Saturday, November 29, 2008

Black Friday?

Black Friday?

Not even gonna lie. Even before I'd made a semi-career out of retail, the day drove me nuts. Not so much for the bargain-shopping aspect of it. I get the gist, even if yours truly might be the most penny-wise/pound-foolish this side of the Mississippi.

I told my friend Lisa, who'd wandered out into the madness, that the number of personal space violations don't make it seem like fun. Color me a product of our western life and times...unless invited in, I don't much care for folks entering that 12-18" neutral zone. As such, crowds are not usually my cup of tea. I tolerate them for certain things...concerts, sporting events, even the impromptu mixed martial arts fight that breaks out at the store.

But Christmas shopping? No. I can save enough money online, or in a late night excursion out to the Wal-Mart or Best Buy.

But, if you're looking to take in those deals, more power to you. I'm not looking to argue with you...the price of that TeeVee at Wal-Mart made me sit up and pay attention, too.

The other reason? The absurd sense of competition that seems to come out of it. Get a couple of beers in me, and you can get me started on a pretty good rant about the sense of entitlement a lot of us have (not excluding your old pal Big Stupid Tommy, even).

When you have one sense of entitlement bumping heads with another body's similar sense of entitlement, suddenly you have a competition.

Bump that sense of entitlement up against several senses of entitlement...say, people who have worked themselves into a frenzy surrounding the price of an XBox at Toys R Us, or a TeeVee at the Wal (hyphen) Mart...and suddenly you have a Battle Royale of epic proportions.

I told Lisa that if I had a vantage point where I could observe such an event unjostled and above the crowd, I might enjoy such a thing very much. Your old pal Big Stupid Tommy is an excellent and avid people-watcher.

But being caught in the middle of a sea of people whose priorities are out-of-whack enough to trample an old man at a discount store? Not fun.

Come on, people. This is the kind of shit that happens in the third world when there's a shortage of water. I don't condone a person being trampled to death, but if you're trying to get water to survive, at least I get that. Matters of life and death vs. the acquisition of stuff?

There's an evaluation of priorities, I guess.

I guess that's my point.

I like TeeVee. Quite a bit, actually.

Just not enough to trample a person.

Maybe it depends on the person, but on the whole, I don't like TeeVee enough to trample a person.

I wrote a few days ago that that there's a special hell for people who mistreat retail workers.

Well, if you trample a retail worker to death, there really is a special hell for you.

My sincere hope is that some good comes out of this. Not even trying to be funny. I'd like those people to be identified. I'd like them charged with and convicted of murder. I'd like to see a little bit of the mob mentality borne out of that aforementioned sense of entitlement curbed a little. And most of all, I'd like a few of them to see what a true matter of life and death is.

Yeah, this one's up in my craw.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Get to Know Big Stupid Tommy (Christmas Edition)...

Get to Know Big Stupid Tommy (Christmas Edition)...

Hey folks. Just want to drop a Happy Thanksgiving on you fine folks. I hope yours is going as well as mine. Worked a hella-bunch this week...but it paid off. Best results for a Thanksgiving week I've had in my time in the business.

Bothered though, by a backhanded comment I got from a former co-worker this morning. We work in different stores, and his response to my having put in the hours that I do..."I'd hate to tell you how many hours I didn't." The implication being we didn't go in as prepared as he did.

Your pal Tommy really does hate people, sometimes. Fact is, I worked hard this week, and it paid off. My job grinds my gears, from time to time. But this week was one of the ones where the hard work was justified.

Especially since the results show a marked increase against the work of that same person this time last an economy that's down the shitter.

But...enough work talk.

It's Thanksgiving. We did it small over in this neck of the woods. Just immediate family. Some turkey. Some stuffing (yeah...I like the junk what was jammed up inside the me crazy...). Yams. Cranberry Sauce.

Did I mention the pies?

A quick list of the types of pies consumed:

1. Blueberry (a first--I'd never had blueberry pie).
2. Pumpkin
3. Chocolate (and this despite chocolate making me break out--courage, friends)
4. Pecan

Anyway....I hope yours is a good one.

Spent a little time this morning doing some Christmas shopping. Normally I'm a large fraction done for the season. Working in retail leaves me with little enthusiasm for wandering out among the masses. Indeed, it'll be a rare sight to catch me out anywhere but work during the day. You can't even hit the Wal (hyphen) Mart after midnight and expect to stand in line for less than 15 minutes.

Thank Superman, Dusty Rhodes and even Al Gore if it means I can get the bulk of my shopping done without leaving the relative warmth and safety of Casa de Big Stupid Tommy....

Thank heavens that most of my friends and family read, too...

Anyway. This little meme's been floating around the interweb. I've gotten on e-mail, on Facebook, on Myspace...I even think I've probably gotten one via Pony Express messenger...

I'll play around with it, and Hope you guys have a Happy Thanksgiving, and move easily and thankfully into the rest of the Holiday Season...

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. Okay,
here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Just
copy (not forward) this entire email and paste into a new e-mail that
you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this
to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it
to you......Tis the Season to be NICE!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

You know, the odd perfectionist part of me wants to wrap things. This despite that when I do it, the initial attempts look like I'm fighting the D.T.'s....usually, with three or four packages under my belt, they actually come out pretty decent.

Still, time being the elusive critter that it is, gift bags are actually a large part of the wrapping process for me. It's just easy.

2. Real tree or Artificial?

Real. A very wise man once said to me Artificial Trees are for Artificial People.

Still...I had an artificial tree that I bought from Goodwill. It was between two and three feet tall, and looked like an artificial Cedar, if you can imagine. When it wasn't in use, I put a trashbag over it, decorations and all, and kept it on top of the fridge....

4. When do you take the tree down?

I don't know where Number 3 went. I got this off Diane's e-mail. Does she have something against Threes? I thought about putting in my own question, but a wise man once said to me Artificial Threes are for Artificial People.

As toward the question at hand? Generally around New Years.

5. Do you like eggnog?

The taste is okay, I guess. I generally try to cut it with milk, now. Or bourbon.

The texture of plain egg nog is offputting. It's like drinking a tall frothy glass of snot.

As an addendum, a worker from the local dairy told me this story...when the eggnog gets bottled, the workers on the line will occasionally pull a bottle for quality. Not full, or the bottle itself has a defect.

The workers will then have contests surrounding this eggnog (which is often still warm from its preparation).

One contest is simply to see who can drink the most before calling uncle or upchucking.

Another involves contestants drinking the same quantity (a quart, let's say). Then, over the course of the evening, he who can go without running for the toilet longest, wins.

Yeah. Egg nog's not really my thing.

6. Favorite gift received as a child?


7. Hardest person to buy for?

My sister

8. Easiest person to buy for?

My brother-in-law. I just buy something I'd like. If it revolves around Kevin Smith, pro wrestling or giant-sized movie posters, he's all about it.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?

I don't, but I desperately would like somebody to make one based on the Simpsons nativity scene pictured when you scroll down a bit here....
10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

Socks, but not because they're socks. Socks are tremendous. But, when they're disguised as a G.I. Joe Motorcycle? F That.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie?

A Christmas Story

13. When do you start shopping?

Usually pretty early. Like I said, I'm usually a sizable portion done by this point.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?

No, not that I can recall.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Sausage Balls. Somehow, they don't taste right any other time of the year.

16. Lights on the tree?

Ye Gods, yes.

17. Favorite Christmas song?

Little Drummer Boy.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?

We used to travel up to New Jersey as a pretty annual thing. I asked last year why we didn't do that, thinking it would be funny to ask.

"Because Grandmom and Grandpop are dead," came the reply.

No laughing.

Everybody's a critic.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's?

I think Santa needs to ask me to that. I don't go around naming other people's pets.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?

My folks have both....

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?

Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?

People just rush and rush and rush. I'm not exempt. My personal goal is to try to take it easy, this year.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?

For some reason, it amuses me very much that there is a Darth Vader ornament on my tree.

4. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?

You know...I could do with a new pair of boots, and my cell phone's beaten to crap. But other than that, life's good....

In case you were wondering...

Monday, November 24, 2008



Sometimes, I worry that I'm spending too much time online, doing pointless things like updating my Twitter feed too many times a day.

Then Shaquille O'Neal updates 14 times in 2 hours, and suddenly, I don't feel so bad.

Thanks, Universe. I needed that.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Chapter MMMCII: In which I tell them....

Chapter MMMCII: In which I tell them....

For the record, I went back to bed. But, at 4:19, after staring at the ceiling for all those minutes, I said "Screw It. I'm getting up."

Out loud. I said it to the empty, dark and cold house.

I brewed a strong pot of coffee from the Ugly Mug Coffee Company, and read for a half hour.

Then, I took a shower, and got dressed. Gonna leave for work here in a few minutes: the Saturday before Thanksgiving is a day that usually goes quickly, so I got that going for me.

Then, I checked my e-mail. I had 1 e-mail since I'd checked it a couple hours ago.

From the Barnes & Noble people. Usually, the spam filter catches these things, but this one made it through. "Last Chance," the subject said.

"Last Chance for your Free Picture Frame."

I said what any normal and sane person would say after 2 hours of sleep on a day where he's gotta go work one of the five or six busiest days of the year....

"Fuck you, and you free picture frame."

Then, with a flourish, I clicked that the message was spam.

I am quite obviously drunk on power.

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, volume C, Section 8

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, volume C, Section 8

Haven't had to do an insomnia post, here lately. Thank God for small favors, I reckon. I started taking Valerian Root a couple, maybe three months ago. I'm a fan, now. I've got from 1-3 sleepless nights a week to maybe 1 a month....if it's all in my head, so be it. Pass me that sugar pill, and let my ass get some sleep.

Well, I had the day off Friday. On my list of errands was to run by the store and grab another bottle of Valerian Root, among other things. I didn't make it to the store, owing to that I was busy with other occupations...such as making sure my television doesn't get up and run off, apparently.

So, here I sit at 3:37 in the morning, on a Saturday when I have to get up in about an hour and a half, writing a beautimus blog post about how I can't sleep....

Like I said....if it's all in my head, then the contrary is apparently true, as well. No placebo=no sleep.

I'm yawning like a sumbitch, though. So maybe my brain, what with its prodigious knowledge of pro wrestling title histories, is ready to settle down for the night.

I say that, but twice already I've wandered into the slumbertarium, pretty sure that I was about to fall back to sleep, and ended up lying there, eyes open in a darkened room.

Have I mentioned that it's ever-loving cold in this neck of the woods? It's 19 degrees right now, at Casa de Big Stupid Tommy, and that's the forecast low. We'll probably hit close to 14 or 15 before sun-up. It's November gardammit! It's Tennessee! I've worn shorts to Thanksgiving! Where's all this global warming? I might need to punch Al Gore....

I don't suppose there's any particular rule saying I can't wear them to Thanksgiving this year.

I just don't want my testicles and/or kneecaps to fall off due to being too cold. That's how both my grandfathers died, I think.

It might be hereditary.

However, I now am faced with a question: which would I rather have fall off, if I could choose to have one fall off, but the other stay....

I like my testicles, but I also enjoy standing upright. The former will allow me progeny, one day. The latter lets me stand up to pee, which may sound like a small favor, but I think one that I would miss muchly should I be no longer able to do so. I have something else for my brain to think about as I stare straight ahead at the dark room.

Pray for me, people. Pray for me.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

A Directive...

A Directive...

Today, I need you to work the word "Dastardly" into everyday conversation. With as little irony or inflection as possible. Make it seem like a word that's in your everyday lexicon. If it is a word in your everyday lexicon, I would like to be your best friend.

For the first use, you get 1 life point.

For every use thereafter, you get .5 life points, with a maximum daily accrual of 4 life points.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Things that strike me....

Things that strike me

Hurry Up post...I'm on a lab computer....

I was digging through my junk drawer this morning, trying to find a pair of gloves to wear to keep my hands from succumbing to frostbite in the short time it takes my truck heater to warm up. I found everything but...highlighter pens, a set of keys for a truck I no longer drive, roughly 80 feet of speaker wire. No gloves. I did run across a Christmas card from a year or so ago. It was from a girl I was getting to know...kinda flirting with I guess. Making my best efforts at a facsimile of it, all the same.

I'd been bugging her about training to be a "Pit Fighter."

It didn't mean's one of the many nonsense things I say over the course of a day. I'm often surprised and even confused when they pop out of my head, and this one was no different. It was just something that kinda ran as a running joke....we dealt with our stresses and stressors like a pit fighter would....

I looked at the Christmas card. We haven't spoken much since then...there was a falling out that I've decided was absolutely no fault of mine (and that's saying something, considering I carry around a naturally guilty conscience heavier than three Catholics and seven puppies who've just been discovered digging through the trash, and I'll generally take culpability for anything, up to and including the whole of the economic collapse we're suffering right now).

I just want to say that I realized something this morning. That we might never have been on the same page. We were both speaking English, but we were never speaking the same language.

Reading the message inside the Christmas card, I realized that anytime I referred to a pit fighter, where I was thinking of a Jack Severino, fighting in a hole for money or for your life, she was thinking I was referring to fighting dogs. Specifically: Pitbulls.


Ron Mexico, I am not.

Anyway. It's had me thinking most of the day.

About what, I'm not sure.

Communication? And how assumption of understanding is perhaps a dangerous, dangerous thing.


My first thought was to sneer. But then I remembered that growing up, I thought the Cold War was being fought with Sudafed and Robitussin, and not the Soviets. So, we all have our word foibles, I suppose.

Of course, I was nine years old at the time...

Opie says AD is a work in progress....

Opie says AD is a work in progress...

Now, this is potentially one of those things the universe is choosing to tease me about....but Ron Howard also comments that an Arrested Development movie is a go....

Just a note....

Just a note...

There is a special hell for people who mis-treat retail workers.

It's not just Santa Claus that watches.

Remember that, the next time you decide to get pissy about a can of Chef Boyardee.

Monday, November 17, 2008

In which Tommy regrets his lack of attention to matters other than those that are at hand....

In which Tommy regrets his lack of attention to matters other than those that are at hand....


Dropkick Murphys were playing in Knoxville a week ago. And I've been so head-down-nose-to-the-grindstone that I missed it.

Friggin' hell.....

Sunday, November 16, 2008



In the first place, if Knoxville, Tennessee so badly needed my money, they could have asked. I know that Knoxville's good for it. So many of my favorite things are in Knoxville....none of them come to mind at the moment, but I assure you that any visit to Knoxville will leave you saying "At least it wasn't Charleston, West Virginia all over again...."

However, I warn you...should you decide to re-enact Bart Simpson's pilgrimage to the Sun Sphere, be aware that Big Brother is alive, and keeping the world safe coffers full.

You old pal Big Stupid Tommy, some ten days back, decided to wander north in search of entertainment and suitable attire to wear at the job. Knowing that the finest shops catering to the colossally big and amazingly tall can be found some hour's north of my home, I went that way. (Honestly...why are there two Big and Tall shops a block from each other on Kingston Pike, but almost nowhere else in town? That section must be the Big & Tall District...)

Tommy's visit that day was mostly successful. Not only did he acquire work shirts, but a couple decent pair of slacks, as well. Indeed, he has been quite the dapper fellow during his time overseeing his appointed rounds at the local grocery....

Well, Tommy's truck, like yours, faithful reader, runs on Gasoline. And in these troubled and turbulent times, he saw a cheap price on once side of the interstate, and crossed the overpass to find it.

There are stoplights in Knoxville. Let me be the first to tell you this. I know this comes as a shock to the great many of you, that in this day and age, Knoxville has to resort to traffic lights to direct people when and where they may travel.

Tommy is a quiet fellow, who doesn't look to cause trouble. However, he desires as well not to be troubled, especially by little things like "other people's opinions...."

And if he is not troubled by other people's opinions? Should he be troubled by the opinions of a mechanized device simply because it is flashing one color at him or another?

Obviously not.


Yeah. Tired of my own voice, here.

While crossing the interstate, I managed to run a red light. I was apparently trying to beat a light, and did not beat it. The cameras, as much as I like to spout the vitriol of "that's his opinion" does not lie.

As such, I have become an unwitting contributor to the economy of Knoxville, Tennessee.

I'd intended this to be a rant on how I think the cameras are bullshit, and are less about serving the public good than they are raising the effect it has on my driving habits will be slight, at best..... But I believe that I'm most likely preaching to the choir...

Anyway. I hope Knoxville uses that money to pay overtime for some particular piece of an overturned tanker of K-Y Jelly...or perhaps having to call Orkin in when Sparrows infest city hall...

God forbid they use it to fix that pothole I managed to find every time I'm running up the road to McKay's....

Thursday, November 13, 2008

God Bless America...

God Bless America....

If this is true, I will not ask Santa Claus for another present for the rest of my life....The Bluths are coming to the Big Screen....

At least, Jeffrey Tambor says so.

And I tend to think that whatever Jeffrey Tambor says, goes.

Bloggiversary VI

Bloggiversary VI

What up, yo?

I've been keeping this booger alive for six years.

Six years?!?!!

Can ya believe?

Time flies, I reckon.

Still not a lot to say, some 3100 posts in. Just goofin' around.

For those of you that have read, I want to offer my appreciation.

For the sevens of you that plan to keep reading, I offer my most humble thanks.

I also ask you to send me money. Trashbags full, if you can. Preferably American.

I'd appreciate it. I'm thinking a little reciprocation is in order. That's all.



Newscoma twittered this link this morning.

This is quite simply the best arrest story I've read this week....

I think my favorite part was kicking the doorman in the groin, but breaking the sprinkler was also a nice touch....

Tuesday, November 11, 2008



Man. How the hell did we get to Tuesday?

Random thoughts?

I'll have been with my current employer 5 years as of tomorrow. My how time flies, right?

Thursday? Sixth anniversary of this little blogamathing. I've been keeping this blog nearly 20% of my life. How fucking nuts is that? Perhaps not nearly as nuts as the collection of scabs I have in a 4 x 6 x 1' Sterilite container under my bed. But I'd say it's getting there.


I don't know why my Tivo has started to record Days of Our Lives as a suggestion to me. I've even sorted through keywords, and I can't figure this one out. First it records the Titans game for me, without my telling it to. Now, it's recording soap operas that I've never watched.

Giving Tivo the benefit of the doubt, I am thinking perhaps the machine knows me better than I know myself.

That, or Tivo has decided that It wants to watch Days of Our Lives. Fearful that I will receive a fatal, electric shock if I attempt to stop the viewing of today's soap opera, I have not yet deleted it from the "Suggestions" file. Today Sami is admitting that she is's important.


Ever have weeks where your estimates of how long something will take are short by about 33 percent?


My vote for the N.L. Cy Young award would go to Tim Lincecum. Mostly because I hate the Brewers. It's probably a good thing I don't get to vote on such things.....

Monday, November 10, 2008



Um...the other night, when I came home from work, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome was on the television, and despite the fact that whatever channel was showing inserts commercials every 37 seconds or so, I sat and watched while I answered e-mail and made sure the internet was in a good place for the night.

Well, the next day, at the K-Mart, where they were already playing the Christmas music some two days after the Presidential Election, I found a copy for the aforementioned flick in a cheap bin.

Now, this is a movie that I've seen a couple or three times prior to that early morning hour last week, and while I didn't hate it, I never found it notable enough to care one way or the other. I'd seen enough to be conversant in the never know when you're going to need to discuss Mel Gibson's early work with the President or the Pope, if only to seem culturally literate.

Suffice it to say, I never saw the need to run out and pick this flick up.

But, it struck a nerve in that early morning hour, with me decompressing from a day at work (it may have been the night the freezer's compressors went out, and I was thusly feeling a little "man against the world...").

I bought it, like I say.

And now, I cannot stop watching this flick.

I've had it on in the background, as I get ready for work in the mornings.

I'm starting to memorize the flick. Not just lines of dialogue, mind you. A couple more viewings, and I'll probably be able to quote the whole flick, including fight sequences.

Troubling? Maybe. To my own mind, only because I don't have a LOT of spare time to devote to trashy Mel Gibson/Tina Turner flicks....

It'll pass. These minor obsessions always do.

Still. I amuse myself....

Saturday, November 08, 2008

Alphabetical Favorites....

Alphabetical Favorites...

Got this one from Sheila...

Ended up thinking on this one most of the night. Had a twofold problem. First, certain letters were clogged with favorites...B, C and S were all troublesome for having so many choices. Other letters, I had trouble coming up with movies I liked...X and Z had movies...Q? I can only think of three movies I've seen that started with Q (Quo Vadis, Quills and the Quick and the Dead...I've got a favorite of those, but I'm not sure I'll ever sit to watch any of the three again....)....

But, anyway....

Arsenic and Old Lace
Big Lebowski
Christmas Story
Day the Earth Stood Still
Empire Strikes Back
Field of Dreams
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Jurassic Park
Kill Bill, volume 1
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
No Country for Old Men
O Brother Where Art Thou?
Planes Trains and Automobiles
Quick and the Dead
Shawshank Redemption
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
X-Men 2
Young Frankenstein
Zero Effect

A few notes...

B was really crowded....Batman Begins pops to mind, as does Bridge on the River Kwai, but the real trouble was deciding between Blazing Saddles and Big Lebowski, both of which are up high on my list. At the end of the day, Saddles is a great, silly movie...something that doesn't get nearly enough credit to my mind. But, The Big Lebowski leaves me in a better place philosophically, any time I see, it gets the nod.

C was also crowded, and I very nearly put Kevin Smith's Clerks at the top of the list....but I've realized that A Christmas Story has crept to the top of my favorite movies list....

D was another...Dark Knight's way up on my list, right now, and Dr. Strangelove is another all-time favorite (I'm getting the feeling that if I actually tried to make a Top 100 list, I'd end up with 339 movies...). I thought about trying to be funny and put Disorderlies right here...

F....Field of Dreams just barely beats Fargo...Fargo would have made 4 Coen movies in my Alphabetical list....But Field of Dreams is another one of those that puts me in a better place philosophically....

I....Indiana Jones just beat Iron Giant right here. The Incredibles is another good one....

J....Jurassic Park's a cool movie. It just didn't have a lot of competition in its category.

L....Of the three Lord of the Rings movies, I've watched this one the most. Just missing the cut: Last Picture Show

M....Sometimes I forget just how much I like Holy Grail. I hadn't watched it for probably 5 years before I saw it again on the big screen last spring, at which time I was still able to quote it line for line....The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance is just behind Holy Grail, as is Monty Python's The Meaning of Life

P....I had Pulp Fiction down right here, but changed it at the last minute. Mostly for this scene, which I believe to be maybe My Favorite funny scene ever...

Q...yeah. Not even Sam Raimi's best.

R...This one was a coinflip. I went with Rashomon because I had Last Crusade under "I," but Raiders of the Lost Ark is an all time great....Rear Window also just missed....Disney's Robin Hood also got some thought....

S...was really, really crowded. Since i had Empire Strikes Back on the list, I went ahead and put Shawshank, which I've probably watched more since it was released than any other flick....other contenders: Superman 2, Star Trek: the Wrath of Khan and Super Troopers, which received a minute's worth of consideration....

T...Tombstone made it so that Val Kilmer can never do any wrong in my eyes ever again...

U....UHF is just a silly masterpiece. I love it. Don't get me wrong...Usual Suspects is a great flick, and I give it all the credit for giving me the biggest okeydoke I ever got...I love it when a flick makes me swing so badly on a curveball...but UHF just keeps blowing one gag after the next right at you with an amazing amount of's just so underrated....Unbreakable also gets a little consideration...I know a lot of people shit on Shymalan, but this one's going to go down as his best, and a classic.

Now that I think of it...comedy is just a series of okeydokes....

Followed quickly by:

W...Willie Wonka just beat Wizard of Oz. Barely.

Y...I had Yojimbo down, but dammit Young Frankenstein is just so great....

Z...Zero Effect is another extremely underrated one....Bill Pullman doesn't do enough comedy to get credit for being the terrific physical comedian he's all about timing, and his is second to none....

If you play along, drop me a note in comments....

Friday, November 07, 2008

Not quite Track 3 on Hell's Soundtrack

Not quite Track 3 on Hell's Soundtrack

I love Fark like the circus.

This one wouldn't make the Hell's Soundtrack album cut, because the visual component is such a large part of what's going on here.

And like Fark said...I did go briefly insane around the 2 minute mark.

As Big As a Hat....

As Big As A Hat...

I'm thinking Bob and Tom, but it may be another national program, is putting out a joke that people are looking for on a fairly regular basis, now....Once or twice a week, I'll wake up to find 30-40 google searches for "big as a hat..."

It's notable because I average 70-90 hits a day, and these bump me healthily back up into triple digits. So, Thanks for stopping by!

Anyway...after a quick search, I'm finding that I just have the punchline listed on the blog, in a post three years back on my favorite punchlines, but not the joke itself. And because the number of people who have been searching for information on Tommy Lee's private parts have eased up of late, I feel more inclined to oblige these fine folks on their search.

So, without further's the joke, as I heard it back in the day....

A man walks into a bar. It's been a while, so he's looking to find a little action. After a few beers, he gets up courage to start talking to the women in the bar, but he as little success. He's shot down time after time.

After several more beers, he sidles up to one of the bar's regulars. They begin chatting. She's matching him beer for beer, and she's making him laugh between drags of her Marlboro 100's.

Happy with his success, and emboldened by the alcohol, he says to the lady "You know, I'm kinda lonely. The conversation's nice, but I'd kinda like a little pussy..."

She takes a swig of her beer, and a drag off her smoke. "You know," she says, "so would I. Mine's as big as a hat..."

I should mention this: This is not exactly how I heard the joke when Randy Pearcy told it to me in the Outer Limits comic shop in Murfreesboro....his version ends "so would I....mine's as big as a washbasin..."

I think I like Randy's version better.

Edit, at 3:13 AM....I now see that Bob and Tom are calling their 2008 Compilation album "As Big As A Hat."

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle....

Yo Joe.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Concentration and Incongruity

Concentration and Incongruity...

I ate eggs for breakfast. This is something I do despite knowing that a.) it makes my skin break out and b.) they make me cantankerously flatulent. Seriously, it's like I'm frightening skunks, and then setting them ablaze.

Then, I ate rice and beans for lunch.

Because I'm that bright a guy.

And because rice and beans go well under a nice plate of pollo diablo.

I think I'm a freighter crash away from being declared a toxic accident.

So, I wandered around today, taking care at what points I would squat or otherwise contort my torso so that I would not do so in such a way that a yellowish puff of hellbred nasty might squirt forth (or aft, as it were), peeling paint and losing friends along the way.

It was a beautiful day here in southeast Tennessee. Sunny. Near 80. The colors in the trees are beyond my limited abilities to describe, at this point. It's a truly wonderful time to be living in this neck of the woods.....

It was with my windows down that I rode today, listening to the radio. I wore shorts and a t-shirt, and was actually, at one point, a little warm wearing just that.

It was during that time that I wandered into the K-Mart here in Athens. I walked in, letting the tint fade from my Transitions lenses, wondering at what kind of wintry rubberband snapback we're looking at down the road, telling myself I should enjoy it while I'm wearing shorts and t-shirts in the first week of November....

All that was thrown into a different, sharper relief when I realized what I was hearing in the K-Mart....

Good God...they've got the Christmas music going.

It's not surprising, I suppose, but still, as warm as the day was, it made me just stop and wonder.

And feel for those working in the store.

Don't know if you've ever worked retail.

There's an odd osmotic relationship I have with the Muzak we play in our store, and various conversations have borne out that many retail workers have similar experiences.

We do not actively listen to the music being spouted on the Muzak.

But we absorb it.

And on some level, it affects us.

Slow music, designed one would reckon, to slow shoppers down a touch, to make them buy more? That's a bitch to work to.

And on another level...though we don't particularly like or dislike a song being played day-in and day-out, we tend to absorb it. We learn the song. We deconstruct it. We know the words, perhaps better than the artist. All by constant, near subliminal repetition....

And the Christmas music?

I won't lie to you. Working retail in the holidays is rough. People wander around, short-fused, at their wit's end, and we live in a society where it's almost acceptable to take frustrations out on retail workers...

And whether we realize it, some of us start making a connection between the negativity, and the Christmas music, which some of our stores play earlier, and earlier each year.

K-Mart beat my store to the punch, at least...

It's scary, though. There's a connection I make. I can't speak for everybody. But I make it. It's Pavlovian, almost. I hear Christmas music, and I start swinging....

Suffice it to say, a certain large-framed, smelly-farting, ass-kicking machine isn't allowed in the Athens K-Mart, anymore.

The buttkicking commenced when Randy Travis's rendition of "Rockin' ARound the Christmas Tree" hit my ears....

Keep that in mind.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Idle Thoughts....

Idle Thoughts....

His agent says Greg Maddux is almost certain to retire....

How cool would it be to have Maddux, Glavine and Smoltz hit the Hall at the same time?

That might be one I'd head to Cooperstown for....

Last I'd heard, though, Tommy and John were both going to try to give it a go next year...

The Second Track on the Soundtrack to Hell....

The Second Track on the Soundtrack to Hell....

I was offput, but I watched the whole thing, and a few minutes later was whistling the Indiana Jones theme.....


Monday, November 03, 2008



Just a note...more than 35% of the registered voters in McMinn County voted early (10660 out of 29754 registered..._. There's speculation that before it's said and done, we could see an 80% turnout here in my neck of the woods. I don't know if the numbers will be that high (though the trends for my county's primaries have shown that in the neighborhood of 20% more people in this neck of the woods vote on election day than, if those numbers bear out....)

As worn out and irritated as election cycles seem to get me (and not just this one, mind you), I'm feeling oddly optimistic here. I a world where the public seems to care more about who's singing on American Idol, it's a little refreshing to see people giving a damn...even if it's just once every four years, and even if I find the temerity to question the reasoning of just about everydamnbody....

As for me?

Well, I've gotten accused of throwing my vote away this fall. I voted my conscience. Instead of voting for the lesser of two evils, I voted for the man I agreed most with, philosophically. So, when the totals are published a week from now for Athens City and McMinn County, one of the (and possibly the only) votes in my precinct for Bob Barr came from yours, truly....

I couldn't get behind one of the big horses this year. I'm not going to list reasons why, mostly because I can't seem to discuss anything without it degenerating into a clusterfuck of an argument. Suffice it to say, I didn't find inspiration from either candidate, at least, not enough to spend my time denouncing the evils of the other side. When it came to the big dogs, we're once again talking about a turd sandwich and a giant douchebag....

There's a flip side to the coin...

Four years ago, I received my only ceremonial de-linking.

I try not to take this blogging shit too seriously, but, as with most things with a borderline obsessive-compulsive, there was digging involved with this one.

I am not a fan of our current administration. It disagrees with both my fiscally conservative and socially liberal view of the world.

However, in 2004, I did not see John Kerry (whom I referred to at Eric's blogmeet as the giant foreheaded monstrosity--not out of a particular animosity, but because I had a few beers in me and I'm shit for names even stone cold sober....) as an improvement.

My point...and I do have that I did not and do not see rooting for the other side to lose as being completely synonymous with rooting for my side to win, and vice versa.

As crazy as it sounds to my own ear, and as much as my friends will probably argue with me, all things being equal, I consider myself an optimist. I'd rather not utilize my time and energy toward pushing a negative. As such, I did not write post after post denouncing George Bush in the last election. Let alone the fact that it doesn't generally agree with the tone of whatever the hell I do here, I just didn't feel like wasting breath or keystrokes on the whole deal.

Well....I got delinked by a fairly large former blog in this neck of the woods...when I researched the reasons, it came back that I'd not done my part to help in the Anti-Bush cause....and now we had the man back in office for another four years. Instead of pushing for John Kerry, I was content to write about Cubs baseball and tell fart jokes.

My response? I'd done as much with my fart jokes for the the cause as he had preaching to the choir....I'd persuaded just as many voters as he had.

I went further to say that I don't link to any particular blog because it agrees with any particular ideal of mine (unless it's Chicago Cubs fandom). I generally link to a blog because I like the person, the writing, and generally both....

That's a stance I take still, and have in the very nearly six years I've been keeping this sumbitch alive.

Dammit, I'm a rambling asshole.

Anyway. I voted my conscience.

And, at the end of the day, that's all I can really ever advocate for any of you. I am one of those soppy sunsabitches who gets a little irritated if you're not registered to vote (my aborted attempt to run for City Council being current reason numero uno...), or you just don't feel like getting out and fighting the crowd. Even if you don't like the choices, make that sentiment heard. Or hell, write yourself's what I did in the State race where Mike Bell is running unopposed....

Point is, there are a few billion people out there on this little blue ball that would trade for the opportunity....but I get kinda paranoid when I hear people talking in other languages and laughing, so I'd rather keep you folks around for a while.

Go vote, you assholes!