Thursday, October 02, 2014

Optimus Prime vs. Donatello

Tonight, while he was pooping, my nephew yelled from the bathroom whether it would be better to be Donatello or Optimus Prime?

Now, I suppose the first thing I should mention is that my nephew is 4.  It's not like I've got a 31-year-old nephew who's yelling things down the hall while crapping.  My nephew is 4, and hasn't yet discovered joys of quiet contemplation during defecation.

Being that he's 4, and he's not yet been beaten down by life, he believes in magic, that pro wrestling and Santa Claus are real, and that Optimus Prime and Donatello are both somebody that you can call on the telephone, if you have the right connections.

I don't want to be the guy to go up the hallway of my sister's house to rip him out of the absurd bit of speculation.  I don't want to destroy the little guy's self esteem by laughing at the ridiculous notion that being Donetello, either the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, or he of the name Donato di Niccolo de Betto Bardi, would compare competitively at all with being the leader of the Autobots.

Look.  Being an irradiated superhero with ninja training is awesome.  I'm sure.  

Likewise, being the premiere worker in bas-relief, and one of the most sought after artists for commission of his time has to have some perks.

But can either of them transform into a transfer truck?

Does either of them hold the Matrix of Leadership?

Is either of them voiced by Peter Cullen?

Look, when I come into my fortune, I'm going to pay Peter Cullen to be my friend as Optimus Prime, just so I can call him and ask his opinion on things.  Optimus?  You think the Cubs are looking to contend in 2015?  You think I should just toss all these jean shorts, or will they come back into fashion?  Which thoughts exactly, Prime, kept me out of the really good schools?

Look at it this way.  In a fair fight, Optimus would wipe the floor with either one of them.

Look at it another way.  If both Donatellos teamed up to fight Optimus Prime, it would still be a very short fight.

That's my philosophy, in life.  When choosing between to things, simply set them alongside one another, and imagine them fighting to the death.  It's how I chose my favorite grandmother.

There's just not much that can whip Optimus Prime in a fight to the death.

You might argue Megatron, or perhaps Bludgeon.  Maybe Godzilla, or Shaquille O'Neal, if Lemon Demon is to be believed.

However, in this life?  There is little that can beat Optimus Prime.

I know, because in 1993, Optimus Prime killed my brother in just such a contest.  And my brother was a bad fucking ass, man.  The baddest I knew, up until that point.

Once, five or six years ago, Prime challenged me to a fight drunk on memory and sour energon.

I did not fight him.

Is it cooler to be Optimus Prime or Big Stupid Tommy?

Optimus Prime.  Of course.


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