a student. Apparently, the teacher's life went to hell, after that. Divorce. Bankruptcy. You name it. Matt ran into him a couple of years later, when he took Matt's order at a McDonald's.

Not long after, Matt couldn't sleep. He was in the kitchen, and he noticed the phone book. He looked up his old teacher's number. And his insomnia cure was, essentially, to harass this guy who'd said he'd never amount to anything. His usual ploy was to call and say "Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce....etc."

Or sometimes he'd ask for an extension on a paper he'd meant to turn in in the eleventh grade.

But he said he got the most satisfaction out of just repeating back to that former teacher what he'd been told in class that fateful afternoon when Matt was in high school.

And any time Matt did that, he said, he'd have no trouble sleeping after that.

The story, taken with a grain of salt, tells of the best cure for insomnia I can think of. A little schadenfreude-driven harassment to ease the mind.

Again...whatever works.