Grizzly Bears

Bears

Last night I had a grizzly bear loose in my apartment. You heard me.

I was watching the tail end of Last Comic Standing before heading to work. To that end, I was happy to see Kathleen Madigan, Monty Hoffman and Tammy Pescatelli move forward in the game. I found myself rooting for Vladimir, the Russian kid, and was sorry that he didn't likewise move forward. Anybody who starts their set with the deadpan admission "I used to pee myself," I appreciate.

But I was watching Last Comic Standing, and eating a hamburger patty. I made hamburger patties the other morning. Six of them. I didn't eat them all at once. Though I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to. Some, I ate on wheat bread, with cheese. Others, like this one, I ate with a little salt, plain.

So there I was, watching Last Comic Standing, rooting for my favorite comics and their 20-second standup routines, eating my hamburger patty, and drinking Cran-Grape juice (sweetened with Splenda), and this grizzly bear gets loose in my apartment!

A grizzly bear!

I didn't do anything at first. I noticed it as they were going to commercial break. I watched that commercial with the two Sonic guys, the ones that make me so mad. I turned my attention to the grizzly bear, and watched it flit around the room. It would kind of buzz from one corner of the ceiling, to another. It floated over, and investigated the light fixture.

Then its ass lit up! A couple of time. Yeah, that grizzly bear had that whole ass-light-up bioluminescence thing going on, something fierce! It was cool. The grizzly bear's ass would light, that eerie pale, green light, and then blink off, as quickly as it had come on.

I don't know how the bear got it, but I noticed a penny-sized hole in my window screen, and I figure that must have been how.

I got up, trapped the grizzly bear in my hands, walked to the door and let the little feller out back into the wilderness. It floated away into the night, its ass blinking green light at me twice, in what I'd like to call "Grizzly Bear Thanks."

It was awesome.

Update: I did some checking, and it was actually not a grizzly bear that visited me in my apartment. It was a "firefly," or as some in these parts call them, "lightning bug."

I was kind of disappointed.

It was an issue of semantics.