Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, volume XXXVII, subsection B

I'm not sure what this crap where I dream about work is, but I'm over it.

What follows is a brief and incomplete list of things I would rather dream about than work:
  • Sex
  • Baseball
  • Having my own lightsaber
  • Driving my Truck in the Indianapolis 500
  • Flying
  • Being Bulletproof
  • Being Best Friends with Robert De Niro
  • Fist Fighting a Bear, and Winning.
  • Having the power to Declare "Topless Tuesdays."
  • Having my own little Hobbit House.
  • Having a gun that shoots Jell-O
  • A Mummy
  • Being World Famous for my Mad Etch-a-Sketch Drawing Skills
  • Pizza
  • Riding in a Taxi driven by Randy "Macho Man" Savage
  • Going to a church where everybody talks like Randy "Macho Man" Savage
  • Riding a Rhinoceros into war
  • The letter T
  • Going on Jeopardy and having all the categories be about my life.
  • Being called out of the stands to pinch hit at a Cubs game
  • Living next door to pinch-hitter extraordinaire Thad Bosley
  • Being in Philadelphia in 1776, and being taller than most, if not all, the delegates to the Continental Congress
  • Getting to slam doors in the face of Sting. (The Singer, aka Gordon Sumner. Not the Wrestler, aka Steve Borden).
  • Having a camera that actually does steal souls
  • Hiking on a trail in the mountains, and meeting my grandmothers
  • Going to Ireland
  • Going to Ireland, and finding that it is like a nation made up entirely of Etowah, Tennessee.
  • Pimp Slapping Howie Mandel
  • Having the power to Destroy American Idol with my mind.
  • Befriending an Extraterrestrial visitor to our world, who has the power to set things afire with but a touch
  • Arguing that The Letter B is actually a number, and that I should be allowed to wear it for the Tennessee Titans
  • Building a working time machine out of panty hose and a hammer.
  • Finding that I can run the government from my desk in the kitchen.
  • Boobs
  • That I am on the downside of Flowers for Algernon
  • Knowing a talking horse that tells the filthiest jokes you ever heard
  • Mickey Mantle comes back from the grave and beats the shit out of alcoholics where ever he finds them.
  • Driving a Train
  • Driving a Transfer Truck through a field of Popcorn, which pops whenever I drive my truck through it.
  • Knowing a guy that eats vinyl siding
  • Being able to clap and have Ernest Borgnine appear
  • The true story behind Wonder Bread
All of these are preferable to dreaming about work.

A few things that I would not like to dream about, but are probably about the same as dreaming about work:
  • That dream where there is a Q-Bert standup arcade machine in my house that only works when you pee into it.
  • That dream where I'm driving from Atlanta to my home, and aliens attack dropping "Spider-Bombs" from their heliothingamajigs
  • That dream where there's a big pay-per-view where Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston are going to fight it out over the song "I Will Always Love You." Only because they want me to take sides
  • Snakes
  • Wasps
  • A weird cotton candy cloud that is raining death upon the city
  • Any variation on the dream where the brakes on my truck stop working, or suddenly the forward gears and reverse work their opposite way.
  • That dream where I've skipped a class the entire semester, and it's time to turn in a paper, or go to the final.
Dreams that are unacceptable, and I actually prefer dreaming about work:
  • The dream where I'm asking somebody out, and they laugh
  • Funeral dreams, for my parents or close friends
  • Al Roker, coming to my house because he wants to rub on my booty


Blogger Erica said...

Hmph. Nothing about clouds in the shape of the number 5. whatEVER.

10:21 PM  
Blogger Elisson said...

Why do *I* even bother to write? This stuff is so much better than anything I ever come up with.

4:18 PM  

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