Ten Things that are True about my Mother
Ten Things that are True about my Mother
1. Today is her birthday, and she is 924 years old.
2. My mother can deadlift 1,920 pounds. I once saw her pick a Toyota Tercel up to pick up a set of keys, that had fallen under that car. The twenty-seven Mexicans inside the car were quite surprised. They now serve my mother. They are her Meximinions.
3. When my mother saw Superman use his immense strength to crush a lump of coal into a diamond, in Superman 3, she hunted Superman down, and crushed him into a diamond. She wears that diamond around her neck in brooch form. It is rather tasteful, if you asked me.
4. My mother beat the shit out of Teddy Roosevelt in 1895. Literally. She beat the shit out of him. That shit is in the Smithsonian. That beating is why Franklin Delano Roosevelt pronounced his last name differently, so as to distance himself from what he saw as a shameful event.
5. My mother gave FDR polio. For attempting to distance himself from what he saw as Teddy's shameful ass whooping. There is nothing shameful in losing a fight to my mother. There is shame in losing dishonorably, and acting a coward. FDR led us through World War II as an act of contrition.
6. My mother's favorite bird is the Cardinal. I have not said so out loud until now, but I am afraid that this particular fact may have something to do with the Cubs not having won the Pennant in a century.
7. My mother speaks 89 languages. 28 of those are dead languages. 27 seven of those are dead because they disobeyed her. (The last simply died of fright).
8. My mother owns one pair of shoes. Formal occasions and fashions simply mold themselves around this one pair of shoes.
9. My mother appears three times on the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. She is not John, George or Ringo. I have ascertained that last fact myself, owing to that John and George are dead, and Ringo is a goofball. My mother is most certainly not a goofball. I thought I'd discounted her being Paul, as well, but I did see her tapping her foot to a Wings song the other day....
10. Wings is the greatest band in the history of music. Period. Please do not doubt this. I tend to like you folks quite a bit....
(Happy B'day...)
1. Today is her birthday, and she is 924 years old.
2. My mother can deadlift 1,920 pounds. I once saw her pick a Toyota Tercel up to pick up a set of keys, that had fallen under that car. The twenty-seven Mexicans inside the car were quite surprised. They now serve my mother. They are her Meximinions.
3. When my mother saw Superman use his immense strength to crush a lump of coal into a diamond, in Superman 3, she hunted Superman down, and crushed him into a diamond. She wears that diamond around her neck in brooch form. It is rather tasteful, if you asked me.
4. My mother beat the shit out of Teddy Roosevelt in 1895. Literally. She beat the shit out of him. That shit is in the Smithsonian. That beating is why Franklin Delano Roosevelt pronounced his last name differently, so as to distance himself from what he saw as a shameful event.
5. My mother gave FDR polio. For attempting to distance himself from what he saw as Teddy's shameful ass whooping. There is nothing shameful in losing a fight to my mother. There is shame in losing dishonorably, and acting a coward. FDR led us through World War II as an act of contrition.
6. My mother's favorite bird is the Cardinal. I have not said so out loud until now, but I am afraid that this particular fact may have something to do with the Cubs not having won the Pennant in a century.
7. My mother speaks 89 languages. 28 of those are dead languages. 27 seven of those are dead because they disobeyed her. (The last simply died of fright).
8. My mother owns one pair of shoes. Formal occasions and fashions simply mold themselves around this one pair of shoes.
9. My mother appears three times on the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. She is not John, George or Ringo. I have ascertained that last fact myself, owing to that John and George are dead, and Ringo is a goofball. My mother is most certainly not a goofball. I thought I'd discounted her being Paul, as well, but I did see her tapping her foot to a Wings song the other day....
10. Wings is the greatest band in the history of music. Period. Please do not doubt this. I tend to like you folks quite a bit....
(Happy B'day...)
posted by Tommy at
09:50
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home