Monday, May 08, 2006

That Soccer Commercial....

That Soccer Commercial...

Hola! And Welcome to Ocho de Mayo!

You know that soccer commercial that's been running on ESPN, the one that I think's advertising the World Cup? The one that's playing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" in the background?

That commercial really pisses me off.

Guys, this is America. And in America, we have enough money to afford equipment. Even the poor people can scrounge a bat and glove from the Goodwill, if need be.

In America, we don't have to play low-rent, mindless, cheapass games like soccer.

Have some pride, will ya?

Do you know why soccer is so popular worldwide? Because it's cheap. Costs nothing, almost. The equipment? A Ball. And if you don't have a ball, you can substitute a human head. And how civilized is that? Soccer is for animals.

And I'm sorry as hell that the rest of the world is so bored, yet so full of energy that they have nothing better to do than run at full speed for an hour and a half chasing a ball around a field. Maybe they should get jobs! We're outsourcing here in the USofA! How about channeling that energy into fixing my computer or answering questions about my credit?

Soccer's a sport for the ignorant. You run and run and run and run, and then you run some more. You finally get the ball. What's the rule in soccer? You can't touch the balls with your hands. Must have been invented by the clergy.

It's a kids' game. It's got simple rules, as we've said, and you can learn them in right about 7 seconds. Baseball? Ever gone to a ballgame, had an umpire call a balk, and have half the stadium wondering what the fuck just happened? Mark my words, a soccer player, let alone its fans, would have his brain explode trying to wrap his mind around the complexities of the balk!

And honestly, while we're on the subject, what kind of sport is it when the fans are called "hooligans" and are the most interesting part of the game?

Seriously. Leave soccer to the third world countries and the kids who throw like girls.

If Allan H. "Bud" Selig, the car salesman ostensibly in charge of our game, was any kind of commissioner, he'd call for an all-out war against this soccer menace, for stealing our song. Bring the big guns. Big Papi. the Big Unit. Hell, I think Clemens would show up. Show a little solidarity. Destroy that bullshit sport. Rip it limb from limb. Burn it to the ground, and spread salt over the ashes.

But then, Bud Selig's never really been any kind of commissioner.

I hate that commercial and that bullshit game.

And also cauliflower. I don't know what the correlation is, but I'm sure there is one.


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