Katie's Sendoff

Katie's Sendoff

Katie Couric had a chimpanzee visit her today on The Today Show. As part of the sendoff she's getting. I thought that was really cool, until I realized that she wasn't going to get to keep Lucky Louie.

That'd be a helluva sendoff, for your services: getting to keep the chimpanzee.

It'd almost make it worth getting up at 3:45 in the morning every morning for the past 15 years.

That's why I couldn't make it on the Today Show. All that constant early-rising. That, and my non-telegenic nature, general ignorance of and apathy for current events, and the complete, violent animosity Al Roker and I would have for each other. But mostly, it'd be the 3:45 in the morning thing.

If I had to be at work that early every day, I might consider just sleeping during the afternoon, and get up around 8 in the evening. Act like a vampire all night, and then go into Rockefeller Center and report on the news with Matt, Al and that chick who I refer to as "Ann Rice," even though I know that's not her name. The problem would be whether I choose to get drunk as I'm up in the middle of the night.

Given my stick-in-the-mud nature, I'd say I'd probably just sit up and read a book, or watch TeeVee.

Or wander the night, fighting crime.

Whichever struck my fancy on that given night. It would largely depend on how cold it was outside. And, of course, how much crime there was to fight.

Speaking of 3:45, do you think Katie wakes up then on her day off? When I had jobs that required my being there early in the morning, one of the things that bugged me was my inability to sleep late on my days off. I had a hotel job one summer that had me getting to work at 4:30 every morning....and on my days off, I could only sleep to 6:30 or 7. Do you think Katie Couric has that problem? What time do you think she'll get up when she's anchoring the CBS News? 10 in the morning? 11?

Have I mentioned Campbell Brown? Why the hell not? Have you seen this woman? She's huge! She's like 6'7". And BeeYooTeeFull. Dude, if you're looking for somebody to play Wonder Woman, this would be the woman to do it.

But I've wandered off my point.

Katie didn't get to keep the Chimpanzee. Which is maybe a gyp. I'd take it as a gyp, but then, I don't have all the nice things that a Katie Couric would have in her home. I tend to think that having a chimpanzee in the house, while cool, would probably be detrimental to any collections of fine art, or fragile china that you might have on the premises. Owing to that chimpanzees like to do hilarious things like tear up fine art, and break fragile china.

But since I own neither fine china nor fine art (with the possible exception of my original one-sheet of the film Police Academy II: Their First Assignment), I think I'd be cool with having a chimpanzee around the house.

If only to have as a conversation piece.

"What's that?"

"That's a bowl of Black Cherry Jell-O."

"No, not that....That!"

"Oh. That's my Retirement Chimpanzee."

If I survive in my current position long enough to have a retirement, I'll say this:

Fuck that "Gold Watch" bullshit.

You know what? I might even forego a pension.

If I can have a Retirement Chimpanzee.

But he can't smoke. I don't want a smoking chimpanzee. In my retirement, I don't know that I'll have the extra money to buy cigarettes (or cigars, or pipe tobacco) for a chimpanzee, especially if I've foregone a pension in favor of said chimpanzee.

Now, if the chimpanzee has money of his own, perhaps through some manner of court settlement or extended lottery winnings, then he can smoke. Outside, or in the garage during winter.

But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I wonder if Katie Couric would let a retirement chimpanzee smoke in the house.

My gut says no, but there's a part of me that thinks she might, on the basis of "as long as he shits in the shitter."