Here's the Day I'm Having

Have you ever sat down to do something? It could be anything.

Write. Watch TV. Pay Bills. Talk to a Midget. Read a book.

And you sit down with a beverage. You drink your tasty beverage. And in doing the things that you're doing, it takes longer to do it than it does to drink one tasty beverage.

You say to yourself: I'd like another tasty beverage.

But you neglect to take the empty can from the first tasty beverage, in this case a Diet Pepsi, to the trash. When you sit back down, and you open up your second Diet Pepsi, you realize that you are now sitting in front of the computer with two open Diet Pepsi cans. One of them is full and cool. The other, is empty, and it mocks.

And you write your funny little stories (or pay bills or talk to midgets) and over the course of time, you go to take a sip of your tasty Diet Pepsi.

And every time you do so, without fail, instead of grabbing the ice cold mostly full can, you grab the empty can of Diet Pepsi. They are sitting one next to the other on the table in front of you. It's an honest mistake.

But a feeling of anger washes over you. You begin to question yourself: Why didn't I just throw this can away? and Why don't I throw it away now? But being the Instant Satisfaction Child of the 80's that you are, before you throw the empty can into the wastebasket (which is seven painful feet away), you grab the full can of Diet Pepsi, and take a drink of it.

And really, when you think about it, your mind can only handle one thing at a time. And by the time you've taken a sip of the cool and refreshing Diet Pepsi, you are instantly sated. So refreshed and relieved by the Diet Pepsi are you, that you've forgotten that milliseconds ago, you were Mad as Hell and Not Going to Take It Anymore!

And you set the slightly less full can of Diet Pepsi down on the table, next to the empty can.

And so the cycle continues. For as long as it takes to drink that second Diet Pepsi. Until you've managed to drink every drop in the second can. But you're forgetful. And you write, and go to get a drink of Diet Pepsi.

And there's nothing in the first can. Anger and resentment follow. You pick up the second can.

Stupid, impotent, yet, all-encompassing rage hits you like a mallet. You've managed to trick yourself! Not Once! Oh no!

You've tricked yourself twice! (Or as my close, personal friend Flannery O'Connor once wrote: Twicet)

That's the kind of day today's been.