And now the moment you've been waiting for:

Here are the top ten movies man has yet made. In all of history.

In descending order:

10. Transformers: the Movie

Dude...Optimus Prime Dies! I saw this with Tregg Kirkland, Linsey Chesnutt and Browdy Fain at the Plaza Twin in Athens, TN. It was a Tuesday night. We were the only people in the theater. It's great because they say "shit" in it. Once. And when they first put it on video, they edited it out.

9. Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment

The part where Jones is making noises in the restaurant is classic. And Bubba Smith makes a bear sound. There's the part where Vinny Schtumann eats a candy bar he finds in the trash can. And when they subject Mauser ("M as in Man, A, U, S as im Sam.....E, R sir.) to a body cavity search. It's probably the most formative movie in my life.

8. Four Weddings and a Funeral

I mean seriously: What the Hell is going on in this movie? There's Andie MacDowell and Hugh Grant, and somebody dies and they talk about doing the deed. But I just don't understand any of it. It makes me feel all funny. And I cry, and cry, and cry. What is going on? I don't understand my emotions! It's funny, but it's also so sad. The guy dies!

7. The Thirteenth Warrior

This is probably the sweatiest movie of all time. It has all the elements of a great movie: Vikings, Cannibals and a lone Muslim who gets Urine rubbed on him when he gets hurt. The movie stirs something visceral within me. After I watch it, I usually go outside, pee against a tree and eat a chicken.

6. Best of the Best

Absolutely the best Bad Karate movie of all time. It stars two siblings of Hollywood's elite. Eric Roberts plays Alexander Grady, and he's from Portland, Oregon!!!! And then there's Sean Penn's little (but much bigger) brother, Chris Penn!!!!! He plays Travis Ripley, and he's an asshole (I identify most with Travis). He calls the Oriental Guy Yellow! He says "Drop him like a toilet seat!" And there's a character named Sonny Grazo, who has to explain twice that he's Italian. Add James Earl Jones and Sally Kirkland to the Mix, as well as a bad guy with an eyepatch....It's wonderful. Once Bill started watching when he wondered aloud if the main character was going to kill the bad guy, and James Earl Jones says "No!"

5. Suburban Commando

Starring Terry "Hulk" Hogan and Christopher Lloyd. Hulk Hogan is Ramsey, and he's an intergalactic bounty hunter, who has become the hunted! Little known fact: The Undertaker plays one of the bad guys chasing after Ramsey. At the climactic chase, The Undertaker's character, who has remained silent the whole film, warns: "You're a Dead Man, Ramsey!" But his voice has been dubbed in by a little child. Believe me. Hilarious. Quit looking at me that way.

4. Ernest Saves Christmas

There's a part where Ernest tries sneaking into a movie lot by disguising himself as a snake handler. And it's funny. And the guy who replaces Santa can't bring himself to say Son of a Bitch. I guess I'll never be Santa.

3. Beavis and Butthead do America

David Letterman does the voice of the guy who's supposed to be Butthead's dad. He's credited as Earl Hoffert. But that's Dave's movie name. He used the name in Cabin Boy, too. It's also got one of the finest bits of comic timing when Beavis and Butthead wake up, and try to figure out where their television is. Butthead goes from broken window to footprints on the floor to missing television. And he does this like four times, going "Hmmm."
And for line: "Yes, is this a God Dam?"

2. DefCon 4

Absolutely the scariest movie of all time. So scary, that I've never seen it. Bill told me it was scary, and if it scares Bill, it would kill me. It's the second greatest movie of all time.

And the Greatest Movie of All Time is:

1. Superman 3

Richard Pryor trying to figure out how to shove both keys into their respective locks at the same time. Superman drunk in a bar, flipping peanuts at the mirror and shattering it. The subtle love story between Richard Pryor and Margot Kidder. It's really, really good. 2 Stars!