If I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner

If I Were an Oscar Meyer Weiner

If I were an Oscar Meyer weiner, I'd probably have to live in some manner of specialized housing. With coolers. I mean, I'm 27 years old. I'd tend to think even my Oscar Meyer-y weiner-y goodness would have long since spoiled, or at the very least, mummified, in those 27 years. So I'd have to have some refrigeration to keep me from going bad.

And also some manner of protection against animals. I'm sure that if I had been an Oscar Meyer Weiner, and had learned one thing in my life, it's that dogs love hot dogs. Unless I had some manner of bubble, or perhaps a heavy duty ziploc bag, to protect me, I'd be torn to shreds. Probably before I even entered grade school.

"Dogs Rip Weiner Boy to Shreds"

That would be the headline. But I don't think there would be any backlash against the dogs in this case. I tend to think it would be funny if the dogs in question were poodles.

"Poodles Rip Weiner Boy to Shreds"

Or maybe Chihuahuas. Because if we need breed specific legislation it should be against chihuahuas.

"Chihuahuas Rip Weiner Boy to Shreds"

It would be frontpage news, and it would be sad, and there would be a picture of the hysterical old lady who owned the 17 chihuahuas, and the story would continue on page A14.

Who needs that many chihuahuas?

But my family would probably get free use of the weinermobile, if I were an Oscar Meyer weiner. So they'd probably do whatever they could to keep me safe. Just to keep driving that giant hot dog down the road. I think my Dad would really dig that. Just driving out to the store, to get bread and milk. He wouldn't buy hot dog buns. Because I think that would be tempting the cannibalistic urges.

Lasty, if I were an Oscar Meyer weiner, I'd like to think I'd have an entourage, which would be able to cover up the many, many misdeeds I would participate in, using my fame as an Oscar Meyer weiner to win me favors. I'd say the company would go to great lengths to protect their good name.

"The Oscar Meyer Weiner did what?!?!? At the White House? Well, he eats a lot of chili. I would suggest bleach to get it off, and just tell the President that it was a bad dream....."

Or the Oscar Meyer company would hold my family hostage, to make me do their bidding. Which would be really uncool, but it's the price you'd pay to have your name in the lights.