Undisputed Champeen....

Undisputed Champeen...

Your old pal BSTommy just won his survival football league.

He's a badass.

Craziness, though. We started with 9.

Lost 2 in week 1.

Lost 1 in week 2.

Lost another 2 in week three.

Of the four left this morning, three took Denver, who just lost to the Chiefs.

I took Jacksonville, wanting to save my Buffalos, Denvers and Dallases of the world for later in the season. The Jaguars apparently had all they could handle with Houston, today.

But, I won.

Here's hoping there's not a quota on these things for 2008....

And here's hoping the Cubbies didn't give a win away today to the team that eventually knocks them out of the playoffs....

Saturday....

Saturday....

Well friends, your old pal Tommy finds himself somewhat under the weather this morning. I don't know if it's the cold that everybody there at the store seems to be passing around, or if it's something related to the pollen/change in the weather. I just know I've got a weird, croupy cough and a headache that feels like tiny people with tiny battering rams are trying to create an exit from the insides of my head via my temples....

Those people, I think are named Ed, Paul, Rachel and Demetrius. I don't know how they got in there, but I figure I'll have a video from Jigsaw in the next little while telling me how to get them out....

In which I embed a widget for Kevin Smith's new movie

Hey lookie.

The Great Alpaca Auction of Athens, Tennessee

The Great Alpaca Auction of Athens, Tennessee

There is an auction this Saturday in my home town. I believe a church is holding it, to raise funds for something or other. A new sanctuary, perhaps. Maybe a mission trip. Or a van.

They will be auctioning off four male alpacas.

Among other things.

Baseballs signed by Nolan Ryan. Sweaters. A jeep, I think.

But the Alpacas caught my eye.

I wouldn't even know what to begin to bid for such a thing.

Or what the cost would be after the fact.

Do Alpacas eat grass?

Or do they have more sophisticated tastes? Maybe Alpacas dine only on Raisin Bran Crunch. Which maybe sounds great, because I love Raisin Bran Crunch. Problem is that I'd reckon it would need more than one box a day of Raisin Bran Crunch to keep an Alpaca happy. Those selfish bastards could probably eat several boxes of sweet and crunchy cereal a day, if the mood struck them.

Do Alpacas care if I buy the store brand?

I'd hate to go to the market in Lima, Peru to find that I'm getting 40% less on my investment in Alpaca Fur than if I'd fed my Alpacas name brand cereals.

I dunno. Maybe I could learn to knit my own clothes out of Alpaca fur.

I might.

I could do it.

Don't look at me like that.

I learned to make Chicken Korma didn't I?

I'm not completely ignorant.

Except for that time I burned the Korma because I was playing a video game.

That mess sucked. On so many levels.

That's why I keep the Playstation up in the closet, now.

Because I burn ethnic food.

And because obsessive compulsion doesn't run in the family so much as lead it around like a team of Clydesdales on Meth.

But I digress.

Alpacas?

Do you think they poop like cows, planting steaming Alpaca Patties hither and yon until their heart's content?

Or do they strain and huff and damn near herniate themselves to produce a single dark matter pellet of scat?

I ask, because lately I tend toward the "high-strung" end of the string here, of late. Seriously...my brother-in-law farted at the folks' house a couple weeks back and I threw him through their plate glass window. It sucks being banned from family functions, but I suppose that's neither here nor there, is it?

Anyway, I ask because I'd like a more laidback animal...a cat, maybe. Or perhaps a pig. Or perhaps a bear who had an ample supply of hunny honey and wh truly had his priorities in life in order.

A high strung, pellet-pooping, sweater-machine is cool, and a nice conversation piece, but if it's going to prolapse a colon whenever I sneeze (which is admittedly, worryingly often), I'm not sure that an alpaca and I are truly a match made in heaven.

If I had to choose a place on the high maintenance scale of animals, my perfect animal would lie in the same concentric circles as goldfish and the paper mache giraffe that was in the library of my grade school.

I haven't thought about that giraffe in years. Thank you blogamathing for calling to mind the subject of many, many childhood nightmares.

Anyway.

Two last questions about the alpaca:

1.) Are they similar in disposition to the llama? I have often heard the Alpaca referred to as the Chinaman's Llama, and I'm afraid that the animal is "uppity" as I have come to know the llama. With a tendency to spit, when insulted. Which is often, as I have come to know it.

I need to know the answer to this, because I'd hate to beat something to death after spending several dozen dollars for it.

That, or I need to overcome my disdain for being spat upon.

Then maybe I could also meet Roberto Alomar.

And...

2.) Would I be allowed to keep prolonged contact of the Alpaca's hair to my skin, before I bought? Being able to knit clothes out of my pet is an interesting concept to me, but it would prove ultimately fruitless if I should find out that I had an unforeseen allergy to the hair of my pet.

As a corollary...I would be willing to overcome the allergy if I could knit many pairs of pants, and if the allergy did not including convulsions or vomiting.

I really, really hate throwing up.

I do not want a high-strung, pellet-pooping spitting monster that will make me convulse and throw up.

There's a joke about my sister in here, but I'm afraid she'll beat the shit out of me, so I'll keep that one in the "Just for Tommy" file.

Anyway.

Going to research this sumbitch.

I think I will name my Alpaca "Brak."

Promo....

Promo...



Barry's running a show, folks....come down to Athens October 24th...

Ever seen a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match?

No?

You ain't lived, friend.

You ain't lived....

Just a thought....

Just a thought...

It's a conflict to say how I feel about the Cub win last night. On the one hand, it's always a pleasure, especially when you consider that they were behind when I decided to head for bed.

On the other hand....the last team I want to see anywhere near the playoffs is Milwaukee.

The Cubs'll have a say in what happens, this weekend, of course.

Zen....

Zen...

With a tip of the hat to Barry...

This is how I found my center tonight....

Dreams....

Dreams...

A couple people had recommended trying Valerian Root in the past several weeks, to help deal with my occasional insomnia, which prior to my New York trip, was becoming slightly more than occasional.

Given my past troubles with insomnia, I found myself willing to give anything a try, so long as it doesn't hurt or cost more than seven dollars.

About a month in, I can't tell you whether it's working or not. I am sleeping, so I suppose that pushes the bar slightly in its favor, though I realize that my insomnia is by and a large a transitory thing.

I will say that there are two big difference I can tell.

The first? These mornings where I have to get up early, it's like wrestling with the devil to get myself moving in the morning. I've had to move my alarm back 15 minutes. Waking up is not the hard part. Getting awake FULLY is the hard part.

The other? I'm a dreaming sumbitch. Lots of dreams...some of them kind of weird.

Last night's example? I'm camping near an interstate in Cleveland, Ohio, on my way to New York City to pick up the new Guns n' Roses album.

Other examples? Going to a friend's funeral, only to get to the funeral (in Kansas) to find out that the friend isn't dead after all. Twice, I've dreamed that my sister is pregnant. And I dreamed that this year the Pirates win the World Series in Five games.

Look at the standings to tell me whether that last one's going to happen....

So, I'll keep with the Valerian Root. Maybe it's better to let all my crazy out in the dream world than to unleash it upon the unsuspecting populace of lower East Tennessee....

Oldie....

Oldie...

This is one of my favorite jokes....

A miner wanders into the old west town after spending a year in wilderness pulling gold out of his mine. After cashing in his year's work, he heads to the nearest saloon and orders a bottle of whiskey. After several drinks he motions the bartender over to him.

"Hey bartender, you got any women here that would want to be, you know, intimate for a price?" he says under his breath.

"Nope" says the bartender. "All we got is 'Ole Joe' out back"

"I'm not into that crap!" says the miner and storms out of the bar in a huff. A year passes by and the miner comes back into town, cashes in his gold, and heads back to the same saloon and orders a bottle of whiskey.

As he drinks it he says to the bartender "Hey, did you ever get any women in here?"

"Nope" says the bartender, "but we've still got 'Ole Joe' out back"

"I don’t go for that crap" says the miner and starts to leave but stops in his tracks and turns back o the bartender. Pondering his two year lack of intimacy, the miner says "Now, if I went out back with 'Ole Joe', whose going to know about it?"

The bartender scratches his head and ponders the question for a moment. "Well there'd be you. And me. And Ole Joe of course. And Bart, Red, and Pete."

"Whose Bart, Red and Pete?" says the miner.

The bartender replies, "Oh those are the three guys holding down Ole Joe. He don't go for that crap either."

Cubbies....

Cubbies....

Well...the Cubs are in the playoffs again.

I'm happy. Damned happy. Don't get me wrong on that. Oddly, it was more of a relief than a celebrative event. Take that as a marker of my personality, more than anything.

This is the best Cubs team of my life, I can tell you that much. I look around at the National League, and say to myself that there's not anybody who can run with them consistently. The problem is, we don't have a best of 31 game playoff series.

Over a short series? Anybody can get hot. Especially a Los Angeles, and even one of the trio of Milwaukee, Philly and New York who can't seem to figure out how to finish a season. I look back a week and a half ago, and look at that swoon the Cubbies had. I look at those teams, and I look at our swoon. I know that anybody can get cold, over a short series.

The truth of the matter is, this makes the fourth time in the past ten years we've made the postseason. There's one side that says Lovable Loser. There's another side that says it's a squad that consistently cannot get it done in the playoffs.

I wonder what Bobby Cox would have to say about that.

Still, the Red Sox shook that off a few years back, and have won a couple.

I dunno. It's been a while since we've been in the position where there's a week to go, and we're in the position of resting up and setting a rotation.....

It's times like this that I think back ten years. I was in college. A chat with Dad, and a lucky strike the day playoff tickets went on sale for Wrigley, and we had tickets to game 4 of the playoff series against the Braves at Wrigley. The whole family wandered up to Chicago. The Cubs got swept that series. We wandered up to Wrigley the day after the fact. Mom got interviewed on WGN..."we'd come up from Tennessee to see the playoffs...."

I'm rambling. Not a lot of coherent thought around Casa de Big Stupid Tommy this morning. Bear with me folks....

Lookout.....

Lookout...

We talked about this at work yesterday. The Chattanooga Lookouts have signed on with the Dodgers to be their AA affiliate.

It'll be different...the Reds have been with the Lookouts since I was 10. They've never been affiliated with anybody else in the time that I've been seeing games down in Chattaboogie...

Family lives down in Chattanooga, and I work a half hour away, so I end up seeing a fair number of Lookout games a year.

Here's hoping the Dodgers bring in a fundamentally sound club. If there's been one constant with the Lookouts over the past five years or so, it's that fielding and smart hitting are not being instructed at almost any level. At least, not in a way that it shows up on the field.

In other words, the guys the Reds have been bringing up through their system are the perfect guy for Dusty Baker.....

Foto

Foto

So, I went to New York last weekend. I took pictures. Most of them are landmarks, and I'll not look at those photos again.

As I scrolled through what I put onto the computer, the ones I paused on were the ones I decided to throw up here.

An early view....this is my first look down 8th Avenue....


I include this one of the Empire State Building, only because it illustrates the weather. It was cloudy all Friday...


On our way to a harbor tour, right underneath the Brooklyn Bridge. There was a Brewer's Fest. Timing...it's all about timing....


Yeah. We saw her.


Yankee Stadium. Twas rainy.


Thought maybe I could get the rain, which was never very heavy, in the lights....


We huddled in the bowels of Yankee Stadium when it really started raining hard.


Here's the gaggle wandering around Strawberry Fields....


My sister. Dubious. No doubt I've laid a little Tommy Wisdom on her.


I don't think of myself as podunk...but the truth is, we don't get many international protests in my neck of the woods. Nobody else thought it was funny when I said "Dammit...they gotta block the Ruby Tuesday, don't they?"

Now that I think about it, it wasn't funny.


One of the things we see coming back. Was there a gas panic in the wake of Ike in your neck of the woods?


A propos of nothing toward New York...but these bastards said they charged this because Shell gas is a premium product with engine cleaners, therefore worth more...

I don't ask people to do much, but I strongly urge you folks never to spend another cent at the Rocky Top Stations in this neck of the woods.


Dramatis Personae....my mom, my dad, my sister, and my brother-in-law standing in the back. Also, the Fairfield Inn where we stayed....

I'm glad I got to go with you guys....

A list of things in my carry-on bag...

A list of things in my carry-on bag...

Cleaning up around the house this afternoon. I got back from New York Sunday night, and worked 24 hours out of 31 from Monday to Tuesday. I am just today getting around to unpacking, getting the dirty clothes into a hamper, getting books and playpretties put back into their place.

In fairness, I should note that I did dig my shaving kit out of my bag Sunday night, if only because my toothbrush, toothpaste, jock-itch powder and shampoo specially designed for flaky-skinned-motherfuckers were all in there, and I couldn't really do without...

Because I am feeling particularly obsessive compulsive this afternoon, here and now, a list of the things I dig out of my SwissGear backpack...

• In the front pocket, we find first my MP3 player. I'd loaded a few more songs onto my player before I left (Beatles, mostly--my Obladi kick the other day ended up with me finding a copy of the White Album), but I think that with the exception of an hour or so sitting in the Newark airport, I didn't listen to it. Good thing, because as they began calling for our flight, I started to lose a charge.
• A pack of Trident Wild Blueberry Twist gum. This is my current favorite gum. Judge that however you may--it unseated Big League Chew (any flavor), which was the undisputed Champion for nearly 20 years. I bought this at a newsstand at the Newark airport, leaving Sunday. Mostly to help my ears, on the airplane....the sound of a 6'4" man crying his lungs out because his ears are bothering is disconcerting to most travelers, flight attendants and pilots. In this day and age after September 11th, I figure paying a buck for a pack of gum is a safe hedge to keep me from being de-planed.
  
• The pair of earphones I was looking for before the trip. How's that for irony? I was looking for those boogers to pack them, and they were packed prior to my packing. They've probably been in there since the spring.
• Moving to the second pocket, we find:
  
• The Sunday New York Post. Bought at the newsstand in Newark, because I forgot that my folks had asked me to stow their newspaper in my bag. Had I remembered, I might have bought it still. Any time I hit the area, I like picking the post. It's a rag, but the pictures are generally the most entertaining....
• The Sunday Star Ledger. I was carrying this for the folks. I still have it. Being a newspaper nerd, I'll probably hold onto the front page.
• My copy of Joe Lansdale's Leather Maiden, which might be Joe's best outing in years. His last couple have been disappointing to me, but this one's a fine return to form. It's been a little while since I've had a book that I didn't want to put down. Just fun reading. Joe's a helluva storyteller...I always recommend him. I started reading it a couple nights before we left, and got maybe 40 pages in. I read the first half on the flight up, and got 20 pages from the end on the flight back. I was actually hoping for a long taxi to the terminal in Atlanta, to finish it there. (There was a long taxi...in a Big Stupid Tommy first, the plane actually got to Atlanta ahead of schedule...we had to wait for our berth to empty of another plane).
  
• IN the last pocket....
• A copy of Cormac McCarthy's Suttree, which I brought with me in case I finished Leather Maiden. I finished Leather Maiden in the car on the way up to Tennessee. I didn't start this one. I think it'll be the next thing I read.
• A copy of Marvel Essential's Avengers, volume 6. I got on an Avengers kick about the time Iron Man came out this summer, and have been picking up the Essentials on Ebay. This one's been my toilet reading at home, and I took it with me for that purpose up north. It didn't ever come out of my bag. I did crap in New York and New Jersey. How about them apples?
• A legal pad. I wrote a few snippets of dialogue, and a couple other small snippets. Nothing serious. I never go anywhere without my legal pad.
• Two ballpoint pens. One is a Papermate Write Bros, which I bought six packs of at work not long back. The packs were 3/$1. For 3 cents a pen, they write satisfactorily, though they do smudge to a small degree, and I warn you that if some bastard booby-traps one of the the pens by breaking the tip off and putting the lid back on? You'll be tattooed in the color of that pen's ink for a couple of days. The other pen is a Uni-Ball Signo, which I probably stole from my boss, at work. This is an amazingly good pen, and it may be close to replacing the PenTech Zebra as my favorite.....
  

Tennessee...

Tennessee...



I credit Sloth for that one. Don't remember if he made it up, but by God I'm building his legend around it.

Well, I'm back in Tennessee. Spent the last couple of hours relaxing at home, watching Big Z No Hit the Ass Trolls....I was bummed about having to go back to work tomorrow, but that's a nice way to take some of the edge off....

While I was visiting the Apple, there was a gas panic in this neck of the woods...based on little more than the possibility that gas would being going up in price by $1.50 or more with Hurricane Ike churning through coastal Texas....

You assholes made gas go up a buck in my absence. I am very disappointed in you.

And what's more, you made some places run out. That was an interesting last few miles of the trip from Atlanta's airport, as we wandered through Cleveland looking for a place that A.) had gas and B.) wasn't charging $4.99 a gallon.

Ummm, while there's a post coming on my trip to New York in the morning, and while I am ebullient over Carlos Zambrano coming back from a tired arm with a f'ing Exclamation Point.....

I want to say that I'm gonna think twice about shopping at a Rocky Top Shell station for a while. I'm sure there was a line of reasoning behind every roadsign for every Shell station between Dalton and Athens advertising $4.99 a gallon for gas, but I'm not getting behind it. That's dirty pool, and even if they're not entirely to blame, I don't know that I'll be plunking down my hard earned money in there anytime soon....

Congrats on the no-hitter, big guy. Let's get a World Series under your belt, and then let's start working on this gas problem we have down here in Tennessee.

Both of them.

Like comparing Apples and Bananas...

Like comparing Apples and Bananas...

Hello from New York. Or Jersey, as it is this morning. Found a little internet access, and wanted to send a waterlogged hello to the seven of you still reading.

Wandered Manhattan yesterday. Saw a few things I'd always wanted to see. The Naked Cowboy is not one of those things, but I saw him too.

Spent a soggy evening at Yankee Stadium, waiting for them to call the game. There is nothing more optimistic (or is it sadomasochistic) as the umpiring crew for a game meant to be televised nationally. Since the rain was coming harder at 8:00 than it had in any point in the day, we decided to wander back south toward the relative dry of our hotel...

They're making up the game today. The jury is still out....

Anyway. Hindsight being what it is, should have dedicated a few more days to wandering around. Still have today. We'll see what we can get into.

Seven?

Seven?

Long time readers (all two of you) have probably come to realize that the passage of time, relatively speaking, is a minor fascination with me. I can't count the number of times I've thought something along the lines of "my don't time fly...."

I won't talk much about September 11th...for six years I've tried, and for six years it comes off trite, so I just leave it be. I'm no different than most, though. Even living 800 miles away, it was one of the most surreal, frightening, angering and saddening days of my life, and every time it comes around, it brings a pause for reflection.

Part of my fascination with the passage of time is the realization that every moment needs to be savored and celebrated. I don't do that enough, though I am cognizant of the fact....knowing is half the battle, if 80's cartoons are to be believed.

I'll just say that carpe diem isn't necessarily my nature, though I'm working on it. I suggest it for all...at the very least, I advise taking advantage of the moment to let those close to you know you care....

I am flying into New York today, seven years after the fact. I am often oblivious to many of the details of life (I like to think I'm a Big Picture guy...heh...), but that little tidbit was not lost on me when my family and I started planning our excursion. I made a joke with Erica on the phone last evening that I oughta just beat the shit out of anybody with a shade of skin darker than mine, as a pre-emptive measure.

It was an ugly joke, but a joke nonetheless.

I think.

Anyway. It'll be an interesting few days. I'm a New York Yankee-hater, but I'm enough of a baseball nut that I'm going to enjoy the hell out of Yankee Stadium, I think.

Anyway. Don't think I'll have a lot of internet access, so we'll holler at you nice people on the flipside.

Obladi....Oblad'oh?

Obladi...Oblad'oh?

I have had this song in my head for a little longer than 2 days now.

Videeoh

Videeoh

I dug this...The Death Star is pretty creepy...but I also like the AT-AT walker on the beach....

Chris Simms

Chris Simms

So the Titans sign Chris Simms to back up Kerry Collins. I am currently in negotiations to be second backup.

Anybody else really, really missing Billy Volek at this point?

Don't know what happened back in the day with Fisher and Billy.

Or with Floyd and Steve McNair, for that matter....

Wakey....

Wakey...

Thank God I'm on vacation. This insomnia shit is too much.

Also? I'm little tired of hayfever season already. I've got a flathead screwdriver sitting on the coffee table, just in case I really should decide to pry my sinuses out of my head.....

Foods.....

Foods...

Found this meme over at Elisson's....

It's a bit snotty for my tastes, but I've got a couple things to say...

Put the ones you've eaten in bold...

100. Venison

Depends on you you're preparing it. Little garlic, little butter and it's tasty.

99. Nettle tea

Nope.

98. Huevos rancheros

Hells yes.

97. Steak tartare

Nope.

96. Crocodile

Alligator, but not Crocodile.

95. Black pudding

Nope. Not gonna, either.

94. Cheese fondue

Yep.

93. Carp

Don't eat much fish, but I have taken in carp.

92. Borscht

Interesting.

91. Baba ghanoush

Tried it only because of a skit on MTV's The State.....not my cup of tea....

90. Calamari

Nope. Not gonna, either.

89. Pho

Nope, never heard of it.

88. PB&J sandwich

The best? Nice creamy pb with cantaloupe jelly made by the mennonites not too far from here....

87. Aloo gobi

Nope.

86. Hot dog from a street cart

Not a bad dog, either.

85. Époisses

Nope.

84. Black truffle

Nope.

83. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes

Blackberry, which was good. Raspberry, which was vile. And Muscadine (close cousin to the grape, but not technically one itself)...the worst I've ever been messed up was on a bottle of muscadine wine....

82. Steamed pork buns

Nope

81. Pistachio ice cream

Yep. It's been decades, though.

80. Heirloom tomatoes

Yep.

79. Fresh wild berries

Worst case of diarrhea I ever had came after eating roughly 92 pounds of blackberries straight off the vine.

78. Foie gras

Got asked what this one was, not long back. If I had been on Jeopardy, I'd a lost this one.

77. Rice and beans

Yep. It was actually once a staple of the BSTommy diet.

76. Brawn, or head cheese

Nope. Not gonna, either.

75. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper

Ye. Gods. Very nearly gave me whiplash.

74. Dulce de leche

Yep.

73. Oysters

Yep. Won't ever again. I'd get much the same from sucking the snot out of my sinuses and letting it run down my throat.

72. Baklava

No, but would desperately like to.

71. Bagna cauda

Nope. You're making shit up.

70. Wasabi peas

These are what God eats up in heaven. I found these on a trip to Georgia a couple years back...a Harvey's had them on an endcap with potato chips. Bought a can. Before I left the Andersonville area, I went back and bought two more. Perhaps the most underrated snack ever.

69. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl

Yes. Judd Apatow, Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen probably have something to say about all that, too.

68. Salted lassi
Nope

67. Sauerkraut

Had some last time I went out to Blackstone...

66. Root beer float

Yes, though it's been decades....

65. Cognac with a fat cigar

Not yet.

64. Clotted cream tea

Nope.

63. Vodka jelly/Jell-O shot

Yeah, and even though I was 22, I felt that I should have known better at the time.

62. Gumbo

Yep.

61. Oxtail

Yep.

60. Curried goat

Yes. Curry gives me nightmares. Did you know that? Too much curry gives me nightmares.

59. Whole insects

I had to mark this one, because I was feeling dangerously uncultured. This one was not intentional, however.

58. Phaal

Again, you're making shit up.

57. Goat’s milk

Yep. If I have an upset stomach, Goat's milk is the very best cure.

56. Single malt whisky

Oh yeah.

55. Fugu

Nope. Not gonna, either.

54. Chicken tikka masala

A personal favorite.

53. Eel

Nope. NOt gonna, either.

52. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut

They would revoke my Southern-by-the-Grace-of-God card if I said no.

51. Sea urchin

I'm lying.

50. Prickly pear

YEs, actually.

49. Umeboshi

Nope.

48. Abalone

Nope.

47. Paneer

Yep. Another fine thing.

46. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal

The Big Mac is little more than triumph of a the marketing machine. It makes me angry. Every three or four years, I'll eat one, and remember this.

45. Spaetzle

Nope.

44. Dirty gin martini

Nope.

43. Beer above 8% ABV

Just recently found a an IPA put out by Rogue Breweries, with a weighty 9.5% Helluva beer. Rogue very rarely does something badly. At the end of the day, though, it's just not worth what I paid for it.

42. Poutine

Yep. Kinda dig it. Good thing it's not readily available down here, otherwise I'd be Even Bigger Stupid Tommy.

41. Carob chips

Yep. Remember what I said about curry? Well, too much chocolate gives me nightmares, too. I avoid it, generally. Carob doesn't have the same effect. I don't rush out to get carob, though. I just do without.

40. S’mores

Yeah, but the aforementioned chocolate thing, and the fact that I loathe marshmallows pretty much rules this one out ever again.

39. Sweetbreads

38. Kaolin

Nope.

37. Currywurst

No, but given the description, it appears that the Germans are attempting to trick me into eating mass amounts of curry via my love of sausage products.

36. Durian

Nope.

35. Frogs’ legs

Yep. Too much work for too little reward. Just get yerself a bucket of legs at KFC and be done with it....

34. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake

All except for churros. Isn't Jerry Seinfeld eating one in that dipshitty commercial with Bill gates?

33. Haggis

Yeah. The first go round did not go well, but I would like a second chance to attack this bugger. If only to prove to myself that I could do it.

32. Fried plantain

Yep. Tasty, too.

31. Chitterlings, or andouillette

Nope. Not gonna, either.

30. Gazpacho

Never had the pleasure, though I will soon.

29. Caviar and blini

Nope. Someday.

28. Louche absinthe

Nope. Someday.

27. Gjetost, or brunost

You're making words up.

26. Roadkill

Let me just say that we ate barbecued goat, and the goat we ate, the owners had slaughtered after killing it when it ran in front of their truck.

25. Baijiu

Nope.

24. Hostess Fruit Pie

No self-respecting comic geek of appropriate age can live life without eating one. I think I've probably eaten a couple of these in the past year.

23. Snails

Nope.

22. Lapsang souchong

Nope.

21. Bellini

Nope.

20. Tom yum

Nope.

19. Eggs Benedict

Yep.

18. Pocky

No, but oddly enough, I knew exactly what it was. There was a brief fascination with Japanese candies and sweets, right around the time Manga REALLY exploded. I remember looking at these at a rack in the Hastings out in Murfreesboro.

17. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant

Nope.

16. Kobe beef

Nope.

15. Hare

Nope.

14. Goulash

We actually learned to make a version of this over a campfire, in scouts.

13. Flowers

Also scouts.

12. Horse
Not officially. I have suspicions, however.

11. Criollo

Nope. I'm feeling really ignorant here.

10. Spam

Yep. And if I have my way, it won't happen ever again.

9. Soft shell crab

Yep.

8. Rose harissa

Nope.

7. Catfish

Yep. Again, I do not think I would be allowed to live here if I had not.

6. Mole poblano

Nope.

5. Bagel and lox

Nope.

4. Lobster Thermidor

Nope.

3. Polenta

Nope.

2. Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee

Nope.

1. Snake

Tastes like chicken. Like chewing on a superball.

Tuesday Morning Re-Run

Tuesday Mornign Re-Run

I go back and forth on the issues of re-running posts. But, at the end of the day, I've got nearly six years worth of junk to keep throwing up here for my fours and fours of readers to look and marvel at.....

Originally run around this time last year:

Bad Things to Find in a Pinata

A topic of much discussion at work. This is a pretty self-explanatory list. Instead of candy, or toys, upon breaking, you find it filled with:

* celery
* raisins
* carrots
* apples
* applesauce
* oranges
* orange juice
* bees
* flies
* pincer beetles
* mice
* rats
* possums
* worms
* thousands of writhing snakes
* one very big pissed-off snake
* a bear (in this scenario, the pinata is in the form of a bear...and upon breaking the paper mache, we find that hiding within the pinata form of a bear is an actual bear, pissed off over the fact that you've been hitting him with a stick).
* a tiger (same scenario)
* a cheetah (same scenario, except that he'll run you down even if you're Thomas Magnum jumping in Robin Masters' Lamborghini)
* hundreds of inch-high, screaming Irishmen.
* A ghost
* Many Ghosts
* The Holy Ghost (a'la Raiders of the Lost Ark)
* Pennies (there was discussion about this one. My reasoning: ever filled a sock with pennies? or had a jar of them? remember how heavy? well, imagine a pinata that had managed to bely the weight and mass of the coin money within. then imagine hitting that sumbitch with a stick)
* Jello
* Syrup
* Soup
* Dishwater
* Very Dirty Dishwater
* Raw Hamburger Meat
* Pork Chops (a pinata in the hot sun, filled with pork chops? Welcome to Trichinosis. Population: You)
* Beef eyes
* Indeed, any manner of eyes.
* Beef Tongue.
* Indeed, any manner of tongue.
* Pork Knowledge (although, Pork Knowledge Pinata is a very cool name for a band, or a race horse)
* Shards of broken glass
* The dry'em stuff they put on vomit when you were in grade school. Stuff stand worse than the puke.
* Vomit
* A guy with a bat who starts hitting you
* Another universe (one that sucks you in to it)
* Another universe (one that expands outward, at the speed of light, i.e. another Big Bang)
* Hair
* Toenail Clippings
* Scabs
* Nose Droppings
* Toaster Crumbs
* Your Parents
* My Parents
* Scorpions
* Fish
* Crabs
* A thousand screaming monkeys
* Dick Cheney
* Al Gore
* Hillary Clinton
* Cuba Gooding, Jr.
* Teeth
* Your Teeth
* Nothing But Anger
* Proof that we might be alone in the universe, after all
* Steak
* A self inflating inflatable raft (i don't know why, but it was universally agreed that an inflatable raft would not be good in a pinata. At most and at best it would be confusing)
* Jerky from an animal not quite identified
* Nuts and Bolts
* Washers (maybe not as tightly packed as the pennies. This would be bad because you would get excited at all the silver money falling down. Then you would see that it's just metal slugs with holes in them)
* Mosquitos
* Mosquito Spray
* Spiders
* One Very Large Spider
* Clowns
* Mimes
* Jehovah's Witnesses
* Used Cooking Oil
* Baked Beans
* Pinto Beans
* Rocky Mountain Oysters
* Another Pinata
* Ping Pong Balls Cut in Half
* Eggs
* Eggs other than the ones you just thought of
* Bacon (see pork chops)
* Nacho Cheese
* Underwear
* Dirty Underwear

The war is not over....

This Things I Believe...

This Things I Believe....

You know, I don't believe in a lot of things in life. I believe there is a higher power. I believe that ultimately, you reap what you sow in life. I believe that the designated hitter is designed so that stupid people can enjoy baseball, too.

But perhaps as much as any of these, I believe this:

In professional wrestling....the reigning Champion (at any level...tag, U.S., Cruiserweight, what have you) should NEVER enter the ring first.

It's just bad form.

Horrible form.

Catastrophic form.

You remember Hurricane Katrina? Like that, only inside the squared circle....

Grasshopper....

Grasshopper



These buggers were everywhere during the Braves game the other night. One of them drank my beer.

Bullet Points....

Bullet Points....

• This shit where the Cubs keep losing? Fellas....get that mess out of your system now, please. Let's learn to be patient at the plate again, get a lead and most importantly, take the MaxiPads away from Kerry Wood, and keep the lead.
• I'll take a Titans win within the division any day of the week. I think I might be wearing a little thin on the whole Vince Young thing. And I question, on a daily basis still, the decision to give Steve McNair the shaft way back when. Not saying the guy would still be playing in front of Vince, but I think he'd have been the ideal person to have there along side.
• WWE's Unforgiven PPV was mostly a disappointment, with the exception of the decision to put the Raw title on Chris Jericho.....Jericho 's maybe the best heel of his generation.
• However...the Jericho/Michaels match was one of the most underwhelming outings for either man in a long time.
• Vacations are cool. Because I can talk about baseball and football and wrestling.

Boyz....

Boyz....

I'm supposed to be reading right now. But, I wanted to remark on how funny it is how synchronicity works. Wondering today just who did this a few years back....and I find it without even looking for it....



Good thing we have an interweb. 12 years ago, I might have gone insane not knowing.

Not that knowing will stop it. I've eaten a lot of red meat, and I use aluminum based deodorant. Plus, to paraphrase from a favorite play and flick...insanity doesn't run in my family so much as gallop....

later edit....I'm intrigued by my own statement that 12 years ago, I might have gone insane not knowing. I just did the math, and yes, in 1996 I did indeed have the internet access. Let me say...16 years ago, since that pretty safely predates my internet access by a couple of years....consider this another example of time flying past Tommy like a fiery freight train

Ask a silly question...

Ask a silly question...

I pondered aloud (or at least as out loud as the words in my blog are--it's not like I wander around stalking about stegosaurs to my laundry hamper or my bookcase)...whether the news coverage of Hurricane Gustav coming ashore in Louisiana would have a negative effect or not on the amount of donations pledged in Jerry Lewis's annual Labor Day telethon.

Turns out that if it did, it didn't matter, since they raised more money for Jerry's Kids than ever.

Me? I didn't pledge. There are other charities for me.

And I got tired of the Gustav coverage when I saw Geraldo go INSANE over the guy in the water.

Pop Tarts in a Hurricane

Pop Tarts in a Hurricane

Saw this little piece this morning, where some stores are reporting an upswing in sales of Pop Tarts when people begin stocking up for a hurricane.

Interesting, but it makes sense. It's a comfort food, and it can be eaten without preparation.

The only thing in my professional life I can compare it to is a snow scare, I guess. I would imagine a hurricane scare is quite a bit worse. A snow scare is enough though. Milk, bread, beer. All get a run.

But so do Little Debbie snack cakes. My old vendor rep told me his sales go up by half when there's a snow scare, and even more if snow actually lays on the ground.

I guess that I should comment that in this neck of the woods, a snow scare constitutes one of the weather men whispering it might get cold enough to snow. After that, all hell breaks loose, but only once in the past eight years can I remember more than a couple of inches laying on the ground. We average 2 snow scares a winter, or so.

They'd be worth it if we actually got the snow.

At least you know for sure a hurricane is out there....

Monday Morning....

Monday Morning...

As I sit here, watching CNN's Rob Marciano about to get blown off a roof in the French Quarter, I gotta wonder: how much will Hurricane Gustav affect the amount of donation to Jerry Lewis's telethon?

Just counted up, on my fingers even, that September 2008 is the 71st month of this blogamathing.

Heading out this afternoon. Going to catch the last Chattanooga Lookout game of the season. I bitch and moan about my job a lot, but the truth is, I've been able to catch more minor league games this year than in most. I don't think the number's up to a dozen, but it's within sunflower seed spitting distance.

Funny bit...hit a day game not long ago. Middle of the week. Had to be in Chattanooga for school stuff anyway.

Regulars at Bellsouth Park know Wanda the Program Lady. Even if you don't know her, you've heard her. She's got a distinctive selling style that won't be adequately described here: suffice it to say, she's got a call that you can hear from any point in the stadium, and you'll know that the programs are just 25 cents....it's a distinctive sound that puts a nice signature on the stadium.

Well, I went during the day. I paid for my ticket. I went through the turnstyles. For whatever reason, I was looking in another direction, but heard Wanda's call.

I always buy a program. Don't know why. It changes maybe three times a year. Maybe I'm looking to win a meal from Hardee's. Don't know. But, without looking up, I started walking to her booth. I heard her call, and started digging for a quarter.

I look up, and it's a little old man sitting at the booth. Then I look.

The folks at Bellsouth Park had installed a little flat screen TV, and they've recorded Wanda doing her call for programs....and were playing it on a loop.

I asked the man at the booth if he was getting hazard pay. He informed me that after a while, he just turns off his hearing aid.

Anyway. Maybe I'll get pictures. Maybe I'm a lying sack of deuce....who knows?