Monday, May 24, 2004

The Price is Right Update, Week 2

The Price is Right Update, Week 2

Yeah, I'll keep doing this until I get bored of it.

There was a guy named Randall on today's show, and he was from Nashville. He even won big prizes. I'm not sure what. I was reading. But he got up to the Big Wheel, and he made two mistakes.

The first: he tried to usurp (The) Bob Barker's control of the Microphone. You know Bob's mike, right? Looks like an olive on the end of a crazy straw? DO NOT TOUCH THE MICROPHONE! Randall (who was dressed in Tennessee Orange) tried to say hello to somebody, before he even spun the big wheel.

"Spin the Damn Wheel!" Bob said, "And Then you Can Shout Your Inanities!"

Randall, sufficiently scolded, spun the wheel. And then he got to say hello to everybody (all 545,000 people) in Nashville, and also happy birthday to his mother, but only because (The) Bob Barker let him.

Bob is the Master of Ceremonies. He tells you want to do. You don't say what you want to do. Bob says jump, you jump. And you pray to Whomever that it's just high enough!

Second Mistake:

Randall had to beat 95 cents, and he tried to precision spin the wheel. He tried to land right on the dollar with his first spin. He was somewhere halfway around the wheel from the vaunted $1.00 spot, and since you have to get the wheel around once for the spin to count, Randall tried to get the dollar by spinning so that it completed 1.5 revolutions.

People who try to precision spin will drown in their own folly. It's just never going to happen!

Randall, you've never spun the wheel. You don't know how heavy, you don't know how much resistance there is, what kind of bearings the wheel has. NOTHING!

There are a couple of people on the planet who have the kind of eye to judge that sort of thing without touching, and also the coordination to be able to precision spin the wheel without practice (their names are Jesse "the Body" Ventura and Mr. T).

Randall, unless you're hiding the mohawk, just spin the wheel as hard as you can and pray to Whomever that you get what you want.

And pray also that you aren't led to the slaughter pens when you're led offstage.

Because I kind of think that's what happens. I think you're just done away with at the end of your time on stage, kind of like the guys in Running Man, when Ben Richards finds them. They're supposed to be on the tropical island, but they've just been hidden backstage.

And I think you're done with by a big giant blender, kind of like what Lunchlady Doris wanted to use to grind up the Simpson kids in that one Treehouse of Horror Simpsons episode, where the teachers gain a taste for the human flesh? You know what I'm talkin' about?

You know what I'm talking about.


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