Pictures on Money
All this talk about Ronald Reagan and the people wanting to put his face on money got me to thinking about If I Ruled the World.
Now, don't get me wrong. I think about Ruling the World quite a bit. I tend to think that if I'd spent even half the time that I'd spent daydreaming about what I'd do if I ruled the world on actually working on and implementing plans to actually take hold of the reins of society, I'd probably have long since come into my rule by now.
But this time, I got to thinking about who I'd put on the money.
On the penny, I'd leave President Lincoln. Except I'd change the picture. Instead of Lincoln in profile, I'd put that drawing of the tall, younger Lincoln holding the axe and splitting the rail that we've all seen.
Also, I'd start making the pennies out of posterboard. Because it's cheaper than metal, and it's easier to draw that picture on posterboard than metal.
And every penny would be made by hand. By prisoners. On the backside of the penny, they could write anything they wanted (no showtunes).
On the front of the nickel, I'd have a picture of former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden. Because I'd like to cut off at the knees all those people who say silly stuff like "Don't take any Wooden Nickels."
On the back, I'd put the Batman symbol. Because I'd like to put that on money.
On the front of the dime, I'd keep Franklin D. Roosevelt.
On the back of the dime, I'd write a whole bunch of curse words. In tiny letters, but in perfect script. You'd need a magnifying glass to see them.
I'd also make the dime even smaller. About the size of a watch battery.
Alf (Gordon Shumway) would find his face on the front of the quarter. We might write something about Melmach or "We Eatum Felis" or something along those lines. Or maybe we could find some technology that would make Alf's "Ha!" laugh any time two of the coins clicked together. I'll get my people to work on that.
On the back of the quarter, I'd have the old silver, shiny WWF logo.
Fifty Cent Piece
All the fifty cent pieces would be made out of tarnished gold, and would be worth roughly 19 dollars apiece. I'd probably just use some pirate gold that I have laying around.
I'd take dollar bills out of circulation. What a waste of cotton fiber paper.
I would make the dollar a coin. It would be right around the size of a 6 oz. can of tuna. On the front of the dollar coin, Emmanuel Lewis, as Webster, would be smiling angellically from the from the front of the coin. We'd have something like "Hi George" and "Hi Ma'am" on the front.
On the back of the coin, we have rotating highlights from every World Series ever played.
And since the edge is about an inch wide, I'd write the lyrics to the Gilligan's Island theme song.
Also, the outside of the coin would be foil. You could take the foil off the coin, and find that the inside of the coin is made of chocolate. Or mud. See, that's the game. It's like the lottery.
Two Dollar Bill
There was a flaw to my taking the one dollar bill out of circulation. Nothing to tip strippers with. Think of how embarrassing it would be for the strippers to go to the store with 500 tuna-can sized coins. They'd get all muscled up.
Cooter, from the Dukes of Hazzard, would be on the front of the bill. It would NOT read Ben Jones. The inscription below his name would be "Cooter" and he'd be completely in Dukes of Hazzard character.
And we'd call 2-dollar bills "Cooters."
The back of the 2 dollar bill would carry a Far Side cartoon.
5 dollar bill
I'd put Grover Cleveland on the front of the 5 dollar bill. The front of the bill would celebrate his stint as 22nd president.
I'd put Grover Cleveland on the back of the 5, too. On that side, I'd put all the facts about his stint as 24th president.
10 dollar bill
On the front of the bill, I'd put that weird picture of the 19 (or however) year old Stephen King that's been showing up along a current picture of him on the dust jackets of his books lately. The one where he's wearing the horn rimmed glasses, and he's hunched over, kind of like Zorak, like he's getting ready to devour some kill he's just made.
On the back of the bill, I'd put a map to the nearest Sonic drive-in restaurant. (Or, Pizza Hut, for those states without Sonic).
13.43 dollar bill
I'd make a thirteen dollar, forty-three cent bill. Because these idiot kids running cash registers at the fast food restaurants need a kick in the ass when it comes to thinking. It's easy to take 9.78 out of a $20 bill. But try making change out of a $13.43.
On the front of the bill, I'd put comedian Lewis Black. And he'd be pointing angrily.
On the back of the bill, I'd leave inspiring messages like "Stay in school, retard."
20 dollar bill
I would put Keira Knightley on the $20 bill. And it would be a color photograph. And it would be awesome.
On the back, I'd golfer John Daly. Just for balance.
30 dollar bill
I think we need a $30 bill. Because. Just because.
On the front, I'd put Chewbacca. With the nameplate. Chewbacca.
On the back, I'd put a picture of Mt. Rushmore. And in really tiny print, you'd see Superman fighting Dolph Lundgren, in the sky above the monument.
50 dollar bill
Who's on the 50 dollar bill now? Is it Grant?
Well, I'd make two sets of 50 dollar bills.
One, looking exactly like it does now. With Ulysses S. Grant on the front of the bill, and the U.S. Capitol on the back (I think the capitol is on the back...I see $50's in my hand about as often as you saw black people on the Andy Griffith Show).
On the second set, which would be printed in equal numbers, I'd have Robert E. Lee.
And you wouldn't be able to use the Grant fifties in the south, nor would you be able to use the Lee fifties in the north.
Just to stir the pot a little.
You states without allegiance in the War of the Northern Agression be damned. Whenever you need a fifty, just use 2 30's. The math is almost right.
100 dollar bill
This one's simple.
I'd put Oprah Winfrey on the $100 bill. And I'd print new ones every three months or so. That way, collectors could refer to the June 2005 printing as the thin Oprah, and the March 2006 printing as the fat Oprah.
On the back, I'd have a still frame of the fight scene between David Kieth and Roddy Piper from They Live!
500 dollar bill
I would put my own picture on the 500 dollar bill.
On the back, I'd put the lyrics to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It!" along with Dee Snider on the edge of the bill making a scary face.
Just for shits and giggles.
(Guess who's procrastinating today.)