Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Review: Pumpkin Smoothie

A few weeks ago, while making my twice-yearly trip to the Wal (hyphen) Mart to buy the motor oil I use in the truck, I wandered past an endcap display with blenders.

Now, mind you, I'd been looking at blenders.  Pricing.  Reading reviews.  Believe it or not, your old pal Tommy is something of a good comparison shopper.  I know how to do my research, even if such research ends with my deciding "I don't need no fucking blender."

Well, apparently, that sentiment goes out the window when faced by the low, low price afforded by paying employees the minimum wage and benefit packages allowed by law is staring me right in the face.

I ain't proud, but it is what it is.  I am tempted by low prices, and by catchy names.


My blender isn't the best of the lot, but for the price offered, and the amount I'm actually looking to use the thing (which will eventually come to be once a day for the first week, thrice a week the next, twice a week the next three weeks, and then only when it snows 2.5 inches in my neck of the woods and I've cultivated non-yellow snow to make Snow Cream).

So.  Fair to middling blender with an AWESOME name.  Low, low price.

Anyway.  I've used it more than I'd have thought.  Lots of smoothies.  Fruit.  Some veggies.  Lots of kale.  

I'm not sold on all the health benefits those who tout kale as the second coming of Vegetable Jesus, but I find it tasty, and a fine source of fiber.

"Very fine," Tommy says, as he nods and winks at the computer screen, now his conspirator.

Anyway.  In researching smoothie recipes online I ran across pumpkin smoothies.

Pumpkin smoothies, I say to myself, sound delicious.  And perfect for me!  I'm as white as a rumble between the Ku Klux Klan and the cast of the Andy Griffith Show in a snowstorm, so you know I'm all about the pumpkin flavored stuff.  Pumpkin coffee.  Pumpkin cake.  Pumpkin hamburger.  Pumpkin beer.  Pumpkin band aids.  Pumpkin apples.  Pumpkin Pierogi.  I'm there.

So.  I used a recipe that looked good, being that it was the first I came to when I googled Pumpkin Smoothie.

I am sad to report that it was something of a failure.

In fact, I struggle to find the words to describe this concoction.

Monstrous.  Vile.  Evil.  Loathsome.  Despicable.  Disgusting.  Tumor.

I know tumor is not an adjective.  But I imagine that the resulting sludge is probably what you'd find on the inside of most tumors.  

That's right campers.  When you make that recipe?  You're making cancer.  And then you're drinking it.

My attempt at this smoothie resulted in a glass of puss-colored foulness that I believe would be more appropriately used in Hell giving enemas to genocidal maniacs.

Of course, I should note that I didn't have Pumpkin Pie Spice.  I had ginger and nutmeg, and a little cinnamon.

Maybe I should have used a little more cinnamon.


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