Tommy Trivia

Tommy Trivia

I have an irrational, unconditional love of kettle cooked potato chips.

It's not one of those things where I'm constantly eating them. I can go several days, even weeks or months, without eating them.

But if I get an urge for them, I have to have them. I will search high and low until I find them, too. Sometimes, they are not so easy to find. Why my store does not stock them always, I do not know. But they don't. I tend to think of this as mounting evidence of God's vendetta against me.

Most times, I can find them, though. When I do, I can eat an entire bag of them without batting an eye.

I don't realize it. I sit down with a full bag of kettle chips. And then before the third act of the very poignant episode of Head of the Class, I realize that I've managed to stuff 9 ounces of kettle chips down my maw.

I will eat that many even if they're not mine. If I come over to your house, and you offer me kettle chips, and if you don't want me to eat the whole bag, you'll have to take the bag from me. You may have to stun me, or perhaps startle me with a bright light, or distract me with the theme to "Dukes of Hazzard," in order to get the bag from my grip. I've got strong hands, and a deep and true love of kettle chips. But you have to get them from me. Otherwise, I'll eat them all.

What's worse, I may keep coming back to your house, looking for kettle chips. I'm like a bear, that way. If I've come to recognize your house as a source of sustenance (in kettle chip form), I'll keep coming back.

And you'll have a conversation like this:

"Maude? Who's at the door?"

"It's Tommy, and he wants kettle chips."

"He wants what?"

"Kettle chips. He keeps asking if we have any kettle chips."

"Tell him to go home."

"I did. He won't go. He's having some kind of fit, kinda like Rain Man when he can't watch People's Court."

"Dammit, I'm watching Guiding Light. Where's my machete? I'll chop that man to death...."

I love kettle chips.

I once destroyed a Hess gas station in South Carolina because they didn't have any kettle chips. I tend to think that's why there aren't any Hess stations near my house. Because they don't carry kettle chips, and the loss they might incur from the resulting destruction (caused by yours, truly) would be greater than any monetary gain they could get from the sale of gasoline.

And you've seen the price of gas, right? They make billions of dollars selling gasoline.

That's just how much I love those crispity crunchity chips. That a billion dollar company cannot compete with the destruction I would rain down upon them because they do not carry kettle chips. They just choose not to come anyplace near me.

You think it'd be easier just to find a vendor that sells kettle chips.

I tried the Lay's foray into the kettle chip arena tonight.

I find them a touch salty, and a little greasier than I generally like my kettle chips. But they are crispy, and the salt doesn't overwhelm the spud taste. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give Lay's a solid 6, with a 7 not out of the question. Definitely edible.