Friday, November 11, 2005

Thoughts From the Ass End of the Night, 11/11 Edition

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night, 11/11 Edition

Yet another in the irregular series of can't-sleep-middle-of-the-night-rambling posts from your old pal Tommy....

I think we've been having an insomnia post once every three weeks, give or take, around these parts; this is just par for the course....

Haven't been sleeping well for a couple of nights. And it's the frustrating kind of not sleeping.

My insomnia is almost always of the type where I'll go to bed the regular time, and sleep fine for three, four, maybe even five hours. Then, I'll wake up. Sometimes it's to go take a whiz. Sometimes it's to let the cat or the dog out. Sometimes it's just because I wake up. But make no mistake. I am awake.

Sometimes, I just won't be sleepy anymore. I can lie there for hours on end, and not fall back to sleep. Those nights are the ones I'll end up just getting up to read, or maybe watch a movie. The drawback to all this is that just because I'm not sleepy at 3:30 in the morning doesn't mean I won't be sleepy at, say, 3:30 that next afternoon. Usually, I'll be alright. Drink a couple cups of coffee when I start getting tired again.

Tonight's brand of not-sleep is the frustrating sort. I woke up around 3:15. Had to use the toilet. Laid back down. Tired. Sleepy. Sure as shit that I'm going to fall right back to sleepyland (perhaps right back into the dream I was having about a conversation with a convenience store clerk about bears).

And every time I get right on the verge of sleep...I'd wake back up. My mind going on about some damn thing. Something at work. The book I'm reading now. A conversation I had at dinner yesterday. And I'll realize that because my mind is still working, I'm still awake.

That's where I'm at right now. I can feel how tired I am. I feel like I could just lie down and sleep for a good six or seven hours. But I'm not sure if I would go back to sleep, even if I did lie back down. I'm also horribly cognizant of the fact that my alarm's set to go off a little more than an hour from right now. If I were to sleep, I'm not sure I would feel much better after an hour's more sleep than I do right now.

And I feel pretty rank, right now.

I dunno. On nights like tonight, that's usually when I'll get up to write something here. I've got a vague notion that it's nights like tonight that something's bothering me, and I've just not been able to pin down exactly what it is.

I ain't necessarily the most self aware sumbitch there is.

So usually I'll get up and write something. Sometimes for the blog. Sometimes in the journal. Sometimes for a story. You know, see if I can somehow pull the plug on whatever's stopping up the mental drainpipe. Yep...what you're reading is sort of a mental purgative.

Big Stupid Tommy...putting the crap in my head onto the internet...

Maybe that's what's bothering me. I don't have a decent writing project going. In fact, I haven't written anything substantial for a while.

Maybe that's it.

Like I said, this makes a couple nights in a row. Last night, it wasn't much of a problem. I was off work Thursday. I could just sleep in. I was awake from about 4 in the morning to 6, or so. Fell back to sleep, and slept until 10 and I didn't have to worry too much about it.

Today, I gotta wander to the work around 7, which generally means up around 5:45.

Crazy how good at the maths you get when you're calculating how long you can sleep.

"Damn, it's 3:18. I gotta get up in two hours, twenty-seven minutes....and 11 seconds...."

I'm thinking I'm just gonna stay up...


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