Friday, August 31, 2007

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, volume 812

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, volume 812

Gotta love the insomnia. I mean, what would a day be without a time spent in the middle of the night replaying every conversation you had over the course of the day? I mean, its not enough to have the conversation once. My brain just wants to relive every mundane moment of the day.

I had to type and retype the word "relive" four times. Each time, it appeared on the page as "relieve."

Maybe it's one of those Freudian things. Brain's trying to relieve itself of something. Get me to deal with something I didn't deal with. And to do it, it's gonna keep me up at four in the morning. If it ain't sleeping, ain't nobody sleeping.

Or, I could just be a clumsy-assed typist.

I dunno. It could be one conversation in particular that I forced yesterday.

Here's the Reader's Digest version:

I carried a torch for a girl for a while. For the longest time, nothing came of it. She was engaged to be married when I first knew her, so I didn't mess with pursuing my feelings. Then, she wasn't engaged anymore. It had endly roughly for her, so I still said nothing, and lived my life.

Several months after they broke up, I asked her out. We tried going out a little bit. I told her how I felt, but in the end, it wasn't meant to be. We still talked, because we'd been friends. Then, a few months ago, she stopped talking to me pretty much altogether. I tried to ask what was going on, but never got an answer. My feelings were hurt, but I'd thought I'd let it go.

Then I thought about her yesterday, and called to say hi. And you wonder why I call the site Big Stupid Tommy

That's the conversation I've been replaying. That stupid, awkward shit that I said in that ridiculously brief conversation I had with a person that I haven't even talked to in four months. A person who's had nothing to do with me or my life in that time.

Yep. Been replaying that conversation, which really wasn't a whole lot more involved than "What have you been up to?"

What's bugging me, being awake this time of the night is that there really was nothing between us. We never even got to the "kiss goodnight" portion of the program. It'd be one thing if we had this extended, deep thing going on between us. But we never even made it that even close to that.

At the end of the day (or night, or whatever the fuck it is you call it to wrap up a bullshit post started at 4 in the morning), I can ramble all I want about this thing that never was, but I tend to think my brain's beating me up over not letting things go.

Part of me wants to think it was a missed opportunity. But for once in my life, I think I did everything I could do. The timing was bad, and it most likely was never meant to be in the first place.

Sometimes manning up is just knowing when to leave well enough alone, and finding the balls to move on with your life.

Just wish I could get my brain to realize that.

Or, I could be awake because those Wasabi Peas I ate before bed are giving me bad dreams about rabid dogs in the neighborhood. Why would they wear party hats while they eat the neighbors?

Who knows, for sure?


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