He So Funny

He So Funny

Mike Toole, on a close encounter with John Kerry:

He was thisclose to me. I could have punched him or slapped him or licked him or head-butted him or pulled his hair or did that thing where you go "got your nose" when in reality it would just be my own thumb but I'd pretend it was his nose or I could have done that thing where I say "What's this?" and then I put my hand behind is ear and make it look like I pulled a quarter or a nickel from behind is ear.

But I didn't. Stupid Secret Service. Those guys take their jobs way too seriously. I was like, "Dudes, why do you care so much? It's not like he's the president. He's only running for president. Big difference, assholes."