A man walks into a bar, and clunks a chunk of asphalt onto the bar. "Gimme a beer," he says, "and another for the road...."

That's the worst joke I've ever heard. It's the only thing that made me smile today.

A couple of people have mentioned to me that the fish guy from the Muppets is named Lew Zealand. Thanks to those of you who entered. You both win. 4.2 million dollars. You'll be paid in 4.2 million equal yearly installments.

People are just assholes. That's the other thing. I won't bore you with the specific details. I'll just say: Give people a little time. Not everybody's trying to take advantage of you. It's not that person's fault you're in a big fucking hurry.

This group that's said they've cloned a human. The talk radio station here in town read a story about it during newsbreaks today. And the one thing 99.7 links onto is that the head of this group, apparently, thinks that human beings are the product of extraterrestrial genetic tinkering. But when Kevin Ingram from 99.7 reads this, he says this last part with a snotty, ironic tone that says "Aren't these people the craziest, most unbelievable, ridiculous cretins you've ever heard of?"

When you think about it...if you're big into the whole God creating the heavens, Earth and Human race....God being everything, he's certainly extraterrestrial if he wants to be. And he had to tinker, at least a little bit, to make the first human. And you know, he'd probably have to tinker a little bit more just to prevent all the inbreeding that would have to result from two people creating the entire human race.

And then there's the George Carlin stance: What's more ridiculous? Humans made by space aliens or by the invisible man in the sky?

On the other hand, the arrogance of calling the cloned child Eve gets in my craw, too. It's like the whole thing was done to throw up in somebody else's face. That doesn't make you a great scientist, or a pioneer in the world of genetics. Doing that makes you an asshole. It's spiteful and it's unnecessary. And if that's what cloning gets you, I'm pretty much all against that, then. I've said it before and I'll bring it up ad nauseum that there are quite enough assholes in the world, thank you very much.

Not that I think George Carlin or Kevin Ingram or the cooky cloners are all completely right.

The only person completely right about the human philosophical situation is Batman.

And possibly David Cross.

Though I'm not entirely incorrect nearly 70 percent of the time.