The Great Alpaca Auction of Athens, Tennessee

The Great Alpaca Auction of Athens, Tennessee

There is an auction this Saturday in my home town. I believe a church is holding it, to raise funds for something or other. A new sanctuary, perhaps. Maybe a mission trip. Or a van.

They will be auctioning off four male alpacas.

Among other things.

Baseballs signed by Nolan Ryan. Sweaters. A jeep, I think.

But the Alpacas caught my eye.

I wouldn't even know what to begin to bid for such a thing.

Or what the cost would be after the fact.

Do Alpacas eat grass?

Or do they have more sophisticated tastes? Maybe Alpacas dine only on Raisin Bran Crunch. Which maybe sounds great, because I love Raisin Bran Crunch. Problem is that I'd reckon it would need more than one box a day of Raisin Bran Crunch to keep an Alpaca happy. Those selfish bastards could probably eat several boxes of sweet and crunchy cereal a day, if the mood struck them.

Do Alpacas care if I buy the store brand?

I'd hate to go to the market in Lima, Peru to find that I'm getting 40% less on my investment in Alpaca Fur than if I'd fed my Alpacas name brand cereals.

I dunno. Maybe I could learn to knit my own clothes out of Alpaca fur.

I might.

I could do it.

Don't look at me like that.

I learned to make Chicken Korma didn't I?

I'm not completely ignorant.

Except for that time I burned the Korma because I was playing a video game.

That mess sucked. On so many levels.

That's why I keep the Playstation up in the closet, now.

Because I burn ethnic food.

And because obsessive compulsion doesn't run in the family so much as lead it around like a team of Clydesdales on Meth.

But I digress.

Alpacas?

Do you think they poop like cows, planting steaming Alpaca Patties hither and yon until their heart's content?

Or do they strain and huff and damn near herniate themselves to produce a single dark matter pellet of scat?

I ask, because lately I tend toward the "high-strung" end of the string here, of late. Seriously...my brother-in-law farted at the folks' house a couple weeks back and I threw him through their plate glass window. It sucks being banned from family functions, but I suppose that's neither here nor there, is it?

Anyway, I ask because I'd like a more laidback animal...a cat, maybe. Or perhaps a pig. Or perhaps a bear who had an ample supply of hunny honey and wh truly had his priorities in life in order.

A high strung, pellet-pooping, sweater-machine is cool, and a nice conversation piece, but if it's going to prolapse a colon whenever I sneeze (which is admittedly, worryingly often), I'm not sure that an alpaca and I are truly a match made in heaven.

If I had to choose a place on the high maintenance scale of animals, my perfect animal would lie in the same concentric circles as goldfish and the paper mache giraffe that was in the library of my grade school.

I haven't thought about that giraffe in years. Thank you blogamathing for calling to mind the subject of many, many childhood nightmares.

Anyway.

Two last questions about the alpaca:

1.) Are they similar in disposition to the llama? I have often heard the Alpaca referred to as the Chinaman's Llama, and I'm afraid that the animal is "uppity" as I have come to know the llama. With a tendency to spit, when insulted. Which is often, as I have come to know it.

I need to know the answer to this, because I'd hate to beat something to death after spending several dozen dollars for it.

That, or I need to overcome my disdain for being spat upon.

Then maybe I could also meet Roberto Alomar.

And...

2.) Would I be allowed to keep prolonged contact of the Alpaca's hair to my skin, before I bought? Being able to knit clothes out of my pet is an interesting concept to me, but it would prove ultimately fruitless if I should find out that I had an unforeseen allergy to the hair of my pet.

As a corollary...I would be willing to overcome the allergy if I could knit many pairs of pants, and if the allergy did not including convulsions or vomiting.

I really, really hate throwing up.

I do not want a high-strung, pellet-pooping spitting monster that will make me convulse and throw up.

There's a joke about my sister in here, but I'm afraid she'll beat the shit out of me, so I'll keep that one in the "Just for Tommy" file.

Anyway.

Going to research this sumbitch.

I think I will name my Alpaca "Brak."