Lies I have told at work lately....

Lies I have told at work lately...

Some of you know that I help manage a grocery store. It's what you might call "my day job." It's also my night and inbetween job, too. Pays the bills, I reckon, though it's been a particular burden on my time the past four or five months.

Which is not to say that it's all bad. It takes a lot of time, and though I often wish I were out doing other things (today's absolutely BeeYooTeeful day being no exception), I still find ways to entertain myself.

I tell stories. In the vein of Homer Simpson....You might call them lies. I wasn't lying, I was writing fiction with my mouth....

• Solar Powered Car: I told one of the guys working in the deli that I'd made my own solar powered car out of a 1976 Buick Parisienne. I needed the heavy metal frame, which I'd bathed in a special salt water solution, to help transform the solar power into usable car power. Power came from the sun, and was collected from old cookie sheets that had blackened when I made cookies, aluminum foil, and a box of plastic sunglasses that I bought on closeout at the CVS. Power was transferred from the sunglasses to the battery using wire out of a piano I found at the landfill. I wrecked the car during an especially cloudly day, running it into the Hiwassee River. (This was my personal favorite lie, because I made people go up to the kid in the deli, and mention my solar powered car in passing. We've had other store managers in the store the past couple of weeks, and we even got them in on the action....)
• Were-Beast: I turn into a Were-Beast around 10:30, on nights of the full moon. It's not a were-wolf. It's more of a were-bunny or were-squirrel. Definitely a were-rodent. It's not terribly frightening, except when I take to humping things, hoarding food or pissing in corners. It's why I'm off nights of the full moon.
• Bill Cosby: I once got into a headbutting contest with Bill Cosby over the last box of Jell-O Pudding Pops in a freezer display, one night when we were closing. He won, and I bought popsicles instead. This one pretty much explains itself.
• Don't Ask, Don't Tell: I argued for longer than was really necessary with a cashier that buying a box of "Fruity Cheerios" would be a violation of the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.
• Kosher: We had a bagger helping me condition the dairy aisle, and he asked me about some sour cream (or something) that had been labelled "kosher for passover." I explained that if a person of the Jewish faith ate something non-kosher, God would give them a horrible affliction, depending on the year on the calendar. This calendar year's affliction was "rickets."
• Webbed Toes: Another self explanatory one. I bring it up often the fact that I have webbed toes. I blame it on my mother's hillbilly heritage.
• Dannon Water: Every bottle filled personally by my Uncle Dannon from a spring he discovered himself during an attempt to dig a tunnel to Dr. Duck's over in Decatur. He's a millionaire...the problem is, he has no understanding of how money works--my uncle Dannon is the inspiration for the movie Rain Man.

This is how I entertain myself, here lately....