Monkey
Monkey
From the file of things I think in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
I would like a monkey.
A few criteria:
1.) The monkey must be small enough to sit on my shoulder. Which isn't prohibitive. I'm a big guy. So a decent sized monkey isn't out of the question. But I'm not stout enough to walk around with a 20 pound howler monkey on my shoulder for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm thinking something like a capuchin monkey. I'd skew towards the smaller side of the bracket, if I had my druthers, because this is an all-day job....
2.) The monkey must be toilet trained. This is important, especially if the first point on my list is to be. I would prefer my shoulder monkey to be able to distiguish just when the appropriate time to take a dump is. Actually, I would prefer my shoulder-sitting-monkey to not become a shoulder-shitting-monkey. So if my monkey does not poop on me while sitting on my shoulder, we'll be cool. Any other time? That's probably alright.
3.) I would like the monkey to have a superior sense of rhythm. Because I think it would be very entertaining to see the monkey clap along, or even dance with something that has a beat.
4.) I would like the monkey to be able to understand and execute the small commands I give him. I would like him to understand that if I say "Monkey! Beer!" the monkey would know to run to the fridge and get me beer. Furthermore, if there were something up high on a shelf or above a cabinet, I would like the monkey (who is spry) to be able to go to the top of the cabinet, and grab what I need, and bring it to me.
5.) As an addendum to #4, I would like the monkey to be able to exact revenge upon my enemies and detractors. If I've received injustice at the hands of somebody, I would simply look to the monkey on my shoulder and say "Monkey! Vengeance!"
6.) As an addendum to #5, I would like the monkey to understand the difference between the words "detractors" and "the tractors," because there is nothing sadder or more train-wreck interesting than watching a monkey bludgeon himself to death trying to whup the hell out of a John Deere tractor. In that late monkey's defense, I probably should have been a little less vague when I said "Vengeance on Detractors!"
7.) I would like the monkey to come with TiVo.
8.) I would like the monkey to be able to do things like "high five." Because sometimes I say something really funny or witty, but there's nobody around to hear it. I would like to have the monkey there when I come up with a witticism muttered under my breath like "She's the idiot" to high five me. To let me know that I am, indeed, the man.
9.) I would like the monkey to be able to ride the back of a dog like a man would ride a horse. Because that's hilarious.
10.) I would like the monkey to refrain from touching himself in his private areas while he is sitting on my shoulder. I would like the monkey to understand that there is a time and a place for everything. And anytime he is on my shoulder would be considered "improper."
11.) I would like the monkey to choose his name from one of the Marx Brothers, or any of the Three Stooges, with the exception of Joe. Because I already have a friend named Joe. I am somewhat uncomfortable with Harpo, because it's Oprah backwards. But if he has a strong enough personality to overcome the association in my mind, it'd be cool.
From the file of things I think in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.
I would like a monkey.
A few criteria:
1.) The monkey must be small enough to sit on my shoulder. Which isn't prohibitive. I'm a big guy. So a decent sized monkey isn't out of the question. But I'm not stout enough to walk around with a 20 pound howler monkey on my shoulder for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm thinking something like a capuchin monkey. I'd skew towards the smaller side of the bracket, if I had my druthers, because this is an all-day job....
2.) The monkey must be toilet trained. This is important, especially if the first point on my list is to be. I would prefer my shoulder monkey to be able to distiguish just when the appropriate time to take a dump is. Actually, I would prefer my shoulder-sitting-monkey to not become a shoulder-shitting-monkey. So if my monkey does not poop on me while sitting on my shoulder, we'll be cool. Any other time? That's probably alright.
3.) I would like the monkey to have a superior sense of rhythm. Because I think it would be very entertaining to see the monkey clap along, or even dance with something that has a beat.
4.) I would like the monkey to be able to understand and execute the small commands I give him. I would like him to understand that if I say "Monkey! Beer!" the monkey would know to run to the fridge and get me beer. Furthermore, if there were something up high on a shelf or above a cabinet, I would like the monkey (who is spry) to be able to go to the top of the cabinet, and grab what I need, and bring it to me.
5.) As an addendum to #4, I would like the monkey to be able to exact revenge upon my enemies and detractors. If I've received injustice at the hands of somebody, I would simply look to the monkey on my shoulder and say "Monkey! Vengeance!"
6.) As an addendum to #5, I would like the monkey to understand the difference between the words "detractors" and "the tractors," because there is nothing sadder or more train-wreck interesting than watching a monkey bludgeon himself to death trying to whup the hell out of a John Deere tractor. In that late monkey's defense, I probably should have been a little less vague when I said "Vengeance on Detractors!"
7.) I would like the monkey to come with TiVo.
8.) I would like the monkey to be able to do things like "high five." Because sometimes I say something really funny or witty, but there's nobody around to hear it. I would like to have the monkey there when I come up with a witticism muttered under my breath like "She's the idiot" to high five me. To let me know that I am, indeed, the man.
9.) I would like the monkey to be able to ride the back of a dog like a man would ride a horse. Because that's hilarious.
10.) I would like the monkey to refrain from touching himself in his private areas while he is sitting on my shoulder. I would like the monkey to understand that there is a time and a place for everything. And anytime he is on my shoulder would be considered "improper."
11.) I would like the monkey to choose his name from one of the Marx Brothers, or any of the Three Stooges, with the exception of Joe. Because I already have a friend named Joe. I am somewhat uncomfortable with Harpo, because it's Oprah backwards. But if he has a strong enough personality to overcome the association in my mind, it'd be cool.
posted by Tommy at
10:25
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