Peanut Butter Companions

Peanut Butter Companions

Because all this needed saying. And you know it.

Now, the listing of my favorite companions to peanut butter in the esteemed Peanut Butter Sandwich.

1. Banana

I realized that Banana had taken the one spot recently. My grandmother made me peanut butter and banana sandwiches when I was really little. I told her that her sandwiches were "off the chain." Neither of us knew what I was talking about. She punched me in the mouth for taking the Lord's name in vain.

Nevertheless, her pbb sandwiches were good. But not really all that much better than any other peanut butter and banana sandwich you can make today.

I have never eaten a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich. I've considered it. But I don't like Elvis that much.

When I make a PB & B, I slice the bananas into sections about the size of three quarters stacked together. I usually eat two PB & B sandwiches at a time, and if I fit nine slices on a piece of bread, depending on the size of the banana, it'll use most if not all of it.

2. Blackberry Jam

Blackberry Jam frigging rules. If you put it in a taste test vs. Bananas by themselves? Blackberry Jam would win hands down. And Blackberry Jam is close to being at the top of the list. The only problem is that in some black berry jams, there are still seeds and tiny kernels from where they crushed up the blackberries. It kind of throws you off your peanut butter and jam sandwich eating mojo to bite down on one of those tiny seeds.

3. Apple Jelly

Take the paragraph from the previous entry, cut all the references to Blackberry Jam, paste in "apple jelly," and you'll be good. You might want to take all that stuff about blackberry seeds out, too. There aren't any apple seeds in your finer apple jellies. Good thing, too. There are trace levels of cyanide in apple seeds. The G.I. Joe team used apples to stop this big amoeba thing from consuming America, once upon a time, using apples. The cyanide in the apple seeds poisoned the amoeba thing.

4. Raisins

If you do it carefully, you can fit approximately 700 raisins in a single layer of a Peanut Butter and Raisin sandwich. The trick is to put the peanut butter on the bread first, and then put the raisins on the peanut butter. I haven't quite done the math, but peanut butter is stickier than bread, and raisins adhere more easily to it.

I recommend counting your raisins. You might not need 700 raisins, but be careful not to put 144 raisins on your sandwich. That would be gross.

5. Apple Butter

Apple Butter is like crack! The good kind, not the crack of your ass. Seriously, if you distill it down to its essence and smoke it in your Apple Butter Pipe, you have the strength of 2.3 men.

Also, it's pretty good on peanut butter sandwiches, and it lends itself to being able to say "I'm eating a P-Bab (Peanut Butter & Apple Butter) Sandwich

6. Honey

I'd never thought about putting Honey on a Peanut Butter sandwich, until I heard wrestler Bret "the Hitman" Hart talk about eating them during a time away from the WWF. Peanut Butter and Honey is tasty. But the Peanut Butter does something to the honey, so that it doesn't soak into the bread well. So it can get really stick and messy. I do not recommend eating a Peanut Butter and Honey sandwich if you're also cutting hair.

7. Grape Jelly

The old standard. It's tasty, but highly overrated. The Smuckers Lobby has a lot pull in the industry. They've thrown a lot of money around. It's a good product they've got, but they are not the only thing to put on a sandwich.

8. Dill Pickles

You should only eat A Peanut Butter and Dill Pickle Sandwich if:

1. You are high.
2. You are pregnant.
3. In secret, with nobody around to see you. That shit'll get you laughed off the cool table at sixth grade lunchtime quicker than greased owlshit.

9. Marshmallow

I don't like Marshmallows on their own. But on a peanut butter sandwich? Dude, I could eat myself stupid. In fact, in 1996, I did just that, mister! You should beware. Its effects are permanent.

10. Apple Slices

Again, beware of amoeba killing apple seeds. I prefer Rome apples for the task, but cameos and pink ladies are also good for Peanut Butter and Apple sammiches.

11. Cranberry Sauce

Excellent around Thanksgiving. Real, homemade cranberry sauce is best, but the kind that sloops out of the can, holding the can's shape, is good, too. Hell, the canned stuff is more like jelly than anything. Even jelly.


12. Hot Dogs

But only the good brands. Like Nathan's, or maybe Ballpark.
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I'd like to shift gears for a second.

I'm sure that if you've read this far, you've surmised that I've been experimenting for decades with the tableau that is the peanut butter sandwich. In my journeys, I've run across several things that do not belong on a peanut butter sandwich. I list these now, as a service to you.

1. Butter

Don't let anybody tell you different. It tastes like ass. The animal, but also the ass part of the animal.

2. Shortening
3. Beef Jerky
4. Aspirin
5. Tomato Sauce
6. Alternate Peanut Butter

By that, I mean, if you're making a sandwich using creamy peanut butter, don't put Crunchy peanut butter. I don't understand the physics behind it, but when they are put together in a sandwichal environment, small rips are made in the space time continuum.

7. Sheet Music
8. Mushrooms
9. Pizza
10. Chocolate Bars

I have two words for ya: Nell Carter.

Also: Buzz Aldrin.

And: Andrew Johnson

11. Liver Cheese
12. Pork Knowledge
13. Eyes
14. Bacon
15. Stool Softener
16. Raisins
17. Steak
18. Handfuls of Salt
19. Coffee grounds (unused)
20. Coffee grounds (used)
21. Chili
23. Maple Syrup

Perhaps if you're eating between two flapjacks, but not unless.

24. Flintstones Vitamins

Unless you're rarin' for a hospital visit

24. Cheese
25. Orange Marmalade

Paddington's gonna whip your ass.

26. Popcorn
27. Hot Sauce
28. Ramen Noodles
29. Sweet n' Low

In fact, any artificial sweetener's probably a bad idea.

30. Leaves
31. Any Sinus Medicine

See the Peanut Butter or Honey Sandwich, for why.

32. Thai Food
33. Spaghetti
34. Cheerios

Any one of those things will curve your spine should you combine them with peanut butter on a sandwich.

There. It's done.

It's been said. Go in peace.