Monday, May 19, 2008

In which I want to assassinate ESPN

In which I want to assassinate ESPN

Dear ESPN,

I do not watch baseball to watch announcers Steve "Horrible Failure of a GM" Phillips or Orel "alright pitcher, horrible announcer" Hershiser. I watch it a.) because I like the game of baseball, and b.) I care particularly about the Chicago Cubs, and would like to take advantage of an evening off to actually see a game in its entirety (possibly my first such game since I was on vacation a friggin' month ago).

I have been a baseball fan for 26 years now.

As galling as that number is, I say that to say this: This technical discussion about how tightly to hold a baseball in the bottom of the fifth inning of the Cubs/Astros game is neither enlightening nor interesting.

Please cater to the fans who actually care about the progress of the game, and quit pandering to the short-attention-span theater that the media has created, yet feels the need to pander to.

Baseball's done fine for 130 years without you working to make it more interesting.

Also, I do not like the punny title of Orel Hershiser's segment here: "The Orel Report."

I hate puns.

It's not all bad, though. Thank you for not having Joe Morgan broadcast this game. I would rather have syphilis rubbed into my eyes, ears and mucus membranes than listen to that big stupid bag of ignorant ego call the game.

Joe Morgan and Puns are right around the same level of "despicable" in my book.

So, kudos on that, having no Joe Morgan on my TeeVee.

Anyway, thank you ESPN. I will leave some Little Debbies and milk by the chimney, and some carrots for your reindeer.


Addendum: Jerry notes that I should just hit the mute button. It's a well intended jab at your big stupid pal, but it won't work. ESPN, instead of showing actual game, opts to focus their cameras on Thorne, Phillip and Hershiser until something of import happens. Unfortunately, the producers of ESPN move a little slower than the speed of Life. We saw at least one out and maybe two on a replay, because Hershiser was too busy pontificating on the fine points of how little leaguers shouldn't be throwing breaking pitches that early in their development....


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