Monday, March 23, 2015

In which our hero responds to a Buzzfeed list about food

Just minor thoughts of response to a Buzzfeed list about the 31 Weirdest Foods in America

This list, and my responses.

1.  Olive Loaf

I have tried.  I don't dislike, though I couldn't tell you the last time I had any.

2.  Jell-O Salad

It's not a pot luck in Tennessee unless somebody brings a Jell-O salad.  I think it's state law.  And that being the case, it means it's time to overthrow the current goverment, and violently.

3.  Koolickles

I have heard of these, but I have not tried.  I find myself intrigued.

4.  Chicken and Waffles

A combination that has grown on me.  Yes.

5.  Scrapple

I have tried.  It's not my thing, though if you're eating a sausage patty, you're only eating a differently spiced cousin of Scrapple.  Incidentally, my pilot for Cousin of Scrapple starts shooting next week.  We got Richard Moll, you guys!

6.  Grits

You're not allowed to vote in Tennessee unless you eat a bowl of grits, first.  Seriously, we need to look at the rulebook in this state.

7.  Deep Fried Butter

Though it may surprise you, I have never tried such a thing, nor am I in much of a rush, too.  I'm a little curious, sure.  Who isn't when you're young and out on your own?  But the time for such experimentation is in my past....

8.  Chitterlings

I have tried.  They didn't taste bad, I will admit.  Still, knowledge of what part of the anatomy they are, combined with the troubling texture make these things not something your old pal Tommy hungers for.

9.  Kraft Singles

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that they're good, or good for you.  But I have bought them.  I will buy them again.  Probably in bulk.

10.  Ambrosia Salad

Again, something of a potluck staple on those Sundays after church.  I have eaten.  I would hesitate, given the severe distaste for marshmallows I've developed in the past decade.

11.  Sloppy Joe.

Hells yes I've eaten a sloppy joe.  I've eaten a sloppy joe made out of goat meat.  This last phrase is on my business card.

12.  Pop Tarts

Hells yes I've eaten a Pop Tart, though I didn't get them as a kid.  I think this was due to my mother's severe phobia for the number 11, thus preventing our owning a toaster.

13.  Chicken Fried Steak

Again, Tennessee.  If Tennessee had it's own currency, it would have Chicken Fried Steak on the 5 note.

14.  Tater Tot Casserole

Yes.  I would eat a baking dish full of it now.  You think I won't?  Winner gets the other's car title.  We're doing this.  (No we're not).

15.  Red-Eye Gravy

The lady who took care of me when I was little would feed us Red-Eye Gravy.  In our bottles.

16.  Gumbo

It is the only way I will take my okra.  I realize this bars me from holding office in Tennessee,  We really need to change the Constitution, guys, though I'm really for putting Chicken Fried Steak on the money.  Or perhaps using it as money.

17.  Fry Sauce

Nope.  Not rushing out to find any, but I would try some.

18.  Twinkies

Come on now.  You think I look like I do without eating a Twinkie or three?  I'm not a great fan of the Twinkie, though.  If you're going Hostess, you should go with a Zinger.  Although naming a snack "Ding Dong" is tremendous fun, especially at family gatherings.  Which I don't get invited to, anymore.

19.  Sweet Potato and Marshmallow

Yep.  And what the fuck, America?  Stop it with the marshmallows.  It's like a nation full of gummy joes wandering around needing to mush their foods and enjoy the texture as it plops off your soft palate.

20.  Burgoo

Never even heard of such a mess.  I wouldn't turn it down, though, if somebody were to offer me a spoonful.

21.  Green Bean Casserole

Guys, the State of Tennessee keeps the Hanover Bean Company afloat with how many giant cans of Hanover Green Beans they buy each holiday.  Have I mentioned how much one of those big cans hurts when it falls onto your foot?  I'd have guessed as much, but these things happen when you're building a display of the things.  Note to Hanover:  Round the bottoms of your cans, assholes.

22.  Peeps

Dammit, America.  What is your obsession with peeps?  What folly.  Easter candy in general is firmly planted  in the gutter, what with its emphasis on Peeps, Cadbury Snot Eggs and the broken promise that is the hollow chocolate bunny.  Still, there's some props to be given.  I'd never have thought a marshmallow could be much more disgusting, but then they've decided to add sugary grit to that gooey garbage.

23.  The Doughnut Burger

You know, this gives me pause.  I have not tried.  I like burgers.  I like doughnuts.  I'm just not sure I'd like them together.   I'd try it.  I just don't think I'd like it.

24.  Mayonnaise

What's wrong with mayonnaise?  I mean, it's not like I eat more than a jar of it a week.  Ever meet somebody who made their own mayonnaise?  And I'm not talking about some sick joke, though my mind went there almost immediately.  Seriously, though.  Made their own?  Those people are heroes, guys.  And they're what makes America great.

25.  Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches

I dislike this item's inclusion in the list.  Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches are awesome.  I have tried them fried, but I prefer them plain.  It's the only time I like white bread, too. Though I feel it's as good as time as any to mention that bananas should be sliced like poker chips, on the sandwich.  There is no alternative.   None.

26.  Rocky Mountain Oysters

Yes.  And I knew what they were.  They weren't horrible, though if something's breaded and deep fried, it's almost always good (excepting Okra).  I don't rush out to get them.  I don't order them.  But I've tried.

27.  Cincinnati Chili

Yep.  It's not bad, though I certainly wish the people of Cincinnati weren't so proud of it.

28.  Chicken Gizzards

I have tried them.  I luckily did not inherit my Dad's gene that makes him eat these like he's going to win a prize for it.  If I had a dollar for every time I saw him sharing these treats with the family dog, while I, my sister and Mom looked on, wondering why he'd spent his entire paycheck on chicken gizzards?  He'd probably knock me on my ass, and take that dollar to go buy chicken gizzards.

29.  Pickled Pigs Feet

They're not deplorable, but they're not worth the mess you make of your tuxedo when eating them.

30.  Meat Loaf

I enjoy this food, though not nearly as much as I enjoy the musical stylings of Marvin Aday.  And this is perhaps the truest statement I have made in the 13+ year history of this blogamathing.

31.  The KFC Double Down

I tried it.  It wasn't bad, though the two chicken patties are somewhat unwieldy.  I had to fashion a more adequate handhold by placing the sandwich in between two patties from a Hardee's Monster Burger, and then tying the whole thing together using beef and cheddar from an Arby's Beef and Cheddar.  My heart leapt out of my chest and helped me eat this thing, that's how much I loved it.


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