Festivus/Gift Wrapping

I celebrated Festivus back during the Volunteer Tailgate Party. But a couple of grievances for friends:

Julie: How can you not like Peyton Manning? He's from Tennessee!!!

Jason: Dude, I'm like one of your belches away from clubbering you to death with my shoe.

Steven: All that reading. Whaddaya think, yer bettern than me?

Diane: How could you call me Ed?

Shyam: Why haven't you called me Ed?

Bill: Where do I start? I don't really talk like that.....

The Guys at Work: Just let me read my damn book. Jeebus!

Big Ed: I have no grievances with you, whatsoever, sir.

Got the gift wrapping done this morning. I did well. In celebration, I drank the Cran-Grape juice I've been hiding under the sink, letting it ferment since April of 2001.

Wrapping presents is difficult for me. I guess I'm not "detail oriented" enough. Where's the tape? Oh! Here it is, under me. Where are the scissors? In the middle of the phone book? Completely logical. I have two rolls of red paper, and a seven inch square of the dogs with santa hats. Well shit. I've lost the tape again. You can see through the red paper, if you hold it up to the light. Scissors are sharp. Tape?

I managed to short-sheet only one box this year. You know, where you mis-measure, and when you bring the paper around it's about an inch from meeting.

But that's done.

Will somebody come pick up the little shards of paper that are left over?