Saturday, August 18, 2007

Saturday Morning Re Run

Saturday Morning Re Run

I'm writing other junk. It's flowing free and easy. Kidneys, brains. What's the difference?

So here. A few lies, originally posted in August of 2004.

A few lies

From 1991-1993, my father served as the Gorton's Fisherman.

I won the silver medal in the 10 meter platform diving in the 1988 Summer Olympics.

A group of walruses (walri) is referred to as a "cretch."

The digestive system of a baby human defies the laws of thermodynamics.

I got into a fight with Chuck Norris outside a Wings Beach Store in Myrtle Beach, SC.

There is no word in Russian for "pre game warmup." There are 119 for "hangover."

Over a short distance, I can outrun a horse.

The bulk of Bill Gates' fortune is tied up in stock. However, roughly 70% of his liquid assets can be found in collectible Oreo Cookie Christmas tins.

There are actually only 24 letters in our alphabet.

The pinnacle of human artistic achievement is the film Ernest Goes to Camp.

I have written 117 novels under various pseudonyms. (I am J.K. Rowling).

My sister has a 98 m.p.h. fastball, but no control.

The movie Mystic Pizza is a thinly veiled allegory of Harry Truman's presidency.

Celery, if you think about it, is meat.

Julia Roberts can't speak English. She is actually from a small, undiscovered land in Eastern Europe, and does all her English-speaking roles phonetically.

My uncle invented a car that runs on onions.

The National Anthem of Bulgaria is "Ice Ice Baby."

When we die, we become cats.

Your life isn't complete until you have a phone that can take pictures.

The scene in It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, where Jonathan Winters destroys the gas station? That was real. He got mad when somebody took a picture of him taking a dump.

The economy is controlled by Florence Henderson.

The first season of M*A*S*H was filmed in my grandparents' basement.

There is actually no such word as "diminutive."

The computer games Solitaire, Spider Solitaire and Freecell have been outlawed by the Catholic Church.

Japan is actually a small town just north of Los Angeles.

Everything depicted in Marvel Comic Books from 1962-1975 actually happened.

The Vikings invented the wheel. They also invented the concept of happiness, Pasta, Water, the written language and the nuclear bomb.

I have three nostrils.

Mickey Rooney is the only surviving hobbit.

My dog knows how to fly a helicopter.

Elvis actually died in 1991, of a heart attack. He is buried outside of Helena, Montana, under the name Eugene Fitzhugh.

Akron, Ohio, was destroyed by Marlon Brando, in 1980.

The first cameras actually did steal your soul. Technology has since been improved.

My middle name is Chantelle.

Ty Cobb was called The Georgia Peach, because he was fuzzy, and grew on a tree.

The only organs you really need are a stomach, one lung and a poopchute.

It is illegal in Tennessee to refer to it as a poopchute.

I was birthed when Corey Feldman spilled water on Gizmo. I'm what happens when the mowgwi eat after midnight.

It is impossible to slap the taste out of Ronald McDonald's mouth.

Kangaroos are stuffed with polyester.

Ernest Hemingway invented the suplex. He was the original Human Suplex Machine.

Blond hair is technically impossible.

Porcupines are born with little tiny wings.

Susan B. Anthony invented ice cream.

Brussel Sprouts are good for you.


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