Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, volume XXXVII, subsection B

I'm not sure what this crap where I dream about work is, but I'm over it.

What follows is a brief and incomplete list of things I would rather dream about than work:

• Sex
• Baseball
• Having my own lightsaber
• Driving my Truck in the Indianapolis 500
• Flying
• Being Bulletproof
• Being Best Friends with Robert De Niro
• Fist Fighting a Bear, and Winning.
• Having the power to Declare "Topless Tuesdays."
• Having my own little Hobbit House.
• Having a gun that shoots Jell-O
• A Mummy
• Being World Famous for my Mad Etch-a-Sketch Drawing Skills
• Pizza
• Riding in a Taxi driven by Randy "Macho Man" Savage
• Going to a church where everybody talks like Randy "Macho Man" Savage
• Riding a Rhinoceros into war
• The letter T
• Going on Jeopardy and having all the categories be about my life.
• Being called out of the stands to pinch hit at a Cubs game
• Living next door to pinch-hitter extraordinaire Thad Bosley
• Being in Philadelphia in 1776, and being taller than most, if not all, the delegates to the Continental Congress
• Getting to slam doors in the face of Sting. (The Singer, aka Gordon Sumner. Not the Wrestler, aka Steve Borden).
• Having a camera that actually does steal souls
• Hiking on a trail in the mountains, and meeting my grandmothers
• Going to Ireland
• Going to Ireland, and finding that it is like a nation made up entirely of Etowah, Tennessee.
• Pimp Slapping Howie Mandel
• Having the power to Destroy American Idol with my mind.
• Befriending an Extraterrestrial visitor to our world, who has the power to set things afire with but a touch
• Arguing that The Letter B is actually a number, and that I should be allowed to wear it for the Tennessee Titans
• Building a working time machine out of panty hose and a hammer.
• Finding that I can run the government from my desk in the kitchen.
• Boobs
• That I am on the downside of Flowers for Algernon
• Knowing a talking horse that tells the filthiest jokes you ever heard
• Mickey Mantle comes back from the grave and beats the shit out of alcoholics where ever he finds them.
• Driving a Train
• Driving a Transfer Truck through a field of Popcorn, which pops whenever I drive my truck through it.
• Knowing a guy that eats vinyl siding
• Being able to clap and have Ernest Borgnine appear
• The true story behind Wonder Bread

All of these are preferable to dreaming about work.

A few things that I would not like to dream about, but are probably about the same as dreaming about work:

• That dream where there is a Q-Bert standup arcade machine in my house that only works when you pee into it.
• That dream where I'm driving from Atlanta to my home, and aliens attack dropping "Spider-Bombs" from their heliothingamajigs
• That dream where there's a big pay-per-view where Dolly Parton and Whitney Houston are going to fight it out over the song "I Will Always Love You." Only because they want me to take sides
• Snakes
• Wasps
• A weird cotton candy cloud that is raining death upon the city
• Any variation on the dream where the brakes on my truck stop working, or suddenly the forward gears and reverse work their opposite way.
• That dream where I've skipped a class the entire semester, and it's time to turn in a paper, or go to the final.

Dreams that are unacceptable, and I actually prefer dreaming about work:

• The dream where I'm asking somebody out, and they laugh
• Funeral dreams, for my parents or close friends
• Al Roker, coming to my house because he wants to rub on my booty