Wednesday, July 06, 2016

A proposal to the NBA

I don't watch the NBA.  I don't care for the NBA.  I haven't put a lot of thought into why I enjoy college basketball so much, but the NBA so little.  I haven't figured it necessary, and I just let that particular mystery be.

Still, it did not go unnoticed when Kevin Durant left his team in Oklahoma City to sign with the Golden State Warriors earlier this week.

I wasn't completely ignorant of the goings on of this last season, and did find myself some impressed with their regular season record.  It will make next season particularly interesting, to see if Durant's addition to the roster can make them an even better team.  There were folks on ye olde Facebooke wondering if the Warriors could run the table next season.  Win all 82.

It's unlikely as all hell, but the fact that it even pops up into consideration makes you wonder:  is this free agent signing the best for Basketball?

I've seen it written that four of the starters for the Warriors could easily lead a Western Conference All-Star team.  That this may be the best tandem of players ever put together, on paper, on one team, by a large margin.

I don't really have a dog in that hunt--I haven't watched the NBA regularly in at least 15 years, and probably closer to 20.  I watched all of two minutes the past season, that being the final two minutes of the Warriors/Cavaliers Finals Game 7.  I wouldn't know who to compare if I were in a conversation and would probably just smile and say Manute Bol a lot.

That just puts me in a good mood.  Say that out loud.  Wherever you are.

Manute Bol.

Elongate the U in the first name.

Manuuuuuuuuuuute Bol!!!!!!!!


What I'm getting at here is that, on paper, I couldn't argue that such a move would be best for the competitive balance of the league.  If you were an owner of a Western Conference team, I wouldn't begrudge you much at all for hollering.  I mean, sure, everybody likes that Underdog story, but when your team is on the wrong side of that signing, do you like your chances to win the Conference next year?

But let me ask you something.

What if we then gave the Warriors a handicap?

Here's what I propose:

I am offering myself up to the Golden State Warriors, to sign as a Free Agent for the 2016-17 season.

I am 39, and will turn 40 during the next season.

I couldn't tell you the last time I touched a basketball.

I'm 6'3" and heavyset.  I've got a shoulder that hurts when it gets cold outside.  I'm not sure I could run up and down a court more than twice before collapsing into a pile of sweaty laundry.  I hit myself in the nuts with cardboard boxes at work at least 3 times a year.

Mr. Commissioner.  Make the Golden State Warriors sign me.  Make them start me.  Make them play me at least 16 minutes a game.  I'll be the anchor of that team.  In a bad way.

Think of the attraction.  Four of the Greatest Players in the League, and Tommy Acuff!  Can Stephen Curry, Draymond Green, Kevin Durant and Klay Thompson overcome perhaps the biggest lead weight ever put around the necks of an NBA squad?

I'm offering my services, most humbly.  I would play for the absolute minimum salary allowed (which would still be quite the substantial raise, let me tell you!).

I'll send you my resume.


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