Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A good birthday present

A good birthday present

Anybody looking for ideas for a belated birthday gift for your old pal Big Stupid Tommy?

How about Darren Daulton's 1992 RBI champion's trophy?

I think that would look nice on my desk between my signed Christopher Lloyd photograph and my pencil cup that looks like the word "Fucker" is written on it.

Be careful if you buy it for me, though. Make sure you wipe all the crazy off.

You know, those Phillies teams of the era were all crazy, but in the fun-to-watch/these guys would be fun to have a beer with kind of way.

But of all the guys on those early 90's Phillies teams to go gaga, I'd figure it'd have been Lenny Dykstra--probably for beating somebody to death with his hands.

Or maybe John Kruk, except I figure his would have been more the packrat type of crazy, where Oprah goes to his house and finds 18 years worth of newspapers stacked up inside.

Even Larry Andersen had a sort of "Go to the watchtower with a high powered rifle" thing going on.

And with props going to Mitch Williams, who's had his foray into crazytown.

But I gotta think the current champine, at least off all those early 90's Phillies teams, is Darren Daulton whose particular flavor of crazy comes out of the religious bucket, with a good bit of anti-guvmint paranoia thrown in for good measure. I don't know why I laughed out loud at this line, in which Daulton's off-the-field, post-career troubles are listed, but I did:

There was a horrendous car wreck on Interstate 75 outside Tampa in January 2001. He was arrested for drunken driving, but says that the truth is that he was intentionally run off the road because of a business deal with ties to the FBI and White House.

But you have to like this passage, and for it, I stand up and applaud.

First, I like this, which actually does Daulton quite a bit of justice, and actually rings true (and makes me feel like an asshole for ever having gone this far):

If he had to boil it down to one sentence, it would be this: "We need to stop judging each other. Because every one of us is on a different path."

True, true. How often have I felt belittled and even persecuted by others for my belief that Al Roker is controlling my mind using his formidable mind powers through the teevee?

But then, the whole article gets right back on the Darren Daulton Crazy Train Track:

But there's more to it than peace and harmony. Daulton is convinced that the day of reckoning is coming soon. Specifically, on Dec. 21, 2012, at 11:11 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time, the chosen will simply vanish from this plane of existence.

Alrighty. I hope, for Darren's sake, that he was quoted out of order. Because if not, it would be simply the absolute most perfect instance of comic gold to have the first statement act as prelude for the second statement.

"Folks, first, I have to say that we cannot judge each other. We all have different paths; I cannot judge you and you cannot judge me.

"Second, the day of reckoning is at hand. I and the other chosen will vanish from this plane existence on December 21, 2012, at 11:11 AM, Greenwich Mean Time...."

Yeah, that's a BSTommy Tip to Live By: If anybody uses the phrase "Day of Reckoning" in anything other than the ironic sense, you might want to give them a wide berth.

Anyway. My point in all this bleating is this: If you're going to buy me Darren Daulton's RBI award, wipe the crazy off. We're full up on the crazy at the BSTommy Compound. Don't need anymore. It's like Arsenic and Old Lace around here....Insanity runs in my family...it practically gallops....


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