Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, Mocktober 2010

It's been a little while since I've blathered online during a bout of insomnia. Reading on the subject has lead to other pursuits, when the wake-up-demon visits around 3:15 in the morning: cleaning, mostly, though folding laundry seems to have found home in that timeslot, as well. Does it help? Some, but not any substantial, quantitative amount. Not anymore than coming in to the living room and dumping brain blatherings out for all you to see.

At least when I get up to do this, it gets some of the thoughts out of my brain, where they can take form on their own, and not bounce around my skull like a roomful of toddlers hyped up on oreos, cherry Flavor Aid and a spoonful of meth.

What's new?

I'm on vacation this week, which is pleasing, and why this little bout of insomnia isn't bothering me much. If I want to sleep until noon, I will. I got up to take a whiz and suddenly I'm lying there in bed, staring at the wall. Not thinking about much, really. Just awake.

Not going far on this vacation. Lack of funds, or more appropriately, funds being needed elsewhere, prevented an extended wandering across the nation. Which I think is the big thing that kept me awake.

2010 was supposed to be a big travel year. I was going to wander toward the north, during the summer, to see baseball games in Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Cleveland, as well as a trip out west to see the Los Angeles/Anaheim area. But, finances fell where they did. I am lucky that I was able to accomplish one of my three baseball trips this year, to get to meet Troy, Matt and Rob out in Corn Country. With that, I get to mark Iowa off of the list of states I'd never been to.

Still. Disappointing, because I do like to travel. But, sometimes you gotta do the big boy thing and pay for tires or schooling or any of life's other various and sundry expenses.

It's made me change how I do a few things. Budgeting a little more. Brownbagging it a little. Cutting out little purchases that don't do me much good in the long run. All good things, I suppose. In the end, it's toward having a little more pocket cash to wander somewhere in the world, especially since the employer seems bent on puckering up tighter than a snare drum when it comes to money.

So, it's a Staycation. Which sucks on the one level. But it's let me get some writing done, and finish a couple projects I'd been wanting to do for a while. The house was re-arranged on Wednesday. No small feat, given the number of books I still own. And this is after a major cull within the last month. Funny part is, in this time of re-evaluating expenses, given the amount of trade credit I wander around with (found $27.68 more, hidden on a bookshelf), I don't think I've paid actual money for a book this year. I just keep trading. I think I've paid actual money for one book this year, Cherie Priest's Dreadnought, but other than that, I've been relying on trade credit.

I've been catching movies. RED was fun. Jackass 3-D is what it is supposed to be, though I can't think of anything that's made me laugh more than watching Ryan Dunn and Steve-O assaulted by a ram, as they try to play a tuba and trumpet, respectively, to calm it. Let Me In is one of the best movies I've seen this year. Creepy. And I finally caught the Expendables at the $2.00 theater, and I liked it a lot, too.

And, while I have this forum, can I just say this: Fellows? Lock the stall door when you're in it, in the men's room. I don't really care if you're standing up to piss, or if you're sitting to shit. Either way, it's not that hard to lock the stall door. I'm a little tired of you barn-raised motherfuckers thinking the public toilet is your prison cell, where you splay your wares for all to see. Lock the stall door. Damn.

Well, I think I've blathered enough. You pigeons have a good day, and we'll catch you on the flip side.

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, Mocktober 2010

It's been a little while since I've blathered online during a bout of insomnia. Reading on the subject has lead to other pursuits, when the wake-up-demon visits around 3:15 in the morning: cleaning, mostly, though folding laundry seems to have found home in that timeslot, as well. Does it help? Some, but not any substantial, quantitative amount. Not anymore than coming in to the living room and dumping brain blatherings out for all you to see.

At least when I get up to do this, it gets some of the thoughts out of my brain, where they can take form on their own, and not bounce around my skull like a roomful of toddlers hyped up on oreos, cherry Flavor Aid and a spoonful of meth.

What's new?

I'm on vacation this week, which is pleasing, and why this little bout of insomnia isn't bothering me much. If I want to sleep until noon, I will. I got up to take a whiz and suddenly I'm lying there in bed, staring at the wall. Not thinking about much, really. Just awake.

Not going far on this vacation. Lack of funds, or more appropriately, funds being needed elsewhere, prevented an extended wandering across the nation. Which I think is the big thing that kept me awake.

2010 was supposed to be a big travel year. I was going to wander toward the north, during the summer, to see baseball games in Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and Cleveland, as well as a trip out west to see the Los Angeles/Anaheim area. But, finances fell where they did. I am lucky that I was able to accomplish one of my three baseball trips this year, to get to meet Troy, Matt and Rob out in Corn Country. With that, I get to mark Iowa off of the list of states I'd never been to.

Still. Disappointing, because I do like to travel. But, sometimes you gotta do the big boy thing and pay for tires or schooling or any of life's other various and sundry expenses.

It's made me change how I do a few things. Budgeting a little more. Brownbagging it a little. Cutting out little purchases that don't do me much good in the long run. All good things, I suppose. In the end, it's toward having a little more pocket cash to wander somewhere in the world, especially since the employer seems bent on puckering up tighter than a snare drum when it comes to money.

So, it's a Staycation. Which sucks on the one level. But it's let me get some writing done, and finish a couple projects I'd been wanting to do for a while. The house was re-arranged on Wednesday. No small feat, given the number of books I still own. And this is after a major cull within the last month. Funny part is, in this time of re-evaluating expenses, given the amount of trade credit I wander around with (found $27.68 more, hidden on a bookshelf), I don't think I've paid actual money for a book this year. I just keep trading. I think I've paid actual money for one book this year, Cherie Priest's Dreadnought, but other than that, I've been relying on trade credit.

I've been catching movies. RED was fun. Jackass 3-D is what it is supposed to be, though I can't think of anything that's made me laugh more than watching Ryan Dunn and Steve-O assaulted by a ram, as they try to play a tuba and trumpet, respectively, to calm it. Let Me In is one of the best movies I've seen this year. Creepy. And I finally caught the Expendables at the $2.00 theater, and I liked it a lot, too.

And, while I have this forum, can I just say this: Fellows? Lock the stall door when you're in it, in the men's room. I don't really care if you're standing up to piss, or if you're sitting to shit. Either way, it's not that hard to lock the stall door. I'm a little tired of you barn-raised motherfuckers thinking the public toilet is your prison cell, where you splay your wares for all to see. Lock the stall door. Damn.

Well, I think I've blathered enough. You pigeons have a good day, and we'll catch you on the flip side.

Chapter MMMCDXXII: In which he performs two civic duties

Today, before most of you have eaten lunch, I performed two civic duties.

I voted in the Gubernatorial election, among others. I won't tell you who I voted for, though for the first time in at least a decade and maybe since 1996, I voted for one of the two major candidates in a Gubernatorial election. I don't do this to indicate or disindicate my political leanings one way or the other. I do this mainly because I enjoy writing and saying the word Gubernatorial.

I did vote for a former schoolmate for school board, and the father of a friend for City Council.

The other civic duty? I bought tires.

Civic duty?

Well, at least this way, if I kill you, it won't be because I've skidded into you at a crosswalk because I'm riding around on tires worn down to the steel belts.

In which I listen to music while I write inanities

What I listened to while I wrote this morning:

1. "Bat Out of Hell" Meat Loaf
2. "Should I Be Concerned?" Alison Moorer
3. "The Lords of Salem" Rob Zombie
4. "Sheena is a Punk Rocker" The Ramones
5. "Rattled" The Travelling Wilburys
6. "If I Should From From Grace with God" The Pogues
7. "Help Me, Rhonda" Beach Boys
8. "Party's Over" Nicole Atkins
9. "San Jose" (Live) The Mavericks
10. "Incomplete and Insecure" The Avett Brothers
11. "The Roommate from Hell" Henry Phillips
12. "Funny How Time Slips Away" Willie Nelson
13. "Bastards on Parade" Dropkick Murphys
14. "Just Dropped In (To See What Condition my Condition Was In" The First Edition
15. "Poor Jack" Plain White T's
16. "The Downeaster 'Alexa'" Billy Joel
17. "Our House" Madness
18. "I'm Beginning to Forget" Elizabeth Cook
19. "Anything Goes" Guns N' Roses

A Post about Books

Because I am relishing the fact that, this morning, I have nothing better to do:

Via Sheila's fine site.

1. Favorite childhood book?

A lot come to mind, but probably the best answer is The Wizard of Oz I was six or seven when I read the book, and I remember thinking how much cooler (and scarier) than the movie the book was. Other favorites: The Owlstone Crown, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and The Incredible Journey.

2. What are you reading right now?

Bleak House, by Charles Dickens and I'm picking through Harlan Ellison stories in The Essential Ellison.

3. What books do you have on request at the library?

None.

4. Bad book habit?

Probably buying or trading for them when I have a stack Tommy-high at home to read, already.

5. What do you currently have checked out at the library?

None.

6. Do you have an e-reader?

I got a Kindle for Christmas a couple years back. It's come in pretty handy, actually, for anything out there in the public domain, which I get for free. Was able to get the whole slew of Baum's Oz books and Robert Howard's Conan books. In the past couple of months, I've read 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, War of the Worlds and I re-read A Tale of Two Cities. It's good for bedtime reading, I've found. No pages to have to turn.

That's not to say I don't dig books. I still have tons and tons of books, and still travel with a book on me at any given time...

7. Do you prefer to read one book at a time, or several at once?

For most of my life, it's been a couple or three going at any given time. The past two or three years, as leisure time has gotten away from me, that's gone to one at a time. It's only been since last summer that I've gotten back into the 2 or 3 at a time phase.

8. Have your reading habits changed since starting a blog?

Not in terms of how much I read. There have been a lot of great things recommended by other bloggers...

9. Least favorite book you read this year?

I read a couple that disappointed me, though I hesitate to call them bad. Stephen King's Under the Dome was another in a line of disappointments. It's been a little while that he's published something that I've enjoyed, and said "I'd recommend it and/or read it again, one day." The last Dark Tower books, maybe? Maybe even since Bag of Bones. Under the Dome was just entirely overlong (a complaint on King books I've argued with for years, though in this case, one entirely justified).

Other than that? George Carlin's Memoir Last Words wasn't bad. It just didn't have any energy to it, and any revelation or insight into the man was slight.

10. Favorite book you’ve read this year?

The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet, by Reif Larsen.

Interesting how I found this one. I'll wander around a bookstore, especially an Indie bookstore, to see if they carry anything by a couple authors. It's a small judgment, but I like to see their stuff on shelves. Joe Lansdale is one of them. A couple places I'd gone, I'd seen Larsen's book in the same areas. With a hefty $35 or so pricetag, I had to find this one online for cheap. It's the most fun I've had with a read in recent memory. Smart, and whimsical.

11. How often do you read out of your comfort zone?

From time to time, and I try to make myself. Time is short, though.

12. What is your reading comfort zone?

See, that's the thing I realized...I can read almost anything. I tend to stick with fiction, because I like a good story. But I can get into almost anything.

13. Can you read on the bus?

Yep. I can read just about anywhere.

14. Favorite place to read?

Strangely, on a plane. Seems like that environment's conducive to not only quick and attentive reading, but I tend to absorb everything I read. Can't say way. I fly, on average once every two years. Maybe I should fly more.

15. What is your policy on book lending?

Kinda iffy. There are people I trust, that I will lend books to. A small cadre of people.

I do have several books, though, that I will pick up extras of, especially if I find them cheap. I keep those books to give to folks I think will enjoy them.

16. Do you ever dog-ear books?

No. That's book psychosis #2, right behind breaking the spine of a book.

I tend to use any and everything as a bookmark, and when I'm done with a book, I tend to leave that bookmark in the back of the book. Which is maybe a quaint habit, until you're looking for that month's insurance statement or electric bill. Thank heavens for online billpay.

17. Do you ever write in the margins of your books?

Sometimes. It used to annoy me when somebody did that, and I suppose it still would if they did it to excess. But, I do, from time to time, now. Especially if the writer can turn an especially good phrase. I've become a heck of an underliner.

18. Not even with text books?

It kinda pisses me off that the assumption is "No."

19. What is your favorite language to read in?

English. I kinda suck at the others. I could get by reading Spanish, but it would take me forever.

20. What makes you love a book?

Stealing Sheila's answer: All kinds of things. Good writing, interesting characters, an ability to show me a world I’ve never seen before, or never even thought about before.

21. What will inspire you to recommend a book?

A lot of the above. If it's a writer I think deserves more attention (like Joe Lansdale, Ekaterina Sedia or Cherie Priest), I'll give those books away to somebody who professes a like for their genre. There are occasions where a book helped get me through a time in life. It's rare, but I've recommended a book to a person in a similar situation.

22. Favorite genre?

I run the gamut.

23. Genre you rarely read (but wish you did?)

I wish there were more science writers who wrote more accessibly. Maybe that's not the right word, because I'm capable of understanding quite a bit. I just wish it didn't feel like I was reading a textbook, or stereo instructions, when I was reading up. I wish that there were more Stephen Jay Goulds in the world.

24. Favorite biography?

A few: Al Stump's Ty Cobb biography should be required reading in the sports world. Mick Foley's autobiographical/memoir-ish books are all very, very good, but his first, Have a Nice Day, is probably the best book about wrestling ever written (and there have been a handful of strong ones, actually), but Foley is personable and very conversational in his writing style. And Joseph Ellis's American Sphinx is a really cool read on Thomas Jefferson.

25. Have you ever read a self-help book?

Does Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance count as self-help? If not, probably not.

26. Favorite cookbook?

Don't have one.

27. Most inspirational book you’ve read this year (fiction or nonfiction)?

Was going to say I don't know if I've read anything inspirational, except that Reif Larsen's T.S. Spivet book made me want to write something cool.

28. Favorite reading snack?

I don't eat much when reading. I'll usually have a bottle of water or other similar drink there.

29. Name a case in which hype ruined your reading experience.

There have been a couple of times...usually with a book that EVERYBODY'S reading or read, that I just end up not being able to get behind. It helps to have trusted people you can rely on, when it comes to these things.

30. How often do you agree with critics about a book?

Every time. Without fail. I just want to get in line.

31. How do you feel about giving bad/negative reviews??

Not horrible, so long as criticism is constructive.

32. If you could read in a foreign language, which language would you chose?

Japanese, I think. Russian is also a good answer.

33. Most intimidating book you’ve ever read?

I dunno. Underworld, maybe? Which was a pretty book, with the first 60 pages or so being up there with the best stuff written last century. At the end of the day, the book itself isn't good.

34. Most intimidating book you’re too nervous to begin?

Nervous isn't the right word. I do end up worrying about time (he said, realizing he's been writing on this stupid meme for an hour or so).

35. Favorite poet?

Don't know. I always liked Langston Hughes, in school. Mostly for A Dream Deferred. But Eric kinda knocked me over into the camp of Robert Service.



36. How many books do you usually have checked out of the library at any given time?

None. I don't use the Public Library. I tend to keep books.

37. How often have you returned book to the library unread?

Thinking of it, it's been at least 10 years since I've borrowed a library book.

38. Favorite fictional character?

I run across this question a lot, and my answer probably changes every time. I think today, my answer's Joe Christmas, from Light in August. High on the list? Porter Osborne from Ferrol Sams semi-autobiographical books, Huckleberry Finn, Roland Deshcain the Gunslinger, and Woodpecker (with apologies to Mr. Wrangle).

39. Favorite fictional villain?

The Joker. Comic, book, cartoon, movie, whathaveyou. Runners up: Injun Joe, Manley Pointer, Pennywise, Anton Chigurh, Joe Christmas (again), Severus Snape (who wasn't ultimately the villain, and who had become my favorite character in the Potter books from maybe Sorcerer's Stone, but definitely by Prisoner of Azkaban).

40. Books I’m most likely to bring on vacation?

Whatever's next in line.

41. The longest I’ve gone without reading.

2007 was a bad year. Personally. Professionally. I can look back and say there was probably a pretty good depression in that one. I went pretty much from February to October without reading much of anything.

42. Name a book that you could/would not finish.

I really dug Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash. So, when I heard about The Baroque Cycle, I figured it would be right up my alley. I won't say that Quicksilver, the first book of that series, kicked my butt. I decided 200 pages in that it just didn't seem worth the trouble.

43. What distracts you easily when you’re reading?

Children. I cannot read with children yelling, for some reason.

44. Favorite film adaptation of a novel?

Mystic River is a tremendous adaptation of Dennis Lehane's novel, and actually does a surprising thing for Dave Boyle that the book could not, for me: It makes him a sympathetic character who is lost, and not just a victim.

45. Most disappointing film adaptation?

In my life? Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which I think was required viewing if you went to school in my generation. When I finally got around to reading Dahl's original work, you realize how far short the movie comes. Later, when you learn of the Quaker Oats edicts and simply the technology of the time, how cool it is what they actually did accomplish. Not completely faithful in spirit or execution, but not bad, either.

46. The most money I’ve ever spent in the bookstore at one time?

Probably $150.

47. How often do you skim a book before reading it?

There is no method to the madness.

48. What would cause you to stop reading a book half-way through?

Again, stealing Sheila's answer: Lack of interest. Bad writing. The feeling that the writer thinks I am some sort of moron.

Further: the feeling that life is short, and the payout will not be worth the expenditure of time.

49. Do you like to keep your books organized?

Yeah, there is a Tommy Decimal system. It's maybe the only thing in my life that is truly organized.

50. Do you prefer to keep books or give them away once you’ve read them?

Keep. I cull to donate or trade maybe every six months.

51. Are there any books you’ve been avoiding?

No.

52. Name a book that made you angry.

I had to read a Janet Dailey romance novel for a Pop Culture class, and it got flung across a room a few times. Then, for being crap. As did William Gibson's Neuromancer. Then, for being overrated crap.

Also, when they killed Frank and Joe's girlfriends in the new Hardy Boys adventures. That was bullshit.

53. A book you didn’t expect to like but did?

A book specifically? I don't know. I was completely put off of Cormac McCarthy by All the Pretty Horses, which I'd had to read in college. After No Country for Old Men came out in theaters, I picked up that, and The Road, which had been recommended by many people. McCarthy became a favorite. I even went back to Pretty Horses, which I still don't dig, but I read it again with a more open mind, and have come to appreciate, all the same.

54. A book that you expected to like but didn’t?

Aside from my Stephen King dislike, which might be verging on a decade, I remember looking very strongly forward to Michael Chabon's Summerland. It may be the only thing by Chabon I just don't dig. Another is Joe Lansdale's Lost Echoes, which is the only book by Mr. Lansdale I've put down halfway through.

55. Favorite guilt-free, pleasure reading?

I don't have any guilt. But I do tend to shy away from discussing a lot of pro wrestling biographies and autobiographies in mixed company....

Pregnant Pause...

I actually dig an uncomfortable, awkward silence among people. I don't know why. There just seems to be so much more energy in the air, with a particularly singular emotion shared by all (or most, at least). It's something I've only come to realize about myself over the last couple of years. Maybe it makes me a freak. I tend to think it falls in line with the Pisces part of me that likes harmony among people.

I think my recent favorite Moment of Awkward Silence was during a show store preparation earlier this year. We were discussing how to arrange displays, and one person in our group made a wisecrack that could have been construed both racist and sexist, and then proceeded to laugh about it. I think it was mostly his being overly-tired: we were all running 16 hour workdays, and he was getting tickled. Meanwhile, we all managed to busy ourselves with something else for a few seconds until he composed himself. I turned away so as not to laugh. Not because the crack was particularly funny, but because I enjoyed the moment of quiet shock we were all sharing.

Anyway, I was the unintended cause of a moment of awkward silence.

We are preparing another Show Store. This time, for the holidays. This one isn't nearly as stressful, since the showstore is in my home town, and we actually have sufficient hands to prepare the beast.

Late in the day, I made the acquaintance of a customer. It was an older lady, though I can't put the age any closer to the bullseye than 45-75. She was short. And she was mentally handicapped.

And very personable.

We talked for a minute, after she said Hi to me. I did not catch her name, but she will be having pizza for supper tonight. We also agreed that it rained quite a bit today.

At this point, a couple of co-workers wandered up, and my new friend commented "I like your hair!"

I keep my hair fairly closely cropped. I do this for a couple of reasons. It's easier to take care of, on mornings when I have to get up at 4:55. And, my genes have made it so that I am balding somewhat, a fact that I share a tentative peace with, that is, until I catch a security camera shot of the top of my head, or I start liking somebody enough to ask them out. And? I am naturally curly-headed. So, if I let my hair grow out, I am afraid it leaves my coiffure somewhere in the neighborhood of Larry Fine, though not quite in the Bozo the Clown range....

Anyway.

"I like your hair."

"Well," I answered, smiling, "I like yours, too!"

Then came the pause.

Did I mention that my friend's hair was as closely cropped as mine, if not more closely? We were Brother and Sister in Buzzcut.

I want to say that, because it was the only thing running through my mind at that moment. Her face fell for a moment, and I started to think of any way how I could explain making a mentally handicapped lady cry in the middle of the grocery store.

The pregnant pause gave birth after an eternal moment's gestation. Luckily, after careful consideration, my new friend found my comment uproariously funny.

Oof.

Just oof.

We all get a turn in the chute, and today was mine...

Nantucket....

I wrote this piece of art a couple of years ago. Somehow, I felt it bore repeating:

Tommy's Lamentation

Should the pig have a bark?
He was Kicked off the ark.
Noah? he said no way.

Old Noah? Too Hasty.
A Watchdog so tasty?
Man! I grieve for that day.

Two Ducks, two Mooses
Two Rats, two Gooses
Surely, Noah could play...

The man was mistaken.
I mourn barking bacon.
Will God fix this? I pray!

The Yankees

Got out of work last night in time to listen to the eighth and ninth inning of the Twins/Yankees game. And I was hit with a disturbing realization, just as the last out was made. This all comes on the same day as Tony Gwynn's revelation that he's fighting cancer. And I cannot put aside the notion that the two events are connected.

And looking back over history, there are a few startling parallels:

October 1996: Lance Armstrong is diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer. The Yankees win their first World Series of the decade.

May 1998: Phil Hartman is found dead at his home, just as the Yankees are beginning a steamroll toward a 114 win season.

October 2000: Rodney Anoa'i (aka Yokozuna) dies during a tour of England. It is believed by some that the arachnaphobic wrestling champion died of a heart attack, after finding a spider in his hotel room. This can be neither confirmed nor denied by this reporter, though I can tell you this: The third ring of Hell is inhabited by spider, snakes and the New York Yankees. (The third ring of Hell is called on play-by-play by John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman).

Just something to chew on, this Sunday morning...

Thursday

About a year ago, I wrote a Guinness-y piece on the Cubs season in 2009.

Well, tonight's drink of choice is Stone IPA, and thought I thought about writing a bit on the Cubs' season in 2010, I can count on 2 hands the number of games I actually saw in 2010. Maybe 1, but it's been 15 years since my last math class.

Here's the bit of shit that's been wandering around my mind, given the Cubs' 32-17 finish to the season. (Gimme a break if I'm remembering numbers wrong. There've been a goodly number of Stone IPA).

Why do a set of millionaires play one way for one guy, but another, much better way, for another guy? Can I just ask that? It's all baseball. It's not like Mike Fucking Quade taught these guys how to throw, hit or otherwise field a baseball durin their fiscal year.

I make much, much less than a million dollars a year. Is that impolite to point out. Well, if it is, you need to find a new value system. I am the Johnny Cash Ninja around these parts. So, how much less?

Metric assload.

I would have to work 30 years to get withing cockpunching distance of a million dollars. Alfonso "I sometimes hit in clutch" Soriano makes more than I do in 2 plate appearances. Two. Two Goddamn plate appearances. That's bullshit! I haven't even gotten to Thanksgiving yet!!!!!!!!!

But I digress.

The Stone IPA Thoughts on the Chicago Cubs?

This has been a depressing year to be a Cubs fan. And I've been doing this shit since 1984. I know I'm not a longtimer, but I'm not a newbie. I've got a couple rings on my decade bandana. I got a little room to bitch.

Strangely, there's little inclination.

2010's been a trying year, on a personal level. You know, beyond baseball.

The gasp is audible all through your home.

There have been minor amounts of Real Life Shit to deal with. Work mostly, but there's been moments of pause. As for baseball? Honestly? I've paid as little attention to the boys in blue in 2010 as I have in any year since Leon Durham rolled a grounder through his knees. Part of that's been by choice. You don't end up anywhere but the Loony Bin by screaming at your computer screen because of box scores.

I made the statement on the Twitter: I have never looked more toward the end of a baseball season.

And that's God's honest truth.

Honestly, I woke up today, on November 7, with a couple teams in the playoffs who honestly excite my dumb ass (Reds, Rangers, with a nod of indie-respect toward the Twins). And for the first time in my life, I said "It's Hockey Season!"

And let me just say this, you Slime Kings of Etowah: I dig Hockey. Somehow, over last season, it really caught my eye. I've always dug it, at least since the Predators made their merry way toward Nashville. Something popped in my brain last season. Dunno what (blood vessel, likely). Baseball's always gonna be #1 in my big, dumb heart. But, Football suddenly has a challenger in this guy's attention span. (Especially since we insist on starting Vince Young, my fellow Tennesseeans--if you're looking for Magic, you might as well start calling the Lakers, because in Tennessee, we spell Bust with a V and a Y).

So. I was happy to see hockey season here.

Beisbol? Cubs? Keep Quade? Bring Sandberg up?

Who knows?

I just put fucking cranberry sauce on a shelf.

Cran. Berry. Sauce.

I'll just be watching the hockey.

Ritz Crackers

Holy Crap.

Have you tried these things?

Ritz Crackers are slamming!!!! (I heard that word in a movie I was watching the other night. I was half-asleep, and it starred either Jackie Chan or Robert Davi, and there was a black guy in in, but not the one you're thinking of.)

I bought a box of Ritz Crackers the other day. Must be new.

These things are fucking good.

You know what they remind me of?

The end of World War II, and that scene in New York where they're celebrating V-E Day, and there are those people jumping up and down in their funny 40's outfits, all happy and shit. That's what these crackers remind me of.

Happiness. At the end of a major war. In funny clothes.

They ought to let me write copy for advertising.

Ritz Crackers! They are as good as the End of the Second World War!

They're really good.

You should try them with peanut butter.

Because you don't listen enough to what I say.

Do what I say.

And remember. No matter what you do, you'll always be graded on the weakest 5% somebody can find. And if they can't find anything to be critical of, they'll make some shit up. Because they haven't found the Ritz Cracker Pathway to Happiness (as good as dropping a bomb on Nagasaki!) So, they have to shit on what you do. It's their way.

Who's to say what's right and wrong?

Me!

I am!

And Who am I?

Big Stupid Tommy. Ritz Cracker Maven, and Bloggert Extraordinaire.

I am pleased that I spelled Extraordinaire correctly.

Easily pleased.

Thattaboy.