Leslie Easterbrook = Readers

Leslie Easterbrook = Readers

I can always tell when a Police Academy movie's been on TV. Even if it's at 3 AM...perhaps especially if it's on at 3 AM...I always get an upswing of search engine hits looking for pictures of Leslie Easterbrook. Today was no different.

So. Welcome to all you Lt. Callahan fans who must have caught her performance in Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow on Comedy Central this morning. Sorry to disappoint. No pictures here. I could find one and post it, but I tend to think that would be a tease. So, just goofy schlock here.

I like to imagine the guy who gets really pissed off when he can't find Leslie Easterbrook pictures, and just finds my crap. But then, they were just watching a Police Academy movie, so who the hell are they to judge?

Howdy: a rambling, pointless post

Howdy: a rambling, pointless post

Just a few random thoughts, as I drink a cup of coffee (black and think about the week that was.

If you're like me, you get to October 31 each year, and you half to ask yourself one simple question: Where the hell did October go?

I don't have much to say today. I finished my vacation yesterday, and I'll head back to work this afternoon.

As vacations go, I can't complain. It was a good one. Got to go somewhere. I'd been feeling like I'd worn a pretty good rut for myself, so it was fun to get out of that rut, and go do something else. And it's also re-taught me that a routine isn't necessarily always good.

Mostly, it's allowed me to relax and take a step back. Let me see a bigger bit of the forest, instead of just a couple of the trees.

-----

Caught up on a couple of movies this week.

The Nice people at Netflix sent me Rear Window, which I hadn't seen in several years. It's weird how perceptions change in a movie. I was probably 16 or 17 the first time I saw Rear Window, I didn't root for Jimmy Stewart's Jefferies believing every word that L.B. Jefferies was saying, and was happy when Stella and Lisa get in on the act and work to get the bad guy.

This time, I watched and I found myself laughing at Stella and Lisa, and how they get drawn into L.B.'s wheelchair-bound world. I knew how the movie ended, but I kinda wished it had ended as some manner of lesson on the dangers of voyeurism. Somehow, we'd find that everything Lars Thorwald was saying was true.

----

I also watched Below. Some of you have Netflix. Do you ever find something on your queue that you don't remember putting there? Well, it's not that I didn't remember putting the movie on my queue, but I couldn't remember why.

And then, I wasn't paying a lot of attention to my list, and it crept its way to the front, and got shipped to me.

And then, I misplaced it. I'd taken it out of the envelope, and I wandered around reading the description on the movie sleeve. And then I set it next to the computer, where it promptly got covered up with my messy existance. So, I wandered around a good part of the week wondering where the hell I put the movie.

Well, I found it while cleaning up.

I figured out that I'd gotten it because Darren Aronofsky had a hand in the script. Plus, it features Olivia Williams, from Rushmore and The Postman, a personal favorite, so I figured it deserved the benefit of the doubt.

I liked it. It has a real energy. Its story appeals to both the ghost story fan and the revenge story fan in me.

It's not for everybody. It's kinda cheesy, and there are far too many around who can't forgive that. I'll say this, too: I'm not big on naval history, but there were a couple of things just from my own tourism experience that bugged me about the submarine the sailors are manning. A little too roomy.

But on the whole, it's worth a watch, in my book.

Plus, I spent the whole movie arguing with myself as to whether the character of Weird Wally was Zach Galifianakis or not. Turns out it was....

----

Been taking the second season of Arrested Development a couple episodes at a time. I missed a lot of the second season, owing to work and other schedule conflicts. As in the first season, I missed the whole arc with Julia Louis Dreyfuss. So far, her stuff has been the high point.

Tobias hasn't had much to do plotwise. Mostly, he stays in the background. But he's had some of the funniest bits of the season. But when he comes in after washing the Blue Man Group paint off, and he still has the paint behind his ears, I cracked up. I liked the little bits, too, where you could see he'd painted himself, and the parts he couldn't reach (between his shoulder blades) were flesh colored. Great stuff.

Andy Richter's cameo, with the sandwich? That's comic gold, people. Comic. Gold.

----

Let's go wander off into the day...

How Average Am I?

How Average Am I

See, what you do is take this list, and then cross off the things that exclude you from the list of things that an average American is:

Eats peanut butter at least once a week
Prefers smooth peanut butter over chunky
Can name all Three Stooges
Lives within a 20-minute drive of a Wal-Mart
Eats at McDonald's at least once a year
Takes a shower for approximately 10.4 minutes a day
Never sings in the shower
Lives in a house, not an apartment or condominium
Has a home valued between $100,000 and $300,000
Has fired a gun
Is between 5 feet and 6 feet tall
Weighs 135 to 205 pounds
Is between the ages of 18 and 53
Believes gambling is an acceptable entertainment option
Grew up within 50 miles of current home

I'm a little more average than I thought.

A brief note on the peanut butter: I go through phases. Sometimes, I like creamy. Sometimes I like crunchy. Currently, I enjoy crunchy peanut butter. It's really a tossup. I crossed it off the list owing to that I was confronted with just how average I am, and I had to do something to make myself unique (as if being able to lift a pickup truck one-handed didn't do that already....)

Also, if I boogie, I live within 20 minutes of two Wal-Marts. But really, that's all relative, ain't it?

Seen here...

Death of the Enumerator/Happy Birthday Teddy Roosevelt

Death of the Enumerator/Happy Birthday Teddy Roosevelt

I wrote this a couple of years ago, on what would have been Teddy Roosevelt's 145th birthday. Well, today would be #147. Of course, no President could live that long. Except for James Buchanan. Who's still alive, and lives three houses down from me.

Anyway...Happy Birthday to the Illustrious T.R.

From October 27, 2003....

Death of the Enumerator--A Short Play

Dramatis Personae

Edwinus, the Ternary Enumerator of the High Court of his Royal Majesty
Krimdall, the Stablekeep of the High Court
Dan, the Stable Boy, who is 6'7" and 37 years old.
Theodore Roosevelt, who is celebrating on this day his 145th birthday

The Setting

The Stables of His Royal Majesty (King Bob the Indomitable). On Tuesday. Two-ish.

Scene, the first

(Krimdall and Dan are eating lunch, at a round wooden table)

Edwinus (enters the stable area) o: Good Day, Stablekeep. I'm here to count the apes.

Krimdall (through a mouthful of food): We have no apes, here. We have only horses. And a cow. And a couple of chickens. And (points to Dan) the stableboy. But no apes.

Edwinus: None?

Krimdall: Just horses. And the other things.

Edwinus (opening his ledger): I don't believe you, what is your name?

Krimdall (rises from his table, where he is eating with Dan): My name is Krimdall. You know that Eddie.

Edwinus (making a note): Good for you. My name is Edwinus.

Krimdall (pointedly): Do you have other business have you here, crowfoot?

Edwinus: Crowfoot?

Dan: You 'eard 'im!

Krimdall (to Dan): SHUT YOUR CREMDIDLIENT MOUTH, WHELP!
(to Edwinus): Crowfoot is an old English expression, meaning "Man with a Vulva."

Edwinus (rolling his eyes): Must everybody make jokes about that?

Krimdall: I tend to think so, yes.

Edwinus (explaining): There was magic involved. I was cursed.

Krimdall: Well, I kind of guessed, since I've been kicked by horses a few times, and never once did it cause me to grow female genitalia.

Edwinus: Um.....yes.

(There is an uncomfortable, protracted silence, like when grandma begins discussing her favorite porn during Thanksgiving dinner)

Dan (breaking the silence): Why is 'e 'ere? Is 'e talkin' about apes?

Krimdall (raising his hand to the boy): SO HELP ME JEEBUS!

Edwinus (stopping Krimdall): Stay your hand, Stableman! And use not the Man-Jeebus's name in vain.

Krimdall: You're right. My apologies.

Edwinus: Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Jeebus.

Krimdall (taking a penitent stance): I'm sorry Jeebus.

Theodore Roosevelt (entering, stage left): s'cool!

Dan (rising from his seat): 'Ey! You ain't Jeebus!

(The Illustrious T.R. takes his baseball glove off, and slaps Dan with it).

Edwinus, Krimdall (together): Good morrow, Mr. President.

T.R. (putting his glove in place): Ahh! Gracias, mi amigos. Donde esta el bano, por favor? (placing a hand against his stomach) No mas chalupas...ay!

(Krimdall points off stage)

T.R. (pulling his football helmet off): Much obliged.

Edwinus: Oh, Mr. President?

T.R. (pausing): Yes?

Edwinus: Happy birthday.

T.R.: Ass kisser.

(T.R. exits)

Krimdall: Now, about those apes.

Edwinus: So, you admit that they're here?

Krimdall: Well. We have one. But he's really rather ornery.

Edwinus: Ornery?

Dan: He got quite cross with me when we played Connect 4 this morning.

Edwinus (quietly incredulous): He plays Connect 4?

Krimdall: He cheats.

Dan: 'e does cheat. That's why he got cross with me when I called 'im on it. He damn near killed me.

Krimdall: Yep. Tore Dan's arm off and hit him with it.

(Dan displays a stump, proudly, and Edwinus is a little disgusted)

Edwinus: Perhaps you should visit the apothecary about that.

Dan: Can't. Not on the insurance for another month.

Edwinus: Pity.

Dan: Yeah. Got a daughter at home's had the rickets something terrible.

Krimdall: Would you like to see it?

Edwinus (disgusted): What? The Rickets?

Krimdall: No, Crowfoot. The Ape.

(Edwinus ponders this. For quite a long time, actually. In fact, Krimdall has left his lunch break, and is hard at work by the time Edwinus makes up his mind, some 39 minutes later).

Scene, the second: 39 minutes later

Edwinus: Marvelous. May I see him?

Krimdall (from the back of the stable): Beg pardon?

Edwinus: May I see the ape?

Krimdall (reminded): Oh. Certainly. Dan! Get the key!

(Dan walks over to Krimdall, takes the key off Krimdall's belt, and gives it to Krimdall)

Krimdall: What do you say?

Dan: Thank you. (under his breath): Jeebus.

(Edwinus violently slaps the boy. Krimdall kicks him once for good measure. Since Dan is so huge, it affects him little at all.)

Edwinus: Don't take the Man-Jeebus' name in vain.

Krimdall: Yeah!

(Krimdall directs Edwinus to a door, moves to unlock it)

Krimdall: Now, I have three rules about seeing the ape. One: No cussing. Two: No overt references to any Brit-Coms. He has a terrible aversion to anything coming off the BBC, and I don't want to have to be cleaning intestines, again. Stops the hell out of the sink.

(There is a pause)

And third: Don't mention anything about his wings.

Edwinus: His wings?

Krimdall: His wings. He's really sensitive.

Edwinus: Okay.

(Krimdall opens the door. Edwinus enters. After 22 minutes, he comes out)

Krimdall: What did you think?

Edwinus: He beat me at Connect 4.

Krimdall: Did he cheat?

Edwinus: No. He beat me fairly each of the four times. Really rather remarkable.

Krimdall (nodding): Yep. Did you play red or black?

Edwinus: Black. Like my soul.

Krimdall: I guessed as such. By the way. Dan's dead. I think it's the Plague. It really messed his arm up.

Edwinus: I thought the ape ripped his arm off.

Krimdall: Oh yeah. You're right.

(Suddenly, T.R. bursts onto the scene)

T.R. (screaming): Deus ex Machina! Deus ex Machina!

(T.R. takes a samurai sword from the sheath on his back. With a quick slice, he eviscerates Edwinus. Blood sprays in a gush that drenches Krimdall.)

T.R. (screaming still, at the audience): I Am the God in the Machine!

(Exeunt, through the audience, T.R. occasionally loosening the intestines of random audience members, all the while singing Happy Birthday To Me).


The End.

Moral: Sometimes, it just seems funny to write "vulva," and then other bad stuff happens, and you get a story that makes absolutely no sense, and you get to a point where you just want to go to bed.

Good night, everybody.

Tonight's Funny

Tonight's Funny

There's nothing like a good joke.

And this is nothing like a good joke...but it made me laugh....

Two buddies go duck hunting.

They had been hunting for a while when one has to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It knocks his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in the crotch!

His buddy freaks out and loads him up in the pickup and starts speeding toward town and the nearest hospital. They finally get him into surgery and he's there for almost four hours.

When he wakes up he starts calling for the doctor. The doctor finally comes in and the guy says, "Doc, am I going to O.K.?"

The doctor says, "Well, there was a lot of buckshot damage. I was able to repair most of it. But now I think you need to see my brother."

The guy says, "Oh, is your brother a doctor, too?"

"No," the doctor says. "He's a flute player, and he can show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye!"

A Baseball Thought or three

A Baseball Thought or three

Well. The White Sox win the pennant. Funny how far that timely hitting and good pitching takes you. I wonder if anybody on the North Side's paying attention.

I didn't watch the end of the game. Taped it. Gotta get the car salesman outta the commissioner's seat. No telling how many fans we're losing because the kids can't stay up to watch the games....

Okay. Let's focus on the northsiders getting a tablesetter or two for the top of the order, and a couple of setup guys who can throw an inning without loading up the bases....

More Vacation Pictures

More Vacation Pictures



Outside the Hall.



Why I went to the Hall.



Ryno



A note from Sandy Alderson.

Vacation, by the numbers

Vacation, by the numbers

1

Car

Baseball Hall of Fame Seen

2

Idiots in our car

Number of times I had to repeat myself to the clerk at the Citgo station in Pompey, New York. My southern accent is not that thick, but it was enough to confuse that lady, that day....

2.27

Lowest price seen for regular gas, somewhere around Staunton, Virginia

2.83

Highest price seen for regular gas, seen in Syracuse, New York

3

Number of places we had to stop in Binghamton, New York to find coffee on the ride back.

Number of times I had to re-try to take the picture of the mudflaps on a transfer truck that read "Show Me Your Hooters."

4

Days Gone

5

Fill-ups needed (though the fifth came a couple hours from home, so it should hardly count)....

Number of different kinds of beers sampled and/or brought back from New York (Labatt's, Labatt's Light, Spaten, Yuengling, Saranack). Beware the Spaten. It's extra good. It's got a kick like a mule.

6

States Driven Through (Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania and New York)

7

Number of times Steven's Grandmother asked if she could fix me something to eat.

11

Number of times his Grandmother asked if she could fix him something to eat.

12

Miles out of our way one exit marker took us. A word of warning: there is no Burger King in Buchanan, Virginia. That sumbitch is actually 6 miles (and 2 interstate exits) down the road, in Boteteart (pronounced hereafter as "Botard"). Why the blue signs Virginia puts near the exits say there's a Burger King there is beyond me.

12.5

Hours it took us to get from Niota, TN to Lafayette, NY on Saturday

15.25

Hours it took us to get from Lafayette, NY to Niota, TN on Tuesday

19

Deer seen dead by the interstate (with 13 coming in Pennsylvania alone)

19 years, 7 months

Age of Polly Reed when she died in 1817...her headstone was among those we saw when visiting a cemetary near Steven's grandmother's house....

60

Our average speed through Pennsylvania.

66

Approximate height, in inches, of the ceiling of the room where I slept

75

My height, in inches, give or take.

Interstate we rode from Niota to just above Knoxville.

80

Average speed through most areas of the country, except Pennsylvania.

81

Interstate we rode from just above Knoxville to just below Syracuse, New York.

124

Pennsylvania Exit Number along Interstate 81. Perhaps the most confusing cloverleaf of roads ever put to pavement. We just needed to find a toilet. It took us five minutes to navigate the confusing number of twists and turns before we finally made it to McDonald's. I recommend avoiding this one, unless you're local.

172

Virginia Exit Number along Interstate 81, where we had to wander across hill and dale to find food and a pot to piss in.

204

Pictures Taken

1800+

Miles Driven Total

1812

Earliest date of death (i.e. longest resident) I could find in the cemetary near Steven's Grandmother's house.

17 million

Number of snowflakes seen in Pennsylvania

What I Saw at The Hall of Fame

What I Saw at the Hall of Fame



Ooooh....Fancy.....

Maps, and stuff

Maps, and stuff

Bumped this back up to the top for a few days. I like maps. Give it a click this weekend while I'm up in the New York....

Saw this at Missives Anonymous:



Probably gonna replace the guestmap. I like this better. Because it's cool.

Because I's done packing

Because I's done packing...

Gotta pack three changes of clothes. Gotta contemplate the colder weather (highs in the forties). Got the music packed. I think I'm ready to go see some New York.

Anyway....A meme...

It's a list of S.F. movies, and you're supposed to put in boldface the ones you've seen. Why? Why not?

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!
Akira
Alien
AliensAlphaville
Back to the Future
Blade Runner
Brazil
Bride of Frankenstein
Brother From Another Planet
A Clockwork Orange
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
ContactThe Damned
Destination Moon
The Day The Earth Stood Still
Delicatessen
Escape From New York
ET: The Extraterrestrial
Flash Gordon: Space Soldiers (serial)
The Fly (1985 version)
Forbidden PlanetGhost in the Shell
Gojira/Godzilla
The Incredibles
Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956 version)
Jurassic Park
Mad Max 2/The Road Warrior
The Matrix
MetropolisOn the Beach
Planet of the Apes (1968 version)
RobocopSleeper
Solaris (1972 version)
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
The Stepford Wives
Superman
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
The Thing From Another WorldThings to Come
Tron
12 Monkeys
28 Days Later
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
2001: A Space OdysseyLa Voyage Dans la Lune
War of the Worlds (1953 version)

I wouldn't have thought I'd have seen so many...

I saw the list at Sheila's, who saw it at Dan's. Dan's put a little thought into some other SciFi type classics...

I gotta say that Fifth Element and They Live both deserve citation in any pantheon of notable Sci Fi flicks, and I'd add to the list Stargate....

I will also note, in the interest of full disclosure, that I own a copy of Hell Comes to Frogtown.....and I love it like a brother....

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night

Thoughts from the Ass End of the Night

Hey! An Insomnia Post. Once a staple of what the staff did here at Big Stupid Tommy, it returns for what we hope is a one night engagement....

Reason for being awake at 4 in the morning? They've been passing this bitch of a cold around at work for the last couple or three weeks. You can track the progression, from person to person. I've managed to avoid it, until yesterday evening, when I felt a scratchy feeling in my throat and a dull throb in my head. I woke up about an hour ago to use what we call "the commode" and found that I couldn't breathe through my nose, and that my eyes itched and my throat had gotten worse.

Luckily for everyone, it seems to just last 24 hours or so, and then pass on.

This is how it always worked my four years at my last job, though. I'd usually get one cold (or something) a year, and then only while I was on vacation. Ain't that a bitch? There's something psychological going on there. And I don't appreciate it. This bullshit where I won't let myself get sick while there's work to be done.

If I'm going to be sick, I want to be sick on somebody else's time, especially if this is the first vacation I've taken in 2 years.

-----

Like I said, I'm going on vacation starting tomorrow. My buddy Steven and I are trucking up to Cooperstown, and I'm hoping my talk of a cold isn't dissuading him....

We're going to stay with his family. It's an opportunity for him to catch up with them, and it's not hotel lodging for me. I can remember a time when staying at a hotel/motel was just about the coolest thing on the planet. Now I find myself avoiding them if at all possible....

Heading to Baseball's Hall of Fame. This is fulfilling a promise to myself I made back when Ryne Sandberg was getting inducted earlier this year. I'd told myself for years and years that when Sandberg got inducted, I'd be there. Because somebody quit at work and left us shortstaffed on the management end, I didn't get to take my vacation then, and missed it.

Now I'm going. I've never been to the Hall. Looking forward to it.

The plan is to drive up Saturday. Hang out with Steven's family
Sunday, and hit the Hall on Monday.

-----

Anybody else thinking The Colbert Report is just The Shit? I love that show.

-----

The nice folks at Netflix sent me the Family Guy/Stewie Griffin movie. Maybe I just needed the comic relief, but the whole drunken Stewie bit made me laugh until I cried. I won't spoil it, but when Brian drags him from the room, I had to stop and rewind the DVD...I was laughing so hard I missed what happened next....

Family Guy is still hit or miss with me. It's why I waited on Netflix instead of rushing out to buy. But this one's fairly spot on. There's some good stuff there.....

-----

Chris visited the Gulf Coast, and he noted just how much college football talk he's finding on the radio down there. As somebody who's had it up to his noseholes with the Tennessee/Alabama talk this week....

The Knoxville sports talk station switched over to Fox Radio from 10-12 in the mornings and Jim Rome from 12-3. Now, I've never been a big Rome guy, but I like having a national sports radio show that'll reach down here into the boondocks. I'll still listen to the local talk every now and then. What was once 100% University of Tennessee football talk is now down to about 95% U.T. football/5% bitching about the fact that Jim Rome is on from 12-3.

And it's not Jim Rome they're complaining about. It's the fact that they don't get to talk about Tennessee football from 10 until 3, even though there's something like 14 hours of other U.T. talk the whole rest of the programming day.

And people bitch when I talk about baseball in the offseason....

----

Anyway. Like I said, I'm heading out on a trip tomorrow. I'm not going to partake of the interweb, more than likely, while I'm on the road. It'll probably be the longest I've gone without online access since the mid 90's. And it'll just be four or five days, if that tells you what kind of dork I am.

I may sit down and post something tonight, but if not, we'll see you guys on the flip side...

Because I's too tired to write stuff

Because I's too tired to write stuff...

A quiz seems to be the order of the day....

Ulysses S. Grant You scored 64 Wisdom, 43 Tactics, 72 Guts, and 53 Ruthlessness!

Like you, Grant went about the distasteful business of war realistically and grimly. His courage as a commander of forces and his powers of organization and administration made him the outstanding Northern general. Grant, though, had no problem throwing away lives on huge seiges of heavily defended positions. At times, Union casualties under Grant were over double that of the Confederacy. However, Grant was notably wise in supporting good commanders, especially Sheridan , William T. Sherman , and George H. Thomas. Made a full general in 1866, he was the first U.S. citizen to hold that rank.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 58% on Unorthodox You scored higher than 5% on Tactics You scored higher than 95% on Guts You scored higher than 69% on Ruthlessness

Link: The Which Historic General Are You Test written by dasnyds on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

A qualifier, though: I was quite a bit angry at the start of the quiz, and then I had to get up to answer the phone and feed the cats. By the time I'd returned to the quiz, I was either tired or I'd mellowed out a bit, and was caring a little more for my men than when I started.....

Seen at It Comes in Pints....

A Few Sports Thoughts

A Few Sports Thoughts

-Congratulations to the Houston Ass Trolls. They went out and played a good game of the beisbol. A good mix of veterans and rookies. They didn't let that Pujols homer take them out of it. I'd said to someone: That Pujols Homer's the type of thing that would put the Cubs into a 3 game and out slump.

It leads to a good looking World Series, in my book. It looks like pitching's gonna rule the day.

-And I've said it before. Craig Biggio is probably my favorite player not playing for the Cubs. He's loyal to a team and a town. He'll play anywhere that's needed. He gets dirty while playing. I like watching him play.

-Nothing to do with the World Series, Leo Mazzone's going to the Orioles. For my money, he's at least half the reason Bobby Cox has been the success he's been down in Atlanta. Look at the guys Atlanta's brought in and made successes out of...and more importantly, look at the guys who did well in Atlanta, who left Atlanta to go somewhere else, and flamed out (or, at least, didn't perform nearly as well) under somebody else's watch.

-Joe Girardi's managing the Marlins. He's gonna be a good one. Sloth brought up the idea of Girardi managing the Cubs in Dusty's place the middle of this last season. I couldn't argue with the thought. He's one of those smart guys you wanted to have on your team. He was like having a second manager on the field in his playing career.

Moving away from the beisbol....

-I don't follow hockey so much, but Jeremy Roenick showed up this morning on SportCenter to continue bitching about the raw deal he and the other players got where it concerned the new agreement with the owners. Maybe it's just me, and I don't have that kind of gall, but if I'm getting paid six and seven digits to play a game...any game...I don't see where you have room to bitch about anything. Ever. Especially when I'm working five and six days a week, nine and ten hours a day to make SIGNIFICANTLY less than a guy who lucked into life's lottery.

Jeremy Roenick, and quite a few guys in all pro sports, I'm thinking, need a severe dose of reality.

-And don't get me started on the dress code in the NBA. I looked up the average NBA salary, thinking it was somewhere in the six digits. According to this page, it's 4.9 mil.

Guys. If you're average Joe Schmo in the NBA, call it earning your salary. You're not getting paid 5 mil just to play basketball. You're also getting paid to represent your teammates, your organization and your league.

Here's how I'm seeing it. You want to call it racist that David Stern's making you put your retro jerseys, headphones and bling up?

Fine. It's racist.

But you're getting paid 5 million a year. Suck it up, or get out.

Me? I won't make 5 million in my life. But I suck it up and wear a shirt and tie everyday.

Funny how that works.

Wear a suit. Make 5 mil. How do I sign up?

Tuesday Top Five

Tuesday Top Five

The Top Five Characters on Perfect Strangers

1. Balki Bartokomous
2. Jennifer
3. Harriet Winslow
4. Larry Appleton
5. Donald Twinkacetti

Honorable mention to Balki's stuffed sheep Dmitri, who was indeed the focus of the series' 7 year run, but who never spoke a line.

It is a shame that Larry's girlfriend Jennifer never had a last name. The 12-Year-Old Me had this insane celebrity crush on her.

A Couple of Administrative Notes

A Couple of Administrative Notes

Holy Shit...I have administrative notes?

Fixed a couple of broken links on the sidebar, and added Steven's blog back. He took a three month respite. It was well deserved. But he's back, and he's earthquake blogging.

Updated the "I'm Reading" Amazon links on the side. I started Jean Shepherd's Fistful of Fig Newtons last night, and I'll probably get to Anansi Boys next week when I'm on vacation. The Colorado Kid isn't a bad read, even if it doesn't have a thing in the world to do with Mike Rapada....

Lastly, real life may impinge upon my ability to be on the interweb in the next week and a half. My store's got inventory this Friday, and depending on how much we're able to get done, I may not be spending a lot of time in front of a computer. Also, I'll be leaving for vacation the day after inventory. Looking around upstate New York, mostly to see baseball's Hall of Fame.

So, I'll be around, except for those days when I'm not.....

Crash

Crash

Mostly I've been using my Netflix account for TV stuff, here lately. Finding a couple of hours to sit with a movie's gotten a little harder lately. I can watch an episode of a sitcom as I get ready for work in the morning, or an episode of an hour-long show as I get ready for bed at night. I just went through the whole Fawlty Towers set, which I'd never actually seen. At night, I've been watching old episodes of Quantum Leap.

Movies? Kinda few and far between. I watched Dave last weekend. It was just one of those I'd meant to see, but had missed.

This weekend, I watched another one.

Gotta recommend Crash. I wasn't digging it at first. Everybody seemed to be fairly one dimensional. But there was something there that sucked me in. Nice ensemble. Good stuff from Matt Dillon and Thandie Newton, especially.

A couple of random thoughts, which hopefully won't spoil much.

I didn't figure out that it was Marina Sirtis playing the wife of the Persian shopkeeper. Had to see it on the movie database.

Don Cheadle is one of my favorite actors. This was not one of his strongest performances overall, in my mind, but the final scene, when his mother credits his brother with something he's done...Don gives her a look that kills.

William Fitchner. He's a guy whose name I could never remember. I don't remember where I saw him first, but it was probably an appearance on the TV show Grace Under Fire. I can remember the first time I recognized him as having seen him somewhere else. It was in Contact, where he plays Kent, the blind astronomer. He'd later show up in Armageddon, and Go, and The Perfect Storm. But he's friggin' hilarious in Drowning Mona, and it was that performance that made me look him up. Anyway. He shows up here.

I had to laugh at the whole scene where the carjacker played by Ludacris goes on a rant running down hip hop....

The only performance that rang hollow for me was Sandra Bullock's. And I can't put a real reason on it, except that I've always put her on my list of favorite comedic actors. She's one of the best physical comedians on the screen, male or female. I credit her with not wanting to be pigeonholed as an actress, but it irks me to see somebody not follow their talents. I mean, a comedian who thinks it's not a gift to make somebody laugh should watch carefully any time a dramatic actor stumble through what should be a comedic performance...Robert De Niro, I'm talking to you....

Anyway. I liked this one quite a bit. I give it a thumbs up. Three thumbs up.

Words Fail Me

Words Fail Me

You know that crazy couple who had their sixteenth kid here recently?

Just go here. Read up. It's all the internet you need to read today.

Easily the best post I've read in weeks.

Doug Eddings

Doug Eddings

I don't know many umpires names.

But I know Doug Eddings, and it surprised me to hear that he was umpiring a playoff series at all.

Doug Eddings, as far as I've seen, is a guy who loses control of situations. And often makes matters worse when he attempts to regain control of said situation. He was at the center of a couple of big Braves arguments this year, including one where he screamed at Johnny Estrada while Estrada was in his crouch.....

Tonight, Doug Eddings lost control of that situation, and opened a door for the White Sox to get back into the game.

What I'm afraid of is that a high spotlight fuckup along the lines of what Doug Eddings made tonight is going to lead to some drastic response from the Commissioner's Office, like the institution of Instant Replay in baseball.

Anyway. You can't give that Ozzie Guillen team that kind of opening. They're the cats that like to run in the door....

Three Things

Three Things

Seen At Sheila's....

THREE THINGS I DON’T UNDERSTAND:

1. Why I keep buying books when I don't read the ones I already have. Honestly, I found a used bookstore I'd never been in down in Cleveland, and I ended up buying a collection of Jean Shepherd stories and a biography of William Faulkner....let's just throw them on the mound of books I'll read when I get around too them....

2. Why we identify ourselves with our jobs so completely in this country. I ran across the obituaries today and I read the obituary of a guy who died recently, who after playing for a basketball team in high school that went something like 26-2, found an interest in plumbing, and worked as a plumber for the last forty years. Not that there's anything wrong with working as a plumber. Maybe working as a plumber was that guy's life's calling and he enjoyed the shit out of every second. But I'd prefer the second line in my obituary not to read what I did for a living my whole life. I feel like what I do for a living is what I do to pay for my food and shelter and (mostly) to do the things that I really enjoy doing. Work to live, I guess, and not live to work.

I wrote obituaries as part of my journalism internship. I didn't think about it at the time, but I know that I wrote several based on info the family'd given me that listed what they did for a living high up. I wish I'd thought about it then the way I do now. Somehow, it just doesn't seem to do a person justice.

3. Why they can't get the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror on before November 6. I mean, the Series is schedule to be over on the 30th, if it goes 7 games this year. Why not run the sumbitch on Halloween night and then again on Sunday? This is several years in a row, and I was under the impression Fox was going to try to keep this trend from continuing this year. I really hate Fox, sometimes.

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:

1. A stack of books about eleven high. These are the books I intend to read in the immediate future. Among them the books I bought today.

2. My computer. It's how I access the interweb. So much easier than standing on my porch and yelling ones and zeroes.....

3. A bottle of Aleve. I don't know what's up with my neck, but it's been hurting me for about a week now. I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts that this bulbous melon I call a head is putting a bit too much strain on this stack of dimes I call a neck....


THREE THINGS I’M DOING RIGHT NOW:

1. Well, I'm playing with the interweb, answering this Three Questions thing I found...

2. Waiting for the Angels and White Sox play. Like I said, I don't care much for either team, but I do like the style of baseball each plays. So I might enjoy the game. Too bad it's the Buck n' McCarver Show, once again....

3. Fending off a black cat who thinks that my duty tonight is to serve as her bed. I wouldn't have a problem except that she tends to have night terrors which result in her waking up and attacking the first thing she sees....generally me.

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:

1. Get a novel published
2. Road Trip to all 30 MLB stadiums, and see a game.
3. Go to Australia

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:

1. Pick out a decent steak
2. Grill a decent steak
3. Eat a decent steak

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
1. Quiet
2. A little weird
3. Slow to trust, but intensely loyal...

THREE THINGS I CAN’T DO:

1. I can't seem to get a handle on the idea of a dirty laundry hamper. I have two of them (one for whites, one for everything else). But somehow, everything seems to end up in mounds on the floor where ever I change clothes.

2. I can't wrap my mind around this idea of Toby Kieth. I don't think he's a real person. I think's he's a corporate sponsored hologram, a synthetic conglomeration of media archetypes...think part John Wayne, part Hank Williams, Jr., part Patrick Swayze's character in Road House, and I think you've got Toby Kieth

3. I can't let a disaster movie pass without my seeing it. Even if I know it's going to be absolutely shitty. If your trailer features some major landmark collapsing, getting crushed or blown to smithereens, I'm there, dude.

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:

1. I really wish everybody could listen to the katydids in summer around these parts. I get a lot of meditative value out of that....

2. Listen to a few different news sources, and not just sources that echo your values completely, before forming an opinion

3. I'm all about some Rodney Crowell right now. I think you should listen to some Rodney Crowell.

THREE THINGS I DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:

1. Those sound systems that aren't designed so that you can appreciate the music, but rather so that people will look at the car. I was kinda hoping that in the year 2005, we'd be past these bangin' sound systems.

2. Anybody who prefaces a statement with "You know what I'd do if I were you?" Just ignore them.

3. Tim McCarver. He's horrible. Really, really horrible.


THREE THINGS YOU SAY:

1. I say "Howdy" a lot.
2. "What do we think?" I say it too much, usually to start conversation.
3. "Shit." It's my favorite curse word.

THREE THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO LEARN:

1. Here lately, I've been thinking that I'd like to play the fiddle.
2. I'd like to learn what my cats and dogs think, when they're looking at me. I have an inkling, but I'd like to know for sure.
3. What manner of shit Bud Selig uses for his brains. I know that he has shit for his brains. I don't know what animal it comes from.

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:

1. Water
2. Grape Juice
3. Diet Mountain Dew. I drink an unhealthy amount of these.

Everything else is a once-in-a-while thing....

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:

1. Dukes of Hazzard
2. the A-Team
3. the Bozo Show

THREE THINGS YOU WISH PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO DO:

1. Slow up a bit, and give people the benefit of the doubt. And I know I'm bad about this, too. But I'm trying to give people the benefit of the doubt. All I ask is that you do the same for me....

2. I'd like to get back to a point where it's more "agree to disagree" and less "us vs. them." You know, just because I don't agree with you and your viewpoint doesn't at all mean I'm trying to dissuade your from your beliefs to get you to see mine. Hell, I could give a shit. All I want is to be left in peace. I'd do the same for you....

3. I'm just going to send you back to Sheila's for my number three. That whole "unsolicited advice" thing is a big, big peeve of mine, and I don't think I could have said it better myself, except to say that when I want your help, I'll ask for it. I'm cool like that....

An Apple Butter Re-Run

An Apple Butter Re-Run

In September of 2003, I was working a temp job here and there, looking for full time gainful employment. I had a little spare time on my hands. You might call this time The Golden Age of Big Stupid Tommy.

Judging by what you read in that late summer of 2003, I spent a lot of that spare time drinking. And possibly smoking the rock.

From September 2003, a ruminition on Apple Butter:

A Recommendation

I'm going to give a "shout out" to Jim Dandy Smile's Apple Butter. Because it tastes good. And I think it's made with crack. Because in the space of a week I've eaten nearly 17 jars. And I think I shot a man tonight at the gas station. It's been like living a dream about wheatcakes. I don't think I've been sleeping, though. But I've not been awake either. I'm living in a liminal state, called South Dakota, and they aren't letting me gamble here because I don't have any money, and I'm not desperate enough to put out. Yet. My shoes are merely stapled together copies of the Guinness Book of World Records. I spent the better part of the evening trying to make sense out of an episode of Diff'rent Strokes, when my roommate told me that the television wasn't even on. I decided that if he wanted to, Eeyore could have kicked all their asses.

Eat it on toast. Or with your hands. Or drink it out of the jar. I don't really care, just so long as I have an unending supply. If you touch mine, I'll cut ya.

Before I was born...

Before I was born...

Via this post at A Small Victory, we get the question:

What's your favorite movie made before you were born?

Today, my answer is Arsenic and Old Lace.

Other favorites, keeping in mind my 1977 birthdate....

Young Frankenstein
Blazing Saddles
Godfather 1 & 2
Cool Hand Luke
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Dr. Strangelove
The Producers
The Good, the Bad & the Ugly
Yojimbo
Sanjuro
Rashomon
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Day the Earth Stood Still
War of the Worlds
Pride of the Yankees
Harvey
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

(Better stop now...too many to name...)

Two Weeks from Today

Two Weeks from Today

Got to looking at the calendar, and realized that two days from today, I plan on being at the Baseball Hall of Fame. Vacation, and all that jazz. Looking forward to it. Work's been a hellabitch here lately.....

A conversation, from a long time ago

A Conversation, from a long time ago...

Once upon a time, I worked a summer at a Holiday Inn. It wasn't a bad job, except that I had to be there at 4:30 in the morning.

I'd get there, and I'd usually end up working the last hour and a half with the Night Auditor. We called him Crazy James. Not to his face. We called him that because his name was James, and because he was Bat. Shit. Crazy.

This has little to do with why I write, but probably most illustrative of how off James was...on more than one occasion, I'd be talking to James, and before he'd reply to something I'd said or asked, there'd be a pause.

For example...

"Hi James, how ya doing?"

(pause)

"Fine."

At first, I thought he was choosing his words. I've known people who speak carefully and precisely, and they choose to think of a whole statement before they reply.

I chalked it up to that, until I realized that when James was pausing, he was cocking his head to the left, and shifting his eyes in that direction.

Like he was listening to someone who might have been telling them how to reply.

Anyway.

Here's the conversation I thought of...

I had to go in and wrap newspapers before the day started, because the people in the Members Club at Holiday Inn got a USA Today delivered to their rooms. And there was a picture of a dolphin up on one of the corners of the paper, leading you to the D section to read something about dolphins.

I asked, trying to be funny: "Hey James? What do you think Dolphin tastes like?"

"That's not funny, Tommy," James said, never turning to meet my gaze, and pausing before each statement.

"Why not?"

"Dolphins are beautiful creatures. They're smart. They sing beautifully."

"What do they sing about?"

(a long pause)

"Birthdays, I'd guess. And holidays," he says, and he pauses. He pauses so long I think the conversation is over, until he turns in his swivel chair, and levels me with this horrible, sobering gaze.

He points a finger in my direction and says, "Dolphins don't celebrate Christmas."

"Okay," was all I could say to that.

He then turned back in his swivel chair, and went back to his work. He didn't say anything else to me that morning, but the rest of his shift he kept giving me these looks that told me he was horribly, horribly disgusted with me....

Very little to that. I think about that conversation every now and then. Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I'm just glad James didn't stab me to death.

Latigo Flint was talking about life's journeys, and this post here got me thinking about that conversation I had long ago....

Braves and Astros

Braves and Astros

It's a family thing. It's a proximity thing. I'm a Cub fan. But I was pulling in the Braves in this post season. They had a good young team that played baseball like it was fun, and not a job. They played the game doing all the little things that a good baseball team is supposed to do.

Plus, I had a wild hair up my ass that I was going to do my damnedest to go to the World Series if it was in Atlanta.

Stupid Braves.

18 innings, though. That's a lot of free baseball.

I am loathe to admit it, but the politics of the thing make for strange bedfellows. Looking at those left in the playoff picture, I'm gonna have to get behind the Ass Trolls.

What? Am I supposed to root for the Cardinals?

The Yankees?

I can get behind a team that's never won it all, I suppose....

Spiders

Spiders

Not a gripe, necessarily.

I don't mind spiders, really. But the one that was under the work bench in the garage was a bit too big and hairy, and a little too unafraid of me for me to be comfortable with it standing there. And this despite the fact I was wearing khakis and thick shoes. It just had a little too much moxy.

Something with that many eyes and legs, something that creepy looking, is just not going to get much of a benefit of the doubt when push comes to shove. When it took a couple of steps at me, I knew it was starting shit. And in this neighborhood, that's how you get dealt with.

Also, I should report that there was a little too much resistance when I smashed that sumbitch, with his many eyes and hairy legs. There was a second of pause after I put my foot and my weight into smushing that booger. For a split second, it was almost like he might overthrow me.

That part of me that roots for the underdog, the small guy, even though I was the aggressor, was rooting for the spider. I mean, science will tell you that it was arachnid exoskeleton and water mass momentarily holding him together in the onslaught of a size 14 sneaker and 6'4" heavyset feller crushing down on him.
But part of me knows that, for a second, that spider held me up with sheer force of will.

But I succeeded in defending myself, and my home.

This was nothing like the time I went smashing down on the spider in the garage with the heel of a work boot, only to see it come out of that fetal spider position, brush the dirt off itself, and give me a look that said "The Fuck?"

Yeah, I cried myself to sleep for weeks after that. Weeks.

If the spider today had succeeded in overthrowing me, I'd never tell anybody. It would be one of those secrets that I woud take to my grave, if I could. At the very least, I'd make it a chapter in my the scathing tell-all autobiography of my life.

But then, I think that sort of thing would end up with widespread press coverage. You'd probably read about it in the paper. In the Newsweek look back at the week the Spider rampaged over America, it'd all lead back to my garage, where the spider threw me off my feet, because I was too big a pansy to adequately smash it.

But then, I'd probably get at least a temporary spot on Hollywood Squares. So it's all good.

I'll take Big Stupid Tommy to block....

In which our hero vents a bit of that free floating hostility...

In which our hero vents a bit of that free floating hostility....

I'm gonna gripe. It's why I have a blog.

-----

Does a theater really need a discount club card? Honestly. I'm sick of these bullshit discount cards that every food store, drug store and media outlet is giving out to track your personal spending habits. And I say that as a manager of a store that utilizes these cards on a daiy basis--generally speaking, we in the retail biz hate those cards more than your average consumer, mostly because it's our job to ensure that you the customer have information that Big Brother can track on it, and we don't like getting shit from people who don't like having their info tracked.

I mean, it'd be different if I got any kind of info about you directly from your card. Hell, it wouldn't even have to be useful information. If I got a list of the favorite movie of everybody who used the cards, that'd be cool. Because I like lists of movies.

But I digress.

So this whole movie theater thing is the last straw.

I went to see Serenity the other day. I will not be bitching about that movie. I've decided that I liked it very much. Was it a great movie? No. But it was very good for what it tried to do. Jayne is cool. I'm glad Kaylee did not die.

But anyway, being that I live out in the boondocks, I have to drive an hour if I want to hit a decent movie theater. Gas costing what it does, I usually gotta combine two or three things into one trip to justify seeing a movie. Well, Serenity started at 1. One of my chores? New shoes. I head to the New Balance store, by my size 14 4E banana boats, and drive back to the theater. And along the way, I manage to get caught by every traffic light along the way. Honestly, I think they built a few lights special for the cause of stopping me on my way into the see the movie.

I get back to the movie theater at 1:05. I figure I'm just missing previews. I have to wait in line behind the person who wants to know what each movie is about. And then I get to the kiosk, and the girl wants to know if I want to buy a Regal Theater Club Card.

"No," I say.

In quotes and shit.

"No," I say, and she goes to tell me what it's good for.

"The movie's starting at 1," I say.

But the spiel continues. I get stuff, and free movies and junk.

"No," I say.

And that "no" confuses her, apparently, because she tries to charge me for two tickets. And there's confusion because we work with "computers" at Regal Theaters. I get into the theater halfway through the trailer for The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. In the end, I probably didn't miss anything but the 17 or so commercials they seem to put in front of movies, nowadays. So I should bitch too much.

----

I hate those commercials in front of movies. I have nothing new to say on the subject. It's just wrong to pay 10 bucks, and then have to sit through five or six commercials for M&M's or Coke. And it's not even a conundrum for me, because I'm not really one of those guys who loves movie trailers. I can take them or leave them. Most of them give up too many plot points for movies, or give away all the good jokes.

But anyway. Hate the commercials. Whoever started that shit should be dealt with, Suge Knight style.

----

When did we stop putting partitions up at the bank to show where the lines stop and start?

I go to the bank today for work, and I get in the line marked "Commercial Accounts." Because I'm cool like that. In doing so, I get behind the couple of people standing directly in front of the window.

"Ahem," a lady says. Exactly those syllables. "The line's back here."

She points behind her.

"No," I say. "The line's here." And I point along the imaginary straight line that runs from the window to, say, me.

I should point out that while I am standing facing directly toward the window, right behind a couple of people who are doing the same, and I am about five or six feet from the window myself, this lady is standing to my right and behind me, some six or seven feet. Meaning, all told, she's something like 12 feet from the window, and 8 feet or more from the person I got behind. In fact, I had walked past her when getting into the line, thinking she was in line for the other open window.

I invite her to get in front of me, and she takes the invitation, but not without a roll of the eyes.

I spent the rest of the time at the bank coming up with outlandish and wonderful scenarios that involve some manner of comeuppance that does not involve prison time for yours, truly.

----

Folks, while I'm on the subject of the bank. My bank, and my work's bank and most banks I've been in for a few years now have big signs saying that they will not cash checks unless you have the funds to match it in your account. This is standard policy at most banks. Yelling loudly does not change bank policy.

----

Boy, those Red Sox sure reminded me of the '05 Cubs, today. Except for that whole actually "making the playoffs."

----

It's been a while since blogger ate my post. And really, it wasn't blogger that ate my post. Internet Explorer bombed out while I was writing up a second in a sporadic series of posts on Dining in Athens, Tennessee late last night. I tried to save the text to paste into another word processing program, but it was to no avail. If only blogger had a good auto-save function. For doofuses like me.

And that piece was comic gold. Comic. Gold.

I mean, how can a critical piece on "Mexi-Wing" not be great?

But the computer ate it.

----

This is not a gripe so much as an observation:

Sometimes, I wish I weren't so much a doofus.

Then I realize just how much shit it gets me out of.

----

Rainy fall day. Tin roof. Big giant hickory trees bearing nuts all around the house. It's not a restful situation, to constantly have hickory nuts dropped with the sound of a hammer hitting tin every ten or fifteen minutes....

----

What is this shit with cats and their claws? Honestly? When did this shit start?

----

I really got pissed off at Chris Berman, Mike Piazza and Rick Sutcliffe in the eighth inning of tonight's White Sox/Red Sox playoff game. I mean, I don't like Berman or Sutcliffe as announcers to start with. But they were fucking eulogizing the Red Sox in the eight inning, with the Red Sox still six outs away from beind dead and buried.

Sure, the BoSox when out with more of a whimper than a bang, but it's not up to Berman or Piazza, and it's especially not up to Rick Sutcliffe, to go around deciding when baseball games are over.

----

That's all I got for now. Pretty shitty gripes, if you asked me. Makes me feel kinda silly for even bitching. Maybe that's why I did it.

Or maybe there are South American Terrorists holding my family hostage, saying I must blog, or they'll kill my family.....

The Buck n' McCarver Show

The Buck n' McCarver Show

I realized last night, as I watched the Yankees and Angels, that I'd gone pretty much the whole season without having to hear a game broadcast by Tim McCarver. Any time I ran across a game on Fox, it was a the B-team broadcasters. No Tim. The one time it was Tim McCarver, it was someone on like the Yankees and Orioles, and I can't go too long on just Yankee Hate to watch a ballgame, so I didn't watch....

Dude. Do you know what I hate most about Tim McCarver? When he tries to make it appear that he's light-hearted and easy-to-laugh. He and Joe Buck were going on and on about fans giving them shit about how much they love Derek Jeter. And they only proceed to blow Derek Jeter on the air.

(That was the phrase my mind used...Tainted Bill had a bit of a better take on the whole matter...)

And at one point, somewhere in the third or fourth inning, Joe Buck cracks some wisecrack (I'm not sure what he said...by the third I was paying more attention to Stephen King's The Colorado Kid, his contribution to the Hard Crime pulp series that's been churning out stories here lately), but what got my attention was this Tim McCarver laugh.

It was a nasty, grating sound. It wasn't a laugh, really. Not in the honest, happy sense that you or I might laugh. It didn't come from the belly, from the diaphragm. Tim's laugh is a mocking sound, that comes from higher up in the chest. It was like holding a balloon, and letting it deflate in short bursts, while you hold the mouth of the balloon in the right shape, to make it squeak. His laugh is a sick, unconvincing sort of stage laugh that one makes when being polite. But here's the thing, he knows that others know he's just laughing to be polite, or to appear light-hearted and that he's having a good time in the broadcast booth, and that it's unconvincing, so he overcompensates. He laughs louder and longer than would make one comfortable.

The truth is, it's a laugh from a fellow who doesn't really understand what's so funny.

The sad fact is, it probably wasn't funny. Whatever Joe Buck said, it probably wasn't intended to produce raucous laughter from the peanut gallery, or from Tim McCarver. It would have been fine with everyone, I think, if Tim had ignored the comment altogether, or maybe had just given a "heh heh."

But who's gotta be the center of attention? I mean, they aren't here to watch a baseball game. They're here to see Tim McCarver!!!!

I wonder if, during the commercial break, Joe offered Tim a vicodin, or something else to calm him the hell down.

Of course, Tim would overreact, shove Joe over in his chair, pin him to the floor and spit and curse through gritted teeth "I'm the one they're watching...I Am!"

One other thing that twisted my shorts about the broadcast. And this is a constant thing with Fox.

This is baseball's playoffs, right?

How much time did Joe and Tim spend talking about Donovan "Gut Muscle" McNabb? I mean, I know it wears you out praising and praising Derek Jeter, but does that mean you gotta leave the sport entirely to find somebody else to talk about? What the hell. I don't want my broadcasters talking football during a baseball game, even if Fox shows football too.

I quit watching in the fourth or fifth. Boring game. I'd watched most of the White Sox schooling the Red Sox while I did chores and cleaned up. I wasn't much in the mood for another high scoring buttwhipping. Especially if it's the Yankees doing the buttwhipping. (I know it ended up just 4-2, which doesn't constitute a butt whuppin' per se...the last score I remember was 4-0, and the Yanks seemed to be getting 2 guys on base an inning...I figured it was just a matter of time before they score more....)

But while I'm on the subject of the White Sox and Red Sox, I did like Mike Piazza's contributions to that broadcasting endeavour.

A meme

A Meme

Because I's as tired as shit. My mind is mushy. Like the oatmeal.

If the blogger dashboard is correct, this is post #1990 for me. This post should have some MC Hammer background music.

I saw this meme at It's All Relative....

From post 1990, we look back at post 23:

1. Go into your archive
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

Check this wisdom from the year 2002:

"Instead, it's a lot of Hayden Christensen falling down."

I am infinitely quotable.

From a dorktastic post where I've watched a blooper reel from one of the Star Wars movies.

Man, I love blooper reels.

Today's Funny

Today's Funny

Survivor: Toyland.

Possibly not safe for work, if somebody at your work has some particular vendetta against naked Barbie dolls.

Come to think of it, if somebody gives you shit about being offended by the page you're looking at, you have my express mandate to headbutt them to death. Those people have too much free time. It'll just mean more food for us.

Today's Funny; or, I smell a theme....

Today's Funny; or, I smell a theme...

From Gunny:

So, I've got this cousin that used to deliver milk for Purity in Franklin. One day, he got an order for 200 gallons of milk. He thought it was a joke and turned it into his boss. The boss called the home and the lady confirmed that the order was correct. He asked her, "If you don't mind me asking, why do you want 200 gallons of milk?"

She replied that she had heard that it was good for your skin to bathe in milk and wanted to try it.

Of course, being the salesman that he was not about to screw the pooch. He had never heard such a thing before but responded with, "Yeah, it seems that I've heard that somewhere. It'll be a bit of work, but I think that I can manage that by Friday. Are you going to want that milk pastuerized?"

"No, up to my hooters is fine."

I'd like to point you to....

I'd like to point you to...

You know, I've spent more time than is healthy in my lifetime thinking about both boobs and comic books.

But rarely, if ever, have I combined the two. And even if I have, nothing I've ever come up with ever went into such depth as this post, a musing on the cleavage of DC Comics' Power Girl.....

Read the whole dern thing....