Veeps

Veeps

Here now, my list of my favorite Vice President Names

(Note, not my favorite V.P.'s, necessarily. These are just the names that amuse me most).

7. Millard Fillmore

I almost didn't include him on the list, since he was also President. But I had to include him, because I can't picture him in my head without seeing him as a giant duck.

He's also my favorite Comptroller of the State of New York ever.

6. Dan Quayle

I like his full name, James Danforth Quayle III. He always sounded like the villain in a Steven Seagal or a Jean Claude Van Damme movie. I've always wanted to meet somebody named "Danforth." I tend to think your first instinct if your name is Danforth is to take their coat. Danforth is a butler's name.

5. Alben Barkley

I just like the way those two words fit together. I've also never met anybody named "Alben." For some reason, Alben Barkley sounds like somebody James Bond would fight. Do all Veeps have movie villain names? Only the best ones.

4. Hannibal Hamlin

I'm a fool for alliteration. Among other things.

I'm a child of the 80's, so I picture a cigar-chomping, glove wearing George Peppard, perhaps flanked by B.A. Barracus and the Faceman, presiding over the Civil War era Senate. And I know that he would end each legislative session by saying "I love it when a plan comes together."

3. Richard Johnson

The high school freshman in me loves Martin Van Buren's Vice President. Up in heaven, I'd say he's probably pretty glad he lived when he did. If he were alive today, I don't think he'd go a day without somebody referring to him as "Big Dick Johnson."

2. Spiro T. Agnew

I've always felt like Spiro Agnew's name sounded like a disease. Perhaps of the foot. In an alternate universe, there is a place where Tricky Dick Nixon (another good name) and Spiro Agnew were universally popular. Spiro went on to a popular and effective presidency of his own. And in that universe, there are tens upon thousands of 20-and 30-somethings named "Spiro."

Interestingly enough, in that universe, they have flying cars. But the only food available is a flavorless root mush. The living envy the dead.

1. Hubert H. Humphrey

There's that alliteration thing again. He's got an extra "H." that we all say. I mean, you can't say the name "Hubert Humphrey" without putting in that H. I mean, that middle H? It's like going home, brother, after fighting the war. You and Carl Weathers.

I'm going to name my first born Hubert. Just so I can wait till the little bugger's old enough to do chores, and I can stick my balding, five o'clock shadow having, slightly drunken head out of the door of my subdivision house (the one where the neighbor's house is literally close enough that you can touch it) and yell "Hyooburrt! You cut the lawn before I bust yer ass!"

And one day, he'll get sick of my sass, leave home, work his fingers to the bone, rise through hard work, make contacts, and become president, all to spite my belief that "Hard Work's for Suckers."

And then my plan will come to fruition. And we'll be able to have a President named Hubert.

Because the Presidential names aren't nearly as entertaining. I mean, Millard Fillmore's at the top of that list, and he's only seven on this one. SEVEN.

There. I've said it.

Now, I think I'll go find out where to pick up applications to be Pope. I'm willing to travel and relocate, but I need to see how flexible they are on that "Working on Sunday," thing.