Tommy's Tourist Guide to Athens, TN

Tommy's Guide to Athens, TN

For you tourists and lovers of fine food who might be visiting Athens sooner or later, plug this into your notes when dining in my hometown:

The Athens Taco Bell

Part of the chain of "Mexican" restaurants, it features much the same menu of the rest of the Taco Bell Chain.

There is one key difference in how the food transaction takes place. It is not so much what you order from the menu as it is how much money you give them. For example, were you to order five tacos and two burrito supremes, the counter person would take your order, charge you the menu price, and take your money.

Then, the person making the food will note just how much money has changed hands, and load your plastic bag up with however much of whatever random menu item is at hand that your money would buy.

For example, if you paid 11 dollars, you would get 11 dollars worth of something. Not necessarily (or even partially) what you ordered. But don't worry. They won't cheat you. Store policy seems to be: err, but err on the side of caution. They'll give you 11 dollars worth of something. Even if it's nothing but tortillas, beans and 3 pounds of lettuce. They won't cheat you.

There is no code. Don't try to cypher one out. Men have plunged headlong toward madness trying to connect "Chicken Taco" with "Three Squished Up Bean Burritos." It is a random generation of food.

Also, while you're at the Taco Bell, make sure to say hi to Hulga, the Counter Wench, whose rough, gruff, toothless and frowning countenance does nothing to hide her heart of pure, dark, slimy crud.