My priorities/Friday Five

Proving that I have my priorities in order, I've gotten internet access just long enough to set the players on my fantasy baseball team and do this weeks Friday Five:


1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?

Police Academy 8: the Son of Tackleberry

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?

Well, the score to the Police Academy series, of course. But also "Joe Bean," sung by Johnny Cash; "Who Made Who?" by AC/DC; the theme to Transformers, by White Lion; "I got You Babe," the duet with Cher and Butt-head, from the first Beavis and Butthead album, and the Chili's Baby Back Rib song.

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?

Live Action. It would be ridiculous to try to animate the presence that is Bubba Smith. He's a human cartoon as it is.

Actually, though, I think it'd be neat to see a day of my life re-done anime style.

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?

I think I should be played by either Tommy Chong or Will Sasso. Or maybe Betty White.

Bill could only be done justice by Clancy Brown.

My Dad should be played by Wrestling's "Double A" Arn Anderson, circa 1993.

My friend Jason bares an uncanny resemblance (in both personality and appearance) to Bruce Campbell.

My friends at Tennessee Overhill, Diane and Shyam, must be played by a resurrected Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance.

My sister should be played by Mr. T.

With:

Bubba Smith as Hightower
Steve "What else am I doing?" Guttenberg as Mahoney
Michael Winslow as Jones
Marion Ramsey as Hux
Bobcat Goldthwait as Zed
Tim Kazurinsky as Sweetchuck

And the Village People would play themselves.

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.

The screen would be dark, and then lightning would light the screen and thunder would roll across a cityscape. And while different scenes of the violence that is marring the city cross the screen, the movie guy voice would say:

"In a world, fraught with violence and discord, in which, there is no hope...."

"They have lost one of their own..." And it would show the Police Academy crew around the grave of Eugene Tackleberry (who was played in the previous 7 movies by the late David Graf).

"And they must now meet their biggest challenge...by themselves..." and here, Mikhail Gorbachev. And Gorbechev says "New York City....will be mine....."

Voiceover: "Or do they?"

And then I appear on the screen, bursting through the wall like the Kool-Aid Pitcher man, carrying a bunch of guns, firing them into the sky....laughing a laugh that is a cross between Eddie Murphy's and James Cromwell's laugh in the first Revenge of the Nerds movies.

And Mahoney looks at Hightower and says: "Tackleberry had a son?"

And then a quick cut to Bobcat Goldthwait, who says "I thought he was a virgin!"

Then there's a shot of my saying to a perp: "You're under arrest!"

The movie voiceover guy: "There's only one problem...."

Mahoney says to Jones: "He's not a cop," followed by a montage of several different characters saying "You're not a cop!"

"And now," the voiceover guys says, "their job is simple."

A shot of Gorbachev laughing maniacally.

"They've got to make him into a cop, or lose everything they hold dear..."

Then ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" starts booming in the background. And I show up in a police uniform.

And then you see half-second glimpses of the zaniness that follows. Me falling down the stairs. Sweetchuck being chased by some dogs. Hightower and Mahoney in a strip club. Jones making machine gun noises. Zed looking at a girl in a bikini. Me saying "No, No, No," and then me shooting a really big machine gun.

Voiceover guy: This summer....

Another shot of a girl in a bikini.

Voiceover guy: The Police Academy Crew is Back....

Shot of Sweetchuck getting his head slammed in a police car door.

Voiceover guy: And they're training....

Hightower pulling his foot out of toilet.

Voiceover guy: The next Generation of Recuits....

Me with a whole bunch of spaghetti and spaghetti sauce all over me, asking "So when's our date?"

Voiceover guy: On July 23....The Son Rises

Zed says to Sweetchuck: "This ain't gonna be easy...."

Jones says into the camera: "Here we go again....," and then as the marquee for Police Academy 8 flashes up on screen, you hear Jones doing his megaphone voice saying "This is the police..."

Hell yeah.