Friday, December 12, 2014

Things Better than Chicken Wings to Yell About

I got yelled at about chicken wings today.

It's a long story that I can't really write about because I've agreed not to as a condition of employment.  Meet me out behind the Dairy Queen next Tuesday night, and while we pick through the Dumpster Leavins, I'll tell you the tale in all its hilarious glory in person.

Anyway.  If you find yourself yelling about chicken wings (a food sold by damn near every restaurant in town, as well as every other grocery store, by the way), you really just need to realize that you're the asshole.  Chicken wings are a stupid thing to yell about.   I have taken the time to make short (and by no means exhaustive) list of things better to yell about than chicken wings:

  • War
  • Pestilence
  • Famine
  • Racism
  • Sexism
  • Agism
  • Deism
  • Atheism
  • Christmas
  • Christmas Music
  • Christmas Decorations
  • The complete lack of Kwanzaa decorations at my store.
  • The complete lack of WWE Royal Rumble memorabilia at my store.
  • Monkeys stealing your shit
  • Monkees stealing your shit (especially that fuckwit Peter Tork).
  • That thing where one nostril is clear, but the other congested
  • The fact that Jon Lester, if he averages 115 pitches a game, over 32 starts, if you break it down by pitches, will make what I make after 7 pitches next year.
  • Bears in the house.
  • Wolves in the house..
  • Pigs in the house.
  • Birds in the house
  • Bats in the house
  • Bugs in the house
  • When somebody doesn't replace the toilet paper in the rest room.
  • When the elastic on the boxers wears out, and they slink down inside your pants, held in place only by the pants crotch
  • People who don't use their turn signal
  • People who take forever to turn right off of a road
  • People who don't utilize the shoulder in such occasions.
  • The fact that Dwyane Wade spells his name that way
  • The fact that Guacamole Doritos will never come back.
  • Some people are pushing for the DH in the National League
  • Hats
  • Bats
  • Cats
  • Brats (the sobbing children, and whatnot)
  • Brats (the sausage)
  • The fact that I can't get Chicken Korma delivered to my house.
  • Couples who share facebook accounts
  • Husbands who post on their wife's Facebook account.
  • Bear in your house
  • Bear in your car
  • Bear in your shower
  • Bear under the sink
  • Bear in the commode
  • Toilet Snakes
  • Ebola
  • Legionnaires Disease
  • Epilepsy
  • Leprosy
  • Lepropepsi
  • The fact that King Kong Bundy isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame
  • The fact that Koko B. Ware is.
  • Kobe Bryant
  • Mike Tyson
  • Milton Bradley
  • Pete Rose
  • My damnable crush on the Wendy's girl
  • The mere suggestion that Seth Rogen should play me in a movie
  • the University of Alabama
  • Blueberry Frosted Mini Wheats (I was actually yelled at about these, too)
Yelled at.  

I'm not exaggerating.

Who yells at a stranger about cereal?  Or wings?
Who does that?


Blogger Gladorn said...

I did a double take at the Monkeys/Monkees statement. It took a moment for the grey matter to process that.

On an aside, I don't miss working retail at all.

10:39 PM  

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