Friday, July 14, 2006

12:40: In Which Tommy Prays

12:40 In Which Tommy Prays

Dear Jeebus,

Hi, how are you?

Me, I'm fine. I'm eating too much fiber, but in my line of work, you gotta embrace any chance to get off your feet. And whether the seat has a crap hole or not, it's a chair.

Anyway, I'm writing to you to ask for one thing. Could you please send thoughts and/or inspiration down to some inventor-type fellow, to make it possible for both time travel and the ability to jump through the television to attack the people inside?

Perhaps you could send them down to me, whilst I am whiling away the time on the crapper.

Anyway, here's why, Jeebus: I finally sat to watch Grizzly Man today.

Jeebus, I know that you work in mysterious ways. But why, in all your infinite wisdom, did you create such a tool? I mean, aside from the sheer entertainment value of being eaten by a bear, which is probably enough, now that I think about it....

I don't know at what point I actively started rooting for the bears, but I do thank you for that movie. It's re-established my belief in justice in this world. If there were ever man who needed to be ripped to shreds by wild animals, it was Timothy Treadwell.

What a douche.

So. Thank you, Jeebus. You done good. One of these days, I'm gonna buy you a beer.

Still, my journalistic training eggs me on, and I gotta ask: Is he up there in heaven. And if so, is here there simply for your amusement? Perhaps surrounded by bears, or perhaps by throngs of people, who instead of giving him the attention he so desired, ignore him completely?

Because that would be cool. And just.

Although, if you ever have chance it to do over again, I'd kinda like to see such a person die from rabies. Perhaps from that fox who stole his hat.

Yeah. A nice frothing case of rabies.

Thank you, Jeebus.


p.s. That salve really did the trick.


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