In which Tommy casts the Dark Tower series....

With word on the street flying that Javier Bardem is the choice to play Roland in Ron Howard's gigantor Dark Tower series, I'd just like to offer a bit of my own fantasy casting for the series. In fact, these are the faces I saw in my head, when I read the books:

Roland of Gilead: Bubba Smith
Eddie Dean: Steve Guttenberg
Susannah Dean: Leslie Easterbrook
Jake Chambers: Emmanuel Lewis
Oy of Mid World: Bobcat Goldthwait

Walter O'Dim/Marten/Flagg: Michael Winslow

Father Callahan: Gallagher

Alice: Amy Madigan
Brown: Sam Elliott
Zoltan: Jack Black

Young Roland: Bubba Smith, mustache shaved
Cuthbert Allgood: Brad Garrett
Alain Johns: Randy Travis
Cort: Randy "Macho Man" Savage
Stephen Deschain: Alan Alda
The Demon in the Speaking Circle: Martin Lawrence, in Big Mama gear

Enrico Balazar: Robert Davi
Jack Andolini: Jet Li
Jack Mort: Carrot Top

Shardik: George Wendt
Aunt Talitha: Phyllis Diller
Tick Tock: Kenan Thompson
Blaine the Monorail: Voiced by Larry David

Susan Delgado: Marion Ramsey
Cordelia Delgado: Terry Jones, in drag
Rhea of the Coos: Margaret Cho
Eldred Jonas: Sarah Silverman
Roy DePape: Tom Hanks
Clay Reynolds: Peter Scolari
Sheemie: Matthew McConaughey

Who plays the townspeople of Calla Bryn Sturgis are inconsequential to me, but I want all the Roont children played by Shaquille O'Neal.

Mia: Roseanne Barr
Ted Braughtigan: Anthony Hopkins
Dinky Earnshaw: Lou Ferrigno
Mordred Deschain: Louis Gossett, Jr.
Dandelo: Cedric the Entertainer
Patrick Danville: Tom Welling