Chief

I call people "Chief."

I don't know exactly where I picked up the habit. It was sometime before (but not too long before) Letterman had a couple of segment called "Stop Calling Me Chief," in which a Late Show staffer would talk to people, and call them "chief" until they asked him to stop.

But I call people "chief." Strangers, mostly. I've never been asked to stop.

Hey Chief, how's it goin?

Hey Chief, can you tell me where the toilets are?

Thanks, Chief.

I'll call people I know "chief," too. It's kind of a catch-all in that way, I guess. Mostly I use it in greeting. To break the ice. I don't often whip out a "chief" in the middle of a conversation, unless I'm using it to get their attention.

For people I know, sometimes I'll reserve a special title. A specific title isn't necessarily reserved for a specific person. But I'll generally call someone I know a different title. Doctor, is one that's come up lately. Also (in the order I most use them): Captain, General, Admiral, Colonel, and Professor (reserved for the special occasions).

I have also tried: Ambassador, Lieutenant and Commander, but none of them have that ring that I listen for. None of them rolls off the tongue.

Mostly I call people "chief."

One time, I was afraid it had gotten me into trouble. I was at the convenience store buying the gasoline and a cold and tasty cold drink, and I paid, and I ended the transaction by telling the fellow behind the counter "Thanks, Chief."

As I turned away, I realized I may have accidentally used an impolite phrase. The man behind the counter was of the Asian Indian persuasion. Such a phrase might have been used in an insulting kind of way, taking the Indian thing a step further. I hadn't intended to insult.

Either he didn't notice, or he decided not to call me on it. I was kind of thankful that another customer had drawn his attention by their possible attempts to steal beer.

It was the closest I ever came to somebody telling me "Stop Calling Me Chief."

I call people "chief."

Don't know why.

The incident at the Kwik Sak didn't cure me of it.

I also call people "boss," sometimes. Usually the people I supervised. I like irony. (Except that it wouldn't have been ironic, really, unless one of those I'd supervised became my boss. Stupid Tibor.)

One time, one of the people I was supervising called me "Skid Row" in greeting.

I killed him for it.

No I didn't.

But he's still breathing through a machine. He'll never call anybody Skid Row again.

I call people "chief."

Just because.

Maybe it's testament to just how lazy I truly am. I see you. I know you. But I'm just too self-involved and friggin' lazy to think up your name. I've got those neurons firing on some other brainial activity. Listing all the WWF Intercontinental Champions. Too busy to think up your name, chief.

Actually, sometimes it takes me a second. I'm not bad with names. I'm just not quick with them.

And usually, how much do you use a person's name when you're talking to them?

Hey John How are You John I sure do like pudding John.

So, chief is a way of mixing things up.

I call people chief.

And I think you should, too. I think it would unite us, as a people. Heal this nasty wound left by the election season. I would respect both candidates, once they sort this whole mess out, if they said something like this:

"Chief, I'm sorry for that whole mess."

"That's alright, Chief. Don't ponder on it no more. 'tweren't nuthin...."

And then they would smile and laugh and the frame would freeze, and the credits would roll.

And then Roadblock would teach us about not touch live wires.

Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle, chief.