No post yesterday. I was held hostage by a highly trained urban assault team made up entirely of Golden Retrievers. You think they want to play, but then they're calling your family saying "We need $4,229 and three big bags of Ol' Roy."

In the seventh hour of my captivity, I asked, "Can I please post to my website?"

Their leader, an older dog with flecks of gray littered about his muzzle, said "No."

And I asked "Why not, Hondo?" (Incidentally, his name was Hondrich Jameel Hornsweigler III...Hondo for short)

And he snarled "Because it would make you happy."

I asked, "Is that why you haven't let me go to the toilet?"

"No," he said, "we won't let you go to the bathroom because you don't have sense enough to go out in the woods to do it."