Your Horoscope

Your Horoscope

I've been pondering the stars:

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Things will happen in threes, for you today. Everything. Everything that happens to you one time, will happen to you again, two more times. Everything will happen thrice. Whether it's a compliment from a co-worker, an interesting piece of personal news, or a punch in the face from a clown.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)

Today, you will sneeze, and when you sneeze, you will fart at the same time. It will be an audible fart, so be warned. In fact, it may be the loudest fart you've ever let in your life. But don't worry. After you break wind, look around frantically and scream at the top of your lungs "Somebody catch that duck!" Everyone will be so wowed by your wit that they'll forget that you just pooted in their presence.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In the tradition of your astrological sign, the ram, you should resolve any and all conflicts today with a headbutting contest. You'll win. Trust me. Argument with the spouse? Disagreement on where to go for lunch? Boss tell you you're fired? You will also be able to use your headbutting powers to thwart crimes. Really. You'll be so powerful, you'll be able to stop a moving car with a headbutt. I'm serious.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You will receive a visit from the spirit of deceased pro wrestling announcer Gordon Solie. He will be trying to bum a cigarette. Don't give him one. Later, you will be visited by the spirit of Lucille Ball. She will also be trying to bum a cigarette. It would be best to give her one, but make sure you have a light, as well, or she'll haunt you all your days.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Things will happen in threes, for you today. Everything. Everything that happens to you one time, will happen to you again, two more times. Everything will happen thrice. Whether it's a compliment from a co-worker, an interesting piece of personal news, or a punch in the face from a clown.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Today is the day that you set a world record. I bet that you can break the world record for eating Mayonnaise. I bet you can. I have a lot of money riding on this. Seriously. You have to come through for me. These guys are gonna break my legs......

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Does it worry you that your astrological sign has the same name as a terminal illness?

It should. You really need to see a doctor. Now.

Leo (June 21-July 22)

Your lucky number today is 27. You should remember that there are 27 books in the New Testament in the Bible, and 39 in the Old Testament. An easy way to remember this is that 3 times 9 is 27. You should read John?s second epistle to the Corinthians, but read the whole thing out loud with an Australian accent. When you do that, John Madden will appear (Madden Cruiser and all) and grant you three wishes (ixnay on the wishing for more wishes).

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Today, you are allowed one free feel off of any person you choose. All you have to do is show proof of your date of birth. They are not allowed to retaliate, unless they are a Virgo themselves. If you feel up a fellow Virgo, you will lose everything you own to them.

Also: Don't try to do it twice, thinking that the person you feel up won't know that you already used up your free feel. God will know. He'll make your genitals will shrivel up like the Wicked Witch of the East's feet after Dorothy crushes her with her house.....

Libra (September 23-October 23)

Today, you will be torn to shreds and eaten by zombies.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

Things will happen in threes, for you today. Everything. Everything that happens to you one time, will happen to you again, two more times. Everything will happen thrice. Whether it-s a compliment from a co-worker, an interesting piece of personal news, or a punch in the face from a clown.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

If you're going to start that barbershop quartet, this is the time to do it. You and your new barbershop quartet will be discovered Thursday singing out in front of the courthouse. A record producer will wander by, sign you on the spot to a multi-album, multi-million dollar deal. You need at least a day to practice, so get cracking....

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You live under a bad sign, my friend. Sagittarius is the most difficult of all the astrological signs to spell, and thus, all things come not easily to you. You will work hard to master something, and go through many trials and tribulations to get to your ultimate goal. Fear not, because you will meet your ultimate goal, but find upon reaching it, that there are much easier, flashy and effective ways of accomplishing those goals. Kind of like mastering archery, only to find we've had firearms for a couple or three centuries now.

You will be laughed at for you pig-headedness. Also, you?re gonna get spaghetti sauce all over that nice new dress you bought. And then you?ll be hit by a bus.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Here's what you do. Everything that Billy Crystal and Christopher Guest do in their SNL sketch where the two guys discuss painful things they do (nail file area between fingers and pour tabasco in the wound, and whatnot). You have to do everything they mention in one of those sketches. In succession. If you get all the way through without shedding a tear, then you'll have my eternal, undying respect. I'll never come to your house to borrow money.