Dear Tiger

Dear Tiger:

I don't care who you made sweet, sweet love to.

I also don't care about golf.

Not sure why I write this.

Except to say that America needs a bad guy.

Honestly, we've been eating each other alive ever since the fall of communism. We've managed to turn some goat farmers who've spent the last three millennia screaming at each other over a watering hole in the desert into the world's villains. It's become something of a problem, because they're too scattered to truly establish a Mexican Standoff of mutually assured destruction, and honestly, they've proven fully willing to destroy themselves if it means destroying us. A villain who is perfectly willing to spite his own face if cutting his own nose off hurts us isn't as good for prime time ratings as one might think.

I'm not sure how effective that last metaphor was, if it was at all. As much as I enjoy making an entire cross-section of the world's population seem like a bunch of screaming maniacs--wait...check that....screaming Religious maniacs...I'd like to say that if I'm going to get on Fox News. As much as I enjoy making an entire cross section of the world population out to be a bunch of bearded, screaming, religious maniacs, I know that ultimately, we'll have an Oprah prime time special that will completely destroy this line of thinking.

(As an aside, Tiger, remember that Super Bowl commercial with David Letterman, Jay Leno and Oprah? If Oprah had a late night talk show, would she destroy those two? I actually think she would hurt Jay more than Dave, but would ultimately have higher ratings than the two).

Anyway, my point is this:

We need a villain in this country.

If you were to come to your statement this morning, wearing a Ric Flair robe, with a drink in one hand and a swimsuit model on each arm, came to the microphone and said "America? Kiss my ass!" I think it would be the one thing that would finally unite us as a people.

Seriously. Don't you have enough money?

I've never made more than 39K in a year. I don't know what it's like to need another million. I'll likely never know what it's like to get that first million, barring a lot of people deciding to pay for my particular brand of tripe. You've got more than enough money. Why apologize to the housewives of the world?

Did you take their children to raise?

Is that what you're going to apologize for?

That would be a good way to start Tiger Woods Heel Turn: Announce that you've been in successful negotiation to adopt all America's children. They should be delivered to you no later than Tuesday morning. They should have two pairs of shoes, and a headlamp.

You could have all America's children work in the mines beneath your palace.

Especially Ke Huy Quan.

America would hate you for that. But imagine how they'd feel if they realized you were ripping your opponents' hearts out and sacrificing them to Kali?

Have you gotten the Sankara Stones already?

Anyway.

I'm now thinking that Tiger Woods' Thuggee Cult might be my fantasy baseball team's name this year. It's a contender, at any rate.

It's just a thought, Tiger. Honestly, I've never given a shit who you've had sex with. Pretty much, as long as you're not trying to have sex with me (the answer is still no), it's none of my bee's wax. I'd be fully with you, though, if you came up to the mike and said just that: "This is none of your concern. There has been an incident. However, this is all under control, we have no need of assistance. Obey Treaty Stipulations, and remain outside the neutral zone."

But that's because I like Star Trek VI, and I know that you're a dork, too.

Honestly, though. The only sex life I truly care about is my own. And hey, if you could put a good word in with the ladies for me, I'd appreciate it. But otherwise, carry on. It's very little of my concern.

Thanks,

(Big Stupid) Tommy Acuff