A proposition
A proposition
From the International Federation of Competitive Eating's website:
10/17/2004
Jim Reeves devoured 32 Krystals in eight minutes at the Mississippi State Fair to win an official qualifier of the 2004 Krystal World Hamburger Eating Championship....Reeves earns a birth in the Nov. 13th finals in Chattanooga, TN, which will feature $17,500.00 in prize money.
See, here's the thing. 32 in 8 minutes is a lot, but it doesn't seem like the ridiculous amount that I'm used to seeing when I hear or read about these competitive eating contests. I mean, Takeru Kobayashi ate like 53 hot dogs in the same amount of time, and perusing the record book for the IFOCE, you can see that some guy ate some crazy amount of baked beans--something like 6 pounds in a 2 minute time span.
Six pounds of anything in 2 minutes is insane. And I don't say insane as in weird or exciting or cool. I mean eating six pounds of anything in 2 minutes, for any reason, means that something is wrong in your brain, something's just not hooked up right, if it says you need to do it.
That's a digression.
My point with the Krystals (which are the mustardy southern cousin of the White Castle, if anybody is unaware) is that 32 in 8 minutes just doesn't seem like the bar is out of sight.
The world record is 42, held by Sonya Thomas. Again, this is a high amount, but it's not quite to the borderline of insanity, where the record of eating 4 32 ounce bowls of mayonnaise lives....
Now, I'm not up to the challenge myself. A Krystal will turn my intestines into a water slide quicker than you can say "Greasy Squared Hamburger." I'm afraid that if I tried to eat 43 Krystals, I'd probably throw the water in my system out of balance, and I'd liquify.
But don't think that I'm just talking to hear myself talk...No! I'm not at my job!
What I'm thinking is that one of you take up the banner, and let me manage your training, Burgess Meredith style. We won't be chasing any chickens or beating up any sides of beef. Hell, I don't even know what Philadelphia is!
But with my carefully planned-out training, eating and stomach stretching program, I'll guide you to all the glory that is the championship of Krystal eating!
Now, the finals are in Chattanooga next month....I don't think we'll have a place in this year's ceremony, so we won't be like Daniel LaRusso and Mr. Miyagi this year. Instead, I'll lurk around the championship this year. A shadowy mystery figure.
And after that, I'll start training you. And next year, we'll attack! We'll be more like that karate guy and the guy who played on Step by Step who would come to fight Daniel for his title in Karate Kid 3. We'll be ready by next year.
What's in it for me, you ask?
The money.
You'll give me all the prize money. See, I'm thinking we're still on the upward slope of this competitive eating thing. I'm thinking that the prize money for next year's contest will be even greater! Something like $21,000!!!!!!!!!!
I'll get that little paltry sum. That amount of money isn't even worth the concern of a thoroughbred eating machine like you. I'll take that insulting amount right out of your sight, never for you to worry about again.
And you'll get the glory! Think of it! They'll make movies of you (starring Carl Weathers and Lori Petty)! You'll get a t-shirt! And maybe a hat, and the cover of Time Magazine*!
Think about it. I'm here. My knowledge will guide you.
*hat and cover of Time Magazine not guaranteed.
From the International Federation of Competitive Eating's website:
10/17/2004
Jim Reeves devoured 32 Krystals in eight minutes at the Mississippi State Fair to win an official qualifier of the 2004 Krystal World Hamburger Eating Championship....Reeves earns a birth in the Nov. 13th finals in Chattanooga, TN, which will feature $17,500.00 in prize money.
See, here's the thing. 32 in 8 minutes is a lot, but it doesn't seem like the ridiculous amount that I'm used to seeing when I hear or read about these competitive eating contests. I mean, Takeru Kobayashi ate like 53 hot dogs in the same amount of time, and perusing the record book for the IFOCE, you can see that some guy ate some crazy amount of baked beans--something like 6 pounds in a 2 minute time span.
Six pounds of anything in 2 minutes is insane. And I don't say insane as in weird or exciting or cool. I mean eating six pounds of anything in 2 minutes, for any reason, means that something is wrong in your brain, something's just not hooked up right, if it says you need to do it.
That's a digression.
My point with the Krystals (which are the mustardy southern cousin of the White Castle, if anybody is unaware) is that 32 in 8 minutes just doesn't seem like the bar is out of sight.
The world record is 42, held by Sonya Thomas. Again, this is a high amount, but it's not quite to the borderline of insanity, where the record of eating 4 32 ounce bowls of mayonnaise lives....
Now, I'm not up to the challenge myself. A Krystal will turn my intestines into a water slide quicker than you can say "Greasy Squared Hamburger." I'm afraid that if I tried to eat 43 Krystals, I'd probably throw the water in my system out of balance, and I'd liquify.
But don't think that I'm just talking to hear myself talk...No! I'm not at my job!
What I'm thinking is that one of you take up the banner, and let me manage your training, Burgess Meredith style. We won't be chasing any chickens or beating up any sides of beef. Hell, I don't even know what Philadelphia is!
But with my carefully planned-out training, eating and stomach stretching program, I'll guide you to all the glory that is the championship of Krystal eating!
Now, the finals are in Chattanooga next month....I don't think we'll have a place in this year's ceremony, so we won't be like Daniel LaRusso and Mr. Miyagi this year. Instead, I'll lurk around the championship this year. A shadowy mystery figure.
And after that, I'll start training you. And next year, we'll attack! We'll be more like that karate guy and the guy who played on Step by Step who would come to fight Daniel for his title in Karate Kid 3. We'll be ready by next year.
What's in it for me, you ask?
The money.
You'll give me all the prize money. See, I'm thinking we're still on the upward slope of this competitive eating thing. I'm thinking that the prize money for next year's contest will be even greater! Something like $21,000!!!!!!!!!!
I'll get that little paltry sum. That amount of money isn't even worth the concern of a thoroughbred eating machine like you. I'll take that insulting amount right out of your sight, never for you to worry about again.
And you'll get the glory! Think of it! They'll make movies of you (starring Carl Weathers and Lori Petty)! You'll get a t-shirt! And maybe a hat, and the cover of Time Magazine*!
Think about it. I'm here. My knowledge will guide you.
*hat and cover of Time Magazine not guaranteed.
posted by Tommy at
06:03
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