Thursday, January 20, 2005

The French are Rude

The French are Rude

Via Fark and the Weekly World News:

For generations, Parisians have known that the Eiffel Tower is a portal to Hell, and have left unsuspecting tourists prey to Satan's sinister minions who enter our world through a secret trap door under the tower. "People frequently say they leave the tower changed, and they do. The demons sometimes take people back down with them, but more often they suck their souls and leave the bodies to climb back down in a daze and carry out their evil missions," says Jacques Boudreau, visibly shuddering. "Parisians have known about the portal for years....."

Of all the classless things in the world, you don't let people know where your country's portals to Hell are? It seems to me that should be something included in the fine print of your advertisement material. Maybe there should even be an asterisk (or, to my coworkers, an astrix) to denote that Hey! The Eiffel Tower Has a Hell Hole!

Or put a sign up! "Warning! There is a portal to Hell in the Eiffel Tower!"

I wonder if the portal to hell opened when Superman had to save Lois Lane from those terrorists at the beginning of Superman II. On second thought, I would say not, because Superman did take that bomb up into space, where it released General Zod and company.

Anyway, in the interest in making America less like France, I'm going to post a big Hell Hole Warning sign for EVERYBODY.

Folks, we have one portal to Hell in America. Our Hell Hole is hidden well, but like the best hiding places, it's out in the open. It's advertised every October on ESPN and Fox TV. Our portal to Hell in America is called Yankee Stadium. Every year, Satan uses whatever means necessary to draw people to his portal by the millions, so that he can eat their souls.

So. Don't go to Yankee Stadium.

Also, far be it from me to correct the grammar of a reporter from the fine Weekly World News publication...but they say that Jacques Boudreau is visibly shuddering.

As opposed to what? Shuddering invisibly?

I hate it when people shudder invisibly.


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